angel .

" For a long time, it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacles in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, some time to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin . At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life . "

-Sam's letters to Jennifer ; James Patterson-

xx

love me , love me , love me .

i am desolate . 

i want to crawl out of my own disgusting body . 

taxing .

does it ever go away ? 


no..i don't think it does. not for me, it hasn't. it's going on 11 years. it changes though .


how?


i don't know . the weight of it, i guess . at some point, it becomes bearable . it turns into something that you can crawl out from under  and carry around like a brick in your pocket.  and you even forget it for awhile. but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is .
Oh. Right. That.
which could be awful. but not all the time . it's kinda.. not that you like it , exactly , but it's what you got instead of your son . so you carry it around . and it doesn't go away . which is .. 


which is what ?


fine , actually . 






things have been weird lately i guess . after a few months i finally heard his voice . i , broke down . and i met him . and he's well . i swear i've missed him . he really was something to me . it's incredibly sad between us .. nothing ever took place it's as if we could be something so great , but our love story never really took place ? which is rather sad . for i'd have given up everything i'd ever known , just to go back to that night where it felt as if the world is right again , for i was in his arms . i miss you and i just really miss you and i don't know how to not want you . i can feel you inside my bones . why don't you just , forget it .




tomorrow marks the 21st of April . every year i write a letter to him . this time around , i don't know what i should say to him anymore . it's not like he's ever going to read it or bother reading it but this time around i simply know that when it comes to me , he's completely detached . like as if we meant nothing at all . and i'm just trying to breathe really . as usual shit is overwhelming . there are days where i don't even want to get out of bed and face anything . but , i do . i have to . i can't afford to allow him render me helpless. for it's pointless , no ? no matter how much pain i am in , even if he sees it , he's not going to come back . or even mutter a simple hi . amazing how i'd have given you the last bit of air left in me if you ever asked .  but uhmm , yeah . i'd still write you . even if i don't know what else i can do except write . 

and that quote up there , really helps . 

xx