unofficial girl .

always .

mmh.

is it possible to have multiple shadows of the same thing?


"Everything seems so golden one minute, then turns to ashes the next..."

"The odd things is I feel, for the first time, really, I understand what it is to be happy. It's just I know that I won't be."

Isn't it odd when you find yourself realizing that you no longer look for him everywhere you go?
Like somewhere along the way, you liberated yourself from the breath-holding at every car, at every incoming call, at every received message. And it's a wonderful feeling to have risen above it, yet I cringe looking back, c'est la vie. mmh.

What about my feelings?
don't they take my feelings into account?
ever?
it hurts to be around them.

i feel like i've expanded and I'm meant for greatness and whatnot and I'm so excited for my future, I just have to get through this. and like the smoke that escaped my cigarettes, i can't be returned.

pound cake .

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm just amazing at fucking everything up .

It is as if I have a knack or a special ability to just ruin things.

Every, single, thing.

25 December 2013 - 19 February 2015

:( and that's it? i've nothing to show for it?

hideaway .

I've been avoiding..
I'm aware.


Fuck this.
I'm not ready.

Just can't get anything right, right.

back to reality, baby .

can I say something without any judgments, even from my future-self?

I think I fell in love.
I'm a Leo, love.
We fall in love on a daily basis.
Doesn't make it any less real, or any less meaningful, or any less painful.

I see the good in you.
Well, I saw.
Nahh, I still believe you are good, you just weren't good to me.

Why?

When it's good, I'm waiting around for it to go bad, because it usually does.
When it's bad, I still find myself waiting; waiting for it to turn good.

Maybe my 2015 resolution should simply be to stop waiting, stop putting myself in a limbo and just embrace it all.
Where does hope come in?
Does being hopeful equate to not immersing yourself entirely in the present?

excuse me while i light one .

She was smoking there,
looking out towards the horizon,
facing the gushy winds on her own.

He lumbered towards her.
"Champion, have you thought about what you want?"

She looked at him,
and he espied the mischievous glint that rushed through her pupils,
and said, "Blow my mind."

The thought of what could happen next must have set the body language on pilot mode because her face muscles worked. They smirked, the crumpled the right amount, they invited him.

"You..", he gloated as he leaned in and kissed her.

And that is how my year should started off, but didn't.

She finished it on her own and she went back to the unit only to find her friends there eagerly awaiting her to soak the sun.
The warmth that was radiated from the giant fireball illuminated even her darkest corners.
She asked to be left alone, she needed more power to sustain her for the year.
Enjoying the speed at which the wind was blowing against her skin and through her hair..

"Uhh", she gasped.
"What are you doing here?"


"How could I allow you to celebrate alone?"

Nope, that didn't happen too.

stay .

to allow oneself to hope is the most devastating feeling ever.
and also beautiful, of course, if it works out in your favor.
last day of 2014.

been a great year, i suppose. :)
could have been worse, could have been better.
happy new year, you.