taking a chance on love .

it is that time of the month again, yes?
that's the only explanation as to why my cheeks are drenched, no?

can't my insecurities be fixed, like replacing the soles of your good shoes?
it is just unbearably hard to get through the day with these screaming thoughts and my guilt is simply getting louder than ever, "You think you'll get what you want by offering what you have? You really do? Don't you know who you are?" xx

sweet nothing .

Watched this movie, "Seeking A Friend For The End of The World", brilliant film.

Quotes;

How could I be so stupid? ... How could I do this? I put my energy in the wrong places. I give my time to the wrong people. I mean, when I think of all the holidays I didn't spend with my mom and dad to be with some guy I used to know.


I think that's the reason I cannot settle for anything less than amazing.

I'm gonna do all the things I missed out on for so long.

I'm not gonna waste my time on the wrong person.
I'm not gonna waste my parents' time introducing them to some future stranger.
And no more days spent picking out what you're gonna wear for night that don't mean anything.
No more wondering whether you're with the right person, or if this is the guy that you're meant to have kids with. All those ridiculous questions. It's liberating, that's what is it.
Maybe you just haven't met the right guy.

I wish I'd met you a long time ago. When we were kids.
It couldn't have happened any other way. It had to happen now. 


Got me thinking.
What am I the result of?
I mean, who are the people that made me?
Will I ever get to know them, to actually know them?
I just have all these questions in my head..these memories too..
Overwhelmed.
I know not how to proceed.
I am her, I'm probably just inhibiting myself.

xx

losing it .

Last night, my grandpa told me he no longer feels fit to be a part of this world. That feeling must have been festering in him for quite sometime for me to hear him utter such things. My world caved in, my recently-thawed heart sank. He's only 72... xx

488 texts, a bunch of calls and a few meet ups later .

What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land.

 -Ernesto Che Guevara 

  

right from the start, it did not feel quite right..
my cells weren't feeling reciprocity.
maybe I liked the attention, maybe I liked him.
guess there are just some things we will never find out?
and that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I am fine, really.
That's what I think.
That's what I hope.
Life's brief candle, huh. 

xx

 

lagoon .

PMS.

You know the reason is just a concoction of imbalanced hormones in your brain. (I think)

That doesn't make the pain any less real.
That doesn't make the feelings any less intricate.

Words!
They build, they bury.

The impact of those words obviously not arranged together carefully may leave others wondering what their wake would be like.

These words hurt, felt like an icicle piercing through the remnants of this life form, though I know not of that icicle, and its capability to injure. It simply seemed like the appropriate word to use.

What is expected of me?
Aren't I a being with the right to dictate my actions?
Why are those whom you find yourself surrounded with by force, the ones designed to be your pillars, the ones to cause your world to crumble, or well, crack it just enough so the rest of the world can dump in?

I remember this, "You're not even all that beautiful. With that little beauty you have also you're behaving like this, imagine what will happen if you're actually beautiful."

"Who sent you to class?"
"She did."
"Oh. So that means she's sleeping now of course", he snickered.

What have you, a mere tittle of nothingness, accomplished in your miserable life, for you to be giving out crude remarks?

Yes, I wouldn't be who I am today without her, them.
How long though?
How long, or how much will it take for me to repay that debt?

xx

zimbabwe .

Which are you? A carrot, an egg or coffee bean?




A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as when one problem was solved, a new one arose.




Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.




She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”




“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.




Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”




Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.




The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.




However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. “Which are you?” she asked her daughter.




When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?




Think of this: Which am I?




Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?




Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?




Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.




If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?




How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?




This is somewhat amazing. xx

Why must I be thin ?

I've been rejected and I was dejected for a certain period of time till that grief turned into anger and I did what I do best, I wrote.

Why must I be thin?

To be accepted by society?

The fucked up one we're in where people turn their backs on each other, where children are raped, abandoned, sold and robbed of their childhood, the one that are in no way providing me any means to survive? People are killed, tortured, cheated and plundered every second in every single square feet of this world. For that society?

To be loved? 

To be able to 'score' a guy who judges you based on your exterior and nothing on the real substance you're made of: the pain and the scars that have been made, closed, reopened and worsened? That guy who'd dump me for the next hotter chick when my 'beauty' fades/adds and trust me, it will. For that sort of attraction?

To be happy? 

To not indulge in chocolates, cakes and any sort of ambrosial items we call FOOD and deprive my tongue and of course my heart of happiness? To purposely exhaust myself after a long and already exhausting day and well, life?

To be healthy? 

As in skinny people do not get any sort of diseases and they're somehow impervious to death? To prolong living in this vessel we call life or is it being alive? As if you've not been granted to do so all these while?

To be alive....but not basking yourself in the richness of life itself?

Excuse me for being indifferent then.


And no, I'm not pro-obesity. The extremes of both sides are of absolute annoyance but really it is your life, your body. If you do not like what you see then look another way. Is that so hard, really?

xx