if i were invisible for one day...

i read that question somehwhere on facebook.

and i was wondering whether if i had to answer that.

honestly,

i would say i would jump off a building or something so people wouldn't notice me till i'm dead.

seriously.

robbing a bank sounds cool but all the money in the world would only attract more negative shit which would get me depressed. maybe i'd rob a bank and stash it for my family before i die.

such a long day.

i met this guy i like but he has a girl. how sad.

and.

i know where ashraf is coming from now.

he doesn't want to text me because he doesn't like me.

so the texts he gets from me are probably extremely annoying.

and he would like roll his eyes and just ignore it.

so yeah.

i never knew what that felt like before.

i guess i'm still mad because well one of life's greatest riddles, where did all the feelings go?

aih . i'm so so so tired.

i just feel so miserable.

everything's depressing.

nobody's available for ranjie darling.

is this how shit is supposed to be? x

i hate you so much.

this explains perfectly.

"...because we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy there are cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want another city, I like this city....And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad and you don't just give up!...And I'll try to relax, let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits, and I know I'm no day at the beach...And ultimately, isn't that what it comes down too? What a person is made of?...i love you "

and i know i'm young.

and i know you're young.

but ah fuck it it's all in my head.

i hate you for making me go and start over.

which is something i don't want to do.

it's hard.

i just wanna dip my heart in concrete.

and say fuck it.

why do people do serious drugs?

it annoys me to hook up with someone like that.

everything has to be in moderation.

some sort of balance.

blah fuck it who cares.

i'm so tired.

and i can't even find the words to describe my feelings.

which is exactly what this blog is created for.

all i want for st.valentines day is ?

xxx

arghhhhh

Imran

Hey

4:37pmRanjie

uhm. hey .

4:37pmImran

is it that wierd to talk to me?

4:38pmRanjie

haha sort of.

you been missing for a long time

4:38pmImran

its okay le

4:38pmRanjie

it's just unexpected that's all =]

how are you

4:38pmImran

Im fine thanks

and yourself?

4:39pmRanjie

i'm fine

4:39pmImran

You sure?

4:39pmRanjie

what do you expect me to say then o.

4:40pmImran

Im just making sure..

4:40pmRanjie

that's sweet of you

but yeah i'm okay =]

how's things for you? your gf's very pretty

4:41pmImran

aw

thanks

ill make sure ill tell her that

4:41pmRanjie

haha no problem .

how's your mom ?

4:42pmImran

Shes fine.

with the help of me and jabs

4:42pmRanjie

well that's what families are for =]

4:43pmImran

lol

thats true.

Can i ask you something?

4:43pmRanjie

sure

4:44pmImran

can you answer honestly?

o.o

4:44pmRanjie

haha

i guess i could

shoot

you're killing me with suspense

4:45pmImran

Do you miss him?

4:45pmRanjie

jabs?

4:45pmImran

yes.

4:46pmRanjie

well. yes i do.

4:46pmImran

How much?

4:46pmRanjie

you can't really get over your first love you know. it's tough. and well pointless right?

4:47pmImran

He was your first love?

4:47pmRanjie

yeah. . .

4:47pmImran

Well..

its forgive and forget.

4:48pmRanjie

and then what?

haha

4:49pmImran

Move on..

4:49pmRanjie

easier said than done.

i am trying.

=]

4:49pmImran

Right..

4:50pmRanjie

wow. ouch what is that supposed to mean =.=

and he went offline! i'm back to square one now. memories suck. i just wanna die really. shit's just too hard to handle. everything is too hard to handle. people just make you wanna scream and pull your hair off your head and jump down a fucking building. =/ x

faithlessness

i had a really long day. =/

and i cried. i screamed and i cried in the car. if anyone saw me they must think i'm really out of my mind. well i'm getting there.

i was reading this book. and there was this line.

bla bla bla but the gist of it is like " .. the faithlessness to their memories ... "

and i was like BINGO! TOUCHDOWN!

perhaps that is what i'm really pissed and mad at about a lot of times.

i don't get people and their faithlessness of our memories together.

like how can you do that don't you think and feel guilty?

or am i just the only freak around.

because everyone looks so genuinely happy.

where do i fit in?

nowhere really.

i try hard.

but it's just. hard. to let go.

like i think i'd be fine. and then when i get reminded of something my mood changes all of a sudden. and don't anyone else get that? then what are in their heads all the time? memories are all you have. they make you who you are. such a vital and confusing role memories hold.

i watched this movie and there was a dialogue like " if you don't like who you are, change! "

and i do try. i just keep getting sucked back in. maybe it's innate? or maybe i'm not trying hard enough. shit is confusing =/ x

i need to get laid. period!

"There is something that I gotta say. It's disgusting, how I love you. God, I hate me. I could kill you. Cause your messing up my name. Gotta walk my talk my fame, but I just want to touch your face."

copied that off aloshana's page. her status. so yeah.

talking to liyana reminded me of jabs even more sighs he was one amazing bf.

i'm conflicted.

when i say i miss him . i mean i miss jabs. and ashraf?

haha.

ohh whatever i lost both.

another lonely valentines day. sighs.

ashraf never called.

i need to drop physics.

it's too taxing.

i figured i would survive but i want to excel at maths.

and i can't do that with physics.

wish me luck.

i need to talk to my mom.

though i'm sorta researching now whether can i do actuarial science with 3 subjects and exclusive of physics .

this color is so yucky.

it hurts my eyes.

so, how am i feeling?

i used bonbon's brass knuckles to sorta punch myself.

ouch it did hurt.

kept doing it for like 30 mins.

i haven't cut in quite sometime.

i haven't had sex in quite sometime and the last time i did it was so awful.

i need to get laid =/ haha xx

a zippo

so i got my first zippo from kaylee =] and i wish i could get it engraved. it means that much. thank you very much.

i gots red hair ;]

i haven't spoken to ashraf in a couple of days and i feel good about that like i'm quitting successfully.

but he's such a dummy he's like you danced with my friends.
i'm like WHAT THE EFF they're my friends too and you ask me to go out with them more and i did. god hypocrites are such a pain in the arse.

but i won't deny the fact that i do have urges to pick up the phone and dial his number but i wouldn't. not this time.

uhm.
first day of the second semester.
started off badly.
i liked mr.david.
till earlier.
well it is unfair of me to dislike him for one tantrum he threw at us but i guess i really looked up to him.

i miss my radha days.
i asked myself this question when was the one day where i truly felt completely happy and the first thing that came to my mind when i finished his questions. and when he praised me. his recognition mean the world to me .

i've been having so many random weird dreams.
i still love sleeping.
i guess i just want to stop dreaming.
none of them come true anyway.
i wish i'm not such a daydreamer.
such a waste of time.
ugh.
i disgust me x

"Live so that you can look any man in the eye and tell him to go to hell."


-John D. Rockefeller

definitely ignited x