with eyes wide open..

The sky is always a thousand shades of blue.
Probably broken, lost and lonely-

2.57am on a wednesday night/thursday morning.

i'm tired.

i've had a good few days. but things at home haven't been so easy yeah?

i don't know. i'm just trying to live a day at a time. xx

who cares?

ashley parker angel-

Staring at the sky,
There's angels in the snow.
Wishing she could fly high,
Above the world below.

All that she wanted,
Is to be wanted.
She's sitting on the stairs,
With ribbons in her hair,
Waiting for someone who cares,
Who cares.

Pouring over magazines,
She soaks up every page.
Each picture like a daydream,
She never wants to fade.

All that she wanted,
Is to be wanted.
She's looking in the mirror,
Wondering what to wear,
Hoping she'll meet someone who cares,

At the window sill, she's looking out on,
Strawberry daffodils,
Butterflies and broken roller skates,
The colours bleed like finger paint.
Yesterday...

All that she wanted,
Is to be wanted.
She's rocking in a chair,
Silver in her hair, still waiting for someone...

All that she wanted,
Is to be wanted.
She's sitting on the stairs,
Ribbons in her hair,
Waiting for someone who cares,
Who cares.

xx

i fall, i get up, i fall, and i get up again right?

so i saw him today. .

and well yeah it just got me thinking about shit again. i've never been betrayed and rejected in such manner. it's hard. but i'm learning. i'm sure there's more to come. i'm just worried i won't be able to love as much again. to meet another girl as well. as if i'm not insecure enough i just need two more additional issues to be more insecure about yeah.

and mus said i shouldn't stoop to his level. that's something i should smile about yeah? =]

i fall.

i pick myself up.

i fall again. and i wonder whether should i get up.

but i do get up.

and i fell again.

i picked myself up again.

it's a never ending process is it?

my hearts going to yearn.

my head would reminisce.

with something as simple as a mere glance.

well,

i guess i would be fine.

i just have to surround myself with people whom truly love me.

people who would help build me up. not bring me down.

you were there once baby..

not a day goes by where i don't wonder what happened.

and i shall quote from my old post,

"life goes on"

sayang,

i'm happy you're happy.

read your mails again.

read your mom's as well.

should i wish her happy birthday?

it would just be a nice gesture.

really looked up to her you know.

i wonder whether would i ever get to see you again.

i love them both.

they meant something.

it's just that people always leave.

even if they promised they would never.

and ranjie is left to pick the pieces up..

pieces of her that they left behind

xx

these are my confessions~

"...

But if u dig deep...
Past the fake smiles and phony laughs...
You will see a sad soul trapped in a cage...
Longing for release...

..."

-Carol Murray

SOMETIMES,

i wonder whether would i always feel this way.

insecure, paranoid, dejected.

SOMETIMES,

i wonder if i would ever have the strength to never look back.

SOMETIMES,

i wonder whether would i achieve all my dreams.

SOMETIMES,

i wonder why people are they way they are. Is it innate to hurt others?

SOMETIMES,

i wonder when would i wake up feeling truly happy and contented with myself and the world.

SOMETIMES,

i wonder what my purpose of surviving is. I don't think i'm cut out to make an impact on anyone.

SOMETIMES,

i wonder if i cross his mind? Does he get flashes of our times together?

SOMETIMES,

i wonder if lying is better than being honest. I've always worn my heart on my sleeves and it has not really done me any good?

SOMETIMES,

i wonder would i end up being alone in this world. people always leave.

and i've more wonders but i'm tired.

i've been throwing up everytime i eat.

at least i bother trying to eat.

i'm allergic to something apparently.

my fingers has bumps and rashes and they are itchy. grr.

i guess i'm whining to someone, something.

i miss complaining =]

why is it when i fall for a guy, i fall hard?

i annoy myself.

i'm such a dreamer.

my head is always in the air.

i just seem to be hoping for him to come back.

turn me around and plant a kiss on my lips.

his hands around me preventing me from falling as my knees would definitely give way.

and when he pulls away,

he would give me a smile and go like " hey beautiful i missed you "

make me yours.

i know i'm worth it.

i don't like thinking about tomorrow.

but i don't like living today.

am i a doll for play?

or did the words you uttered mean nothing?

are words only words or is it meant to kill me as times go by and i'm stuck in rewind?

am i nothing?

or does the world make me feel like i am nothing?

will the days pass by and go brighter?

will i find someone, someone to call my own, or was i meant to be alone?

xx

i'm trying!

