who's gonna hold you down ?

sayang baby darling my honey bunny.

it has been years.
a lot has taken place-
to us, between us.

one thing i can tell for sure though.
nothing is how it was.
and i fought, still i fought.
there are days where i think about how happy i was before the world took its toll on me.
and the only time i can reflect back on to would be the times where i was yours.

whatever relationship or relationshit we had, its over, i know.
i wouldn't allow myself to give you any satisfaction.
conflicted,
heart, mind, body and soul.

i just sometimes wonder on how you're getting by.
i'd love to tell you how i'm getting on.
but in your eyes ; you'd see complacency and you'd be disgusted.
that's far, a universe away from the truth.
drowning in uncertainty.
and it is not like you care.
or even if you do, you wouldn't let your pride come crashing down.

so this is me,
screaming out.
i miss you.
i miss everything i was with you.

and let's just say ; if i were the kind to pray , you'd be in my prayers everyday.

you'd be a somebody.
know that your #1 fan has always been there, always will be.
just lurking in the shadows.
xx

all of the lights .

" when you come crawling back, you'll see that we can't change the past. "

it's just unnatural for me to not be wanting more?
if i could simply my wants ; i'd be happy.
my wants are shapeshifters!
there,
i labelled my wants but i still do not comprehend it.


they said i'm a man-like chick?
what they meant was independent.
my face -----> =.=

it's not that i want to be all tough and shit.
i have to be.
and what's wrong with it?
is it wrong to be able to care for myself?
is it wrong to expect MORE in a MAN?
if i can do certain things..if i can keep a job while getting my degree and still having a social life without the need to party and drink and toke..can't i expect the same or MORE from a person i'm to succumb my feelings to?
i dare say of course i can expect.
aren't men more capable of things?

maturity.
am i the only out there with the improper age?
20 is damn right about time to not be fooling around,son.

sure i'd like to be coddled.
to have all my wants be presented to me on a silver platter.
but the world doesn't work that way.
of having such expectations i got my heart broken by men i never dated.
of having such expectations i got my trust and soul destroyed by those who surrounds me.

i am taking charge now.
and i'll not allow me to kowtow to someone who is sure as hell ain't worth my time, tears, money and affection.

even then,
i'll know it'd all be an illusion, a mirage.
because nothing ever lasts.

so i guess its never okay to let these walls crumble down.
which is..sad really..

but i'll be fine..
what you get is what you have to get by.
xx

my distant...lover?

"But I'm tired and unwilling to be the only one who was wrong. 

she's like a star ; my left ass .

Arthur's Day concert .
I guess I've been breaking all my pledges.
Only consolation is that now I know better of what's expected of me so I know when to say yes and when to say no.

"Come over to the dark side ; we have cookies"

Lately it has just been like I do not want to be weighed down by my past. I've had days where I felt so good. I finally convinced myself (and I believe it too) that I'm perfectly fine. I'll be okay. Everything I've been looking for is just around the corner. You wait for the best things. Etc.

I wouldn't say its such bollocks as I its all I have right now.
No more self-righteousness.
No more discipline.
No more clinging on to what has been or could have been.

Yes.
I realized there was a part of me that's fully aware of how I do crave of wanting a person there for me.

She's like a star.

It's been years.

Do I crave it? 

On occasions? 

That would mean I'm consciously being a hypocrite. 

Decisions.

Goddamned decisions.

I miss that rush. The tears that pour onto the open wounds that burns it more, transcending me. 

Yeah perhaps I made a promise.

But when I've lost all respect ; wouldn't an empty promise be unworthy of keeping? 

Mutilate me.

I would.

Why wouldn't you? 

xx

in the dark .

you want them when they don't want you ; soon as they do feelings change .
-eminem

this holds true , i suppose .
i crave for liberation .
break me free from these chains .
obligations...social responsiblities.. i'm dimmed .

i be high, then i be low.
-kid cudi

oh yeah.
i'm fighting me on a daily basis.
i wanna speak my mind to their faces to get through their ignorant skin.
courtesy. she's too nice.
labelled , preferred to be regarded as such .
so here i am , whining to the elusive space that surrounds me . xx

sinking .

you didn't break me ; you made me .

maybe its the mood swings .
maybe it has just been such all this long .

deactivated facebook.
that has to be the first time ever.
i couldn't handle the responsibilities anymore.

its a constant battle with myself yeah.
everyone is fighting their own battle, yes.

i feel so out of touch with this world.
as if i've risen and i'm going places, yet i'm still HERE.
same shit, different day.
its a never ending circle you know?

her heart is so cold, yet heavy.
or perhaps she's pretending to be cold because her heart is already heavy.

clueless as to how to go on from here.
5.46 on a sunday morning.

when everything's meant to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am. 


but then who am i?

x

wegue .

I'm tough.

No matter what happens, I'll deal with it however I deal with it and I pick myself up.

Today I questioned everything I stand for, ME.

Mental exhaustion has came to a point where I do not know what's next anymore.

So yeah .

In this darkness,

on her knees she falls.

She's crawling, 

carrying the weight of guilt.

Depression induced by guilt.

For her faults, for his faults, for their faults.

Crying. 

That's all I'm capable off. 

Rotting.

That's all I seem to be doing.

x