20-year old stranger .

happy birthday to me .
1.44am .

where do i even begin to tell you what's wrong .
i find myself trapped within myself ; then entrapped within this world .


you looked back, can't i hold you accountable for that? Or is that something that works only on the silver screen..?

she noticed a scar. i switched the topic.

its pouring now..2am..
its pouring outside, and inside.
these hot tears that trickles down my cheeks brings me back to reality.

and the reality is,
i'm dying =/

i hate everything.
nothing is going my way.
i'm bending my back for shit.
i need things to stop being blown up in my face.
i don't want to put up with things anymore.
things that make me unhappy.
things that i need to conform my ways just to get by.

its like no one cares.
nobody gets it.
and this silence i confine myself to is riving me.

nada.
she's accomplished nada.

she's a tittle.
waiting to make her mark,
tired of being omitted of her own ambitions.

happy 20th birthday ranji.
may you enjoy this day celebrating the nothingness you've turned out to be. xx

i know i'm not forgiven .

Black & White .

Left & Right .

Right & Wrong .

there are always two sides.

which side will prevail this time? 

it's been long.

i do not want to give in.

for i know i'd always end up regretting.

but then there's the other side.

Rational & Irrational . 

xx

i get lonely too.

don't speak.

hold me, soak up my tears with your shirt. 

and let's never bring it up again. xx

mirror, mirror .

do i see a woman ,
or do i see a child ?

i see a woman with the insides of a child .
or maybe i see a child yearning for the insides of a strong woman .

with every doing,
i disappoint myself.
how does one live with that?

in the moment you just do things and say things, a rush that takes control.
and when that gets diluted i'm left with me, disappointed .

everything seems to be in the past .
i'm fighting to move on .
i'm in the ring with myself .
and she's my worst enemy .

xx

i need a dollar .

this is all way too familiar.
i'm still desolate.
yeah i'm busy yeah i've things to do yeah i've people around yeah i'm SUPPOSED to feel great.
i don't.
i seriously don't
nagging,
i still hear that nagging voice.

WHY?
i don't get myself.
what else do i seek?

i will sail back to you...

is this jealousy?
is this being greedy?
ravenous perhaps?

something's still missing.
i don't think i have the energy to pick up another activity.
i wish to be understood, for i can't understand. =/ xx

hitting turbulence .

watched all these movies. read all these books. heard these stories.

i simply stand out.
coward,
you branded me.
a coward is definitely what i am.

deceit,
she's basked in deceit.

i know what's wrong.
i'm all wrong.
how do you fix yourself?
i tried.
is consistency the key?
its rather hard when you find yourself slipping down the same hole.

agony,
agony is all she feel.

xx

beautiful lasers .

entangled in a mess known as myself .
these desires are false , indefinitely .
how on earth did i end up here again ?
choices . bad choices that i've made from day one .

i can't remember what's it like being in a relationship anymore ?
distant , far far distant memory .

need to escape .
escape from this cage .
this cage known as my head ,
this cage known as my body . xx