• "Never say you're not ready. Live in the moment. Cuz when u lose something precious, you lose them for good. Appearing when you're ready is out of the question. Life is never ideal. You make the best out of what you have.

copied that =]

but i like how it sounds.

today i feel empowered.

i miss him.

i will admit that i love him.

and maybe this is me acknowledging the truth.

and moving on would be me accepting the truth =]

xx

another one joins the elmo family

i saw him yesterday.

i didn't even utter a single word.

and tears instantly brimmed my eyes as soon as i turned my back towards him.

anguish consumes me.

i've never felt so alone before.

yeah i do a few amazing friends whom i know i could call anytime but i don't because i'm a hopeless romantic who just wants a man to shelter me with his arms, his love and his kind words.

mommy,

you not speaking to me is hurting me.

i've failed you in every way

and what hurts is knowing i'll never be good enough to your eyes.

you've another family too.

me dying in a tragic car crash would be far more honourable than me deemed as a failure, true?

my brothers now have siblings who are of much better quality than i am.

they're apparently kind and jovial.

and they care more than me apparently.

and the father is taking her so seriously she's getting introduced to his family.

where am i left really?

i sleep every night thinking of things on my tear-stained pillow.

please,

i really need you there.

where are you?

i contemplated messaging you.

but i know you hate me.

i know you couldn't care less.

you're the only one who pried me open.

you showered me with love and affection and in you i saw my entire family.

would you please come back and rescue me?

my heavy heart is screaming for your gentle hands to come pick me up.

pick me up and hold me.

i just need to know i'm not living without a reason.

keep me in our little haven-

perhaps if i take my life away right now,

i'd be living happily in the firmament.

no more tears.

no more sorrow.

i just have a silly thought that says i'm going to be okay.

and i'm surviving on that.

i need my ciggies. x

with this it'd be 100 empty ramblings.

i feel so lethargic.

all i seem to be doing is sleeping.

barely eating.

i'm back to trembling thinking about tomorrow.

i'm miserable with you. i'm miserable without you as well.

did me falling in love with you scared you away?

the things i did.

the things i would've done.

it all seems so silly now.

i really wish i could take it all back.

i really can't bear facing you anymore.

i fear the mere sight of you would result in me crying in another litre of tears.

am i mad at him?

perhaps.

but mostly i'm just frustrated that i don't understand why is it so hard for a person to digest the fact that there are actually people who for some weird fucked up reasons wants to be with them.

you did let me down.

and i am falling apart.

there is never a proper time to bid goodbye is there?

i need to stop popping pills.

is there a pill to block thoughts though?

i can't handle mine anymore.

the world keeps spinning.

it's beings are moving on.

everyone seems so happy.

and then there's me.

memories keeps flooding my head.

which leads to tears flooding my eyes.

what happened?

i'm tired. so so tired.

i sleep not wanting to wake up.

how did i let a person affect me so much?

i must have been so stupid thinking that i was someone for him.

a friend said i should weep my heart out.

keeping it in is not an option.

so this is me.

i'm on my knees in what feels like six feet under.

don't judge me.

i know i'd make it out of here sometime.

i just want to wallow in self-pity for awhile, just awhile longer.

i tried not thinking about it by keeping myself constantly busy but really i could not give anything a 100%.

i still get constant pangs of my first love.

and in less than a year i'm supposed to deal with losing my second as well?

may you be blessed with every step you take yeah?

everything we had and shared simply seem like lies now.

i hate myself for even letting a person i end up not knowing mess me up even more.

i need a cold shower. x

sprinkle some magic sparkly stuff on me =/

why am i so messed up?

i try so hard to constantly be happy.

to not get all soppy and stuff but WOW

it's really so hard to maintain this emotion.

because everything that surrounds me,

everything that i surround myself with,

doesn't exactly ignite me.

i allow people to get to my head.

my insecurities gets to the best of me.

