it has come to this

"The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them"

so i type in vain,

for all my effort,

for all my tears,

for all my money

and

for all my time-

has led to a total zero.

i suck that badly.

i would never be good enough.

not a good enough daughter, girlfriend, best friend, granddaughter, student, and every other role i'm supposed to be playing.

i just never saw this coming.

i was actually contented at some point.

like i did everything i can think off and something would definitely result yeah? apparently not. is it that difficult to love me?

i'm so broken.

and nobody cares enough.

i just want to be rescued so badly because i know i don't have the strength to go on alone. shit's just too hard.

what did i ever do to not deserve even a slice of this thing called happiness? i am so tired. so tired of waking up everyday and going through the same bullshit.

i'm not someone special.

i'm someone whom you can just toss aside easily.

i've been degraded to that extent.

maybe i really should have just jumped off the penang bridge.

at least i wouldn't be hurting anymore.

i just want this pain to stop.

i wanna breathe again.

i wanna feel happy.

is it really too much to ask for?

perhaps i just don't deserve it. . x

real international day

the night before i went out with ashraf and renise.

and well i got pissed again.

his words. they just weren't right.

i felt hurt.

and so i came back.

and i lied on my bed for 2 hours before i downed half a bottle of cough syrup and went flat on the couch for an hour.

in that two hours i came up with a speech.

which i did deliver.

and shit didn't turn out okie at first.

but then to think about it now,

i'm not sure whether it would've made even a tiny bit difference.

i still feel like crying just thinking about what happened.

i went so freaking weak.

i let all my guard down.

and i just broke down.

in front of a person, what more a guy.

and thinking about the shit i said, the shit i did.

makes me want to cry even more.

so are things resolved?

no they aren't.

do i feel better?

perhaps a good night's sleep would help.

i don't know who i am.

i don't know what i want.

but i know i'm unhappy.

i'd strive,

strive for the things i used to have.

because i still remember the days where i used to go to sleep smiling.

and i missh that so much.

i just wish i can make myself happy.

because humans hurt humans.

I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

and i didn't want to write today.

but with my memory,

i just need to remember this.

the reason i came up with this blog is to vent out my feelings like i used to do it.

and now i've intertwined both.

which well i hope is a good thing but-

he doesn't want it.

so yeah. xx

my grandpa turns 70 today.

i love my grandpa.

without him i don't think any of us could have made it this far.

i truly do look up to him.

and if he leaves this world,

i wouldn't quite know what to do anymore.

i grew up with him.

he's always been around.

and i always want him to be around.

i need him around he's my pillar.

i can't help wonder what did i do so wrongly that i don't deserve feeling happy.

i really just cried and cried and i've just been crying everyday.

i just feel so depressed even i don't know why anymore.

i looked at myself in the mirror and i feel like killing myself more.

no wonder i'm so alone.

my looks scare people away i guess.

not pretty enough to have someone want to be around me.

not nice enough too.

i just want to talk to someone.

i just want to hang around someone.

doing things allow me to stop feeling so bloody lonely.

solitude.

fucking solitude.

i want to be able to meet someone at night and lie down on the floor or my car and smoke and talk and feel happy.

i miss doing so.

and i thought i had the chance.

i screw everything up.

i'm a screw up.

how am i to see myself 10 years from now when the mere idea of thinking of myself 10 days from now scares the living daylights out of me. =/

xxx

an escapade. .

one of the reasons why i sulk about not having a best friend or a boy friend is cause ;

i want an escape.

i want to have a place to run to.

just to keep myself sane.

because not everybody is obliged towards me.

but a boyfriend could be.

and he could be my bestfriend.

i just would want to call him and talk or just drive over and hang.

cause i hate being here so much.

nobody's there for me.

nobody wants to be there for me.

what do i do when i've nothing and no one?

i go to bed wishing i would never wake up again. x

say ahh =]

every night we talk ,

i get this delusion that you've changed.

that you're a nice person.

but the other 3/4 of the time i spend with you,

you're just an asshole to me.

so am i supposed to keep hanging on for that 1/4 of niceness?

and i told you.

and you got mad at me.

isn't that unreasonable.

you want me but you don't want me.

as much as i like getting laid,

i feel so cheap.

because i only am being acknowledged during those night hours.

so you say you like to keep your shit personal.

i'm not asking you to make a broadcast that you're doing me.

everybody gets to write shit on your facebook, except me-

people text you people call you,

but you get pissed when i do-

i've been hanging around telling myself i'll put up with anything just because i know how important it is for you to pass your exams but i'm just so exhausted of thinking of ways i can make shit easier for you.

and you're not being a teeny bit sensitive towards me.

i give and i give and i give

and i feel so naked.

like i've nothing left.

you're an amazing guy.

i just shouldn't have been stupid to fall for you.

or keep waiting around for you to miraculously sweep me off my feet.

i miss being someone's.

i miss my alien space monkey and star days.

i miss just lacing my fingers around yours just cause it felt perfect such.

unrequited feelings sucks most.

xx

who am i anymore?

This blood turned into tears
A broken heart runs my body
Dripping forth until I give my life
I have become a sacrifice
It hurts me just to think of you
I void the pain that is unbarring
(To know that I take these sufferings from you)

cute without the e

it's not that you hate me,

or want me to die.

but maybe i go home,

and think of suicide.

i'm in too much pain to survive on my own-

the hurt i can't handle overflows to a knife.

i write on my arm,

i want to give up on my life.

it's been what, a week?

a lot took place.

holidays.

sex.

alcohol.

family.

friends.

i did so much. over this one week cny holidays.

yet i find myself returning to this same dark hole.

this small sanctuary of mine.

where all i do weep. and cut. and scream.

i'm one confused bitch.

p/s : i'm up to 7 now.

xxxxx