i get lonely too.

don't speak.

hold me, soak up my tears with your shirt. 

and let's never bring it up again. xx

mirror, mirror .

do i see a woman ,
or do i see a child ?

i see a woman with the insides of a child .
or maybe i see a child yearning for the insides of a strong woman .

with every doing,
i disappoint myself.
how does one live with that?

in the moment you just do things and say things, a rush that takes control.
and when that gets diluted i'm left with me, disappointed .

everything seems to be in the past .
i'm fighting to move on .
i'm in the ring with myself .
and she's my worst enemy .

xx

i need a dollar .

this is all way too familiar.
i'm still desolate.
yeah i'm busy yeah i've things to do yeah i've people around yeah i'm SUPPOSED to feel great.
i don't.
i seriously don't
nagging,
i still hear that nagging voice.

WHY?
i don't get myself.
what else do i seek?

i will sail back to you...

is this jealousy?
is this being greedy?
ravenous perhaps?

something's still missing.
i don't think i have the energy to pick up another activity.
i wish to be understood, for i can't understand. =/ xx

hitting turbulence .

watched all these movies. read all these books. heard these stories.

i simply stand out.
coward,
you branded me.
a coward is definitely what i am.

deceit,
she's basked in deceit.

i know what's wrong.
i'm all wrong.
how do you fix yourself?
i tried.
is consistency the key?
its rather hard when you find yourself slipping down the same hole.

agony,
agony is all she feel.

xx

beautiful lasers .

entangled in a mess known as myself .
these desires are false , indefinitely .
how on earth did i end up here again ?
choices . bad choices that i've made from day one .

i can't remember what's it like being in a relationship anymore ?
distant , far far distant memory .

need to escape .
escape from this cage .
this cage known as my head ,
this cage known as my body . xx

say ♥

lately i've been reflecting a lot especially since the beginning of April . well my momma's birthday is on the 29th so yeah i bought her a card that really seemed sweet to me . But well the point of me writing this is not only because my blog has been neglected lately , but also because i suddenly had like an epiphany in the shower earlier , or well during my talk at uni earlier . at one point i felt accomplished , as if i did something and i got recognized for something . as much as i LOVE compliments and whatnot , the only thing that came to my mind was well thank my momma . since that thought entered my head really , i can't help wondering ever since the beginning of April i've been feeling so much more affection , for my mom ? and i know that's weird really either for two reasons because i'm supposed to always feel affection for my mom or because i'm not one to really share my tenets on my momma . but yeah lately i've had a lot more respect and love ? she's really something . after my entire day today , i received a series of compliments i think i spent my day well and all i wanted to do was to come home and tell my mom . i was disheartened when she was already in bed . yes , for me that is weird . i've had so much resentment and i held her accountable for many things . yes i love her but i loved her out of my obligation more than a free will really ? I KNOW THAT'S BAD . HORRIBLE as a child . this is my space to truly vent out my feelings so there i said it . lately all that took a turn i guess ? its as if i shifted to a new paradigm? i just want myself to be someone accomplished so she'd be happy because without her kids she's no one , really ? we define her . and i know i'm NOT AND NEVER WILL BE THE PERFECT DAUGHTER . a convict is still capable of humanity to some extent? i guess that applies ? just because i'm not perfect doesn't mean i can't try to make her happy? in my shower then i was just like my blog really used to be an outlet of my emotion . i'd love for anyone to stumble across it and gain insights and learn ME . but my mom makes me too . which is why i decided to dedicate a post saying that i do love her , infinitely .

this doesn't change the fact that there are days where i just get so ticked off and we argue . this doesn't change the fact that there are some days where she really gets to me and i end up going ballistic either in tears or rage . i just had to set the right picture here because since the day i started my blog , i've only addressed her , with accusing fingers . xx

dysmenorrhoea

ARGH ! every bloody month . EVERYYYYYYYY month . =S this pain is killing me >.<