i just wanna escape.

to someplace where i belong.

with people who understands me.

i'm just too fragile.

why?

i can't seem to change who i am.

i tried.

i failed-

but i kept trying.

and i kept failing.

so what do i do really?

i'm lost, confused.

i've become very despondent at times, most times actually.

i'm back to this blackhole.

but then again i guess i never really left ?

shit seems so bleak.

happiness my ass.

a myth created by people just to give our sorry kind a glimmer of hope.

can you please hold me?

just hold me through the times i'm hurting.

just hold me through the night.

just in case i don't make it.

at least i wouldn't feel so alone.

and if you don't think it's too much of a burden,

just keep holding on to me.

your love might just be the sparkly stuff i need to keep myself sane.

xx

"I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark. And that only I can know, only I can understand my own condition.

cheated much?

i've never felt so cheated before.

i thought she was a friend.

she went behind my back and flirted around with him.

a friend would try to patch shit up for you.

not take advantage.

i've never did that before.

gotten mad and leave a person stranded.

it's not me.

in my head once the anger subsided for a bit all i can think about doing is saying i'm sorry.

but you know what?

i'm not going to.

i'm not going to let people take advantage of me anymore.

i'm in this alone.

this is my life.

as quoted off this movie and it goes something like

" they're sleeping soundly at night while i'm up and about thinking of everything the did to me "

which is true.

ashraf couldn't be bothered less if i am fine or not?

why should i care about him?

yes i did fall in love.

perhaps with the wrong guy.

but this is a mistake that i've made and i'm not going to just sit on my sorry butt thinking of ways to salvage it. i need to salvage myself . so yeah. i'm through. and this time i mean it for real.

i've never lost a friend in this manner, but there is a first of everything. this is life. harsh as it i've gotta get on my own feet and try not to fall apart at every bump i run into.

surprisingly enough i'm not thinking about dying. i wouldn't lie saying suicide isn't doing it's little dance in my head. but i wanna live, i wanna see how far i can go on. where am i headed to i sure as hell don't know but i'm going to try my best not to shiver at that thought anymore.

perhaps i'm learning.

perhaps i'm getting stronger.

i just wanna be. xx

glitch-

it's so hard to change how you've been.

nothing around you changes so you're just stuck with the same shit and pretty much trying different ways to overcome it.

i've been keeping such a strong face for only 5 days and it's the longest 5 days of my life. i had to cry. everything's just so unbearable.

why me.

i couldn't even look at him.

i fear the mere slight connection i feel might send me back to where i'm trying to leave.

i guess i just want to be taken seriously by him, to be treated right, to prove to him that i've feelings too. fuck it i don't really know. i don't know how to let go.

so why am i mad at renise?

as unfair as i'm about to sound i do realize it's true.

that little green monster.

kissed her, twice.

asked her out.

talks to her.

texts her.

it's what i've been wanting from him the whole damn while.

am i going to be fine?

i sure hope so.

because where i am at, sucks balls.

xx

a buddhist saying

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the only one getting burned.

and i was sort of mad today. and i came back. and i watched madea goes to jail? and it's such a good movie like wow i'm so inspired.

i don't want to be angry at the whole world.

and i'm tired of potraying this weak, unhappy girl that someone would feel sorry for me and rescue me or some shit. because i know that's so not going to happen. i've been practicing that for such a long time and the results are indisputable. so here i am, saying-

beginning from today, 1st of march of 2010, i'm going to try and be stronger.

i'm going to forgive everyone who had hurt me and have been hurting me. i'm not going to let them get to me anymore. see life sucks, and it's my choice how i'm going to manage it to let it work out in the way i want it. so yeah, it's definitely going to be a struggle to stop cutting myself, and to stop blogging as much about how much pain i feel and crying and keep returning to the people who hurt me. but i know i very much need a twist, and only i can give my life a twist.

i know i'm going to survive.

perhaps one day i can face the world without any hatred in me.

perhaps i can look at people who had hurt me and smile.

smile without hurting my insides.

so yeah,

truly,

i need to change who i am.

because i know i can be so much better than this.

if i want to stop feeling pain, i need to learn how to let go.

love,

ranjie darling

xx