endurance .

a new depressing thought, every damn day.

so well.

just realized how i'm nobody's....favorite?

i mean everyone ALWAYS have that preference thing.

doesn't mean they like others any less, just that one person a tad bit more?

just figured i'm pretty much nobody's favorite.

not my mom's.

not my dad's.

definitely not my grandparents'

not my brothers'

not my friends', best friends' included.

and i guess the whole fucking world too.

since the new hype are memes, why the fuck not? =] xx

am i?

am i who i think i am?

or am i just awaiting the day for someone to tell me to shove my righteousness so far up where the sun don't shine?

to deal with people on a daily basis has become a constant battle.
i'm conflicted.
i want to be nice.
but i can't anymore.
the well is running dry, but only because the world was greedy.

no that's a lie.
if i'm not nice,
i'm not me.
no?

who am i?
i see this image on the mirror.
but even the supposed reflections differ from one day to the other.
if my physical perception shifts,
wouldn't you already expect major conflicts in, within?

i'm defected.
i'm desperate.
i'm doomed.  xx

she minds .

i'm good, i'm gone.

that attitude.
perhaps it'd serve me well in the long run?
but what about now?
am i just to watch everyone be cuddled in such loving embraces?

there's everyone, all paired up in twos.
then there's ranji.

it is not like i can't.
i can.
but i simply want something for reals.

not talking about forever lasting relationships because we all know that's just such bollocks.
just knowing that feelings are reciprocated that even your cells are certain.

yeah. that's for reals. xx

depth perception

" He wants to know that his sacrifices meant something. He wants someone to tell him that the nightmares that he sees when he closes his eyes help other people sleep better at night. He just wants the world to make sense again. "
-Burn Notice 5x16


Funny, that's exactly why she's the way she is. Always trying to put a smile on someone's face even if it means bending backwards. xx

heartbeat .

i just want to wail.

i've nothing left to do.
nothing left to say.

and i know while i cry my heart away, i'd not be in anyone's arms.

you may say its running away.
but what does one do when there's no solution.

is there anyone out there?
anyone, at all?
do you not get the pain i'm in?
will you help me, end me? xx

lights out .

I'm scared.

Of all the things, of all the mistakes I have made, the words I've uttered & the ones I did not, the people I've met with, the past, the present & the future.

I'm really terrified.

Will that ever go away?
Constantly facing nagging thoughts.
Just the need to know exactly what's in their heads, that will put my mind to ease, I hope?

Paralyzed by my fears.
When will I stop drowning myself?

Do you ever get that feeling?
Sitting down, spacing away, wondering ;

How have I been living? 

                How am I going to face my tomorrows? 

Tomorrows, I'd definitely be there for yours, if you'd allow me. Would you be there for mine? xx

liar =/

The One Person You Never Really Get Over

DEC. 7, 2011 

By RYAN O'CONNELL 

There will always be that one person you’ll never really get over. I know, I know, Connie Chung delivering groundbreaking news over here, but it’s true. Sure, you can go days, weeks, months, years without thinking of them but the second you see their face or their name gets mentioned in passing, your stomach drops and you feel like you could puke. You’ve lost control and all of these feelings suddenly rise to the surface to say, “Sup? Have you missed us?’ You’ll hate yourself for this, for all of it. You won’t be able to recognize why this one person can still garner this type of reaction. Why is your mind punking you? It almost feels like a betrayal. You want to give your emotions a stern talking to and say, “Um, hi. I thought we were over this? So why am I getting super nervous and spazzy at the mere mention of their name? You promised me that we were over this, brain. THANKS A LOT.”

You’re not over this person because you still want to see them naked. If they wanted you at this moment, you would leave everything and come to them. It almost feels good knowing that you want someone so bad. You spend so much of your time feeling indecisive about things but this is the one thing that remains the same. It drives you insane but it also brings a certain level of comfort, doesn’t? “No matter what happens, I will always want to lie my naked body next to yours.”

You’re not over this person because they still have the ability to piss you off. A simple insensitive comment made in passing can affect you worse than an insult from your best friend. Why? Why? WHY? That’s all you ask yourself as you sit, licking your wounds. It’s important to not question this too much. It’s fruitless. It just is. Maybe one day they won’t piss you off. Maybe one day you’ll feel nothing. Hope for nothing, accept everything.

You’re not over this person because you can still remember the little details, like the way their sweat smelled (ew, make that memory go away), their favorite song at seventeen, or a day you held hands in the backseat of a car. These memories still reduce you to mush all of these years later. Can you believe it? How can some lovers evaporate the day they leave you and others stay way past their welcome? Who gets to choose who gets left behind and who gets to stick? Not you.

You’re not over this person probably because they could never love you back the way you wanted them to, the way you needed them to. They were a defective toy that couldn’t be fixed at the shop. This made you so angry and so sad and you tried just so damn hard and everyone knew it but it didn’t work. Not one bit. Because of this, your business with them will always seem unfinished. You couldn’t conquer them and seal the deal, which made getting any kind of closure difficult. Your closure needs to be done on your own. You have to accept that this person will never give you the answers you want them to.

It sucks to have this one person in your life that can derail you at a moment’s notice. But in a way, it feels good knowing that you could ever love someone so much. Or that’s what you tell yourself anyway. It doesn’t matter if something is true or not. The things we tell ourselves can become our truth. 

holes inside .

she wakes.
she sees.
she sees the world for what it is.
she tries.
she smiles.
she hurts.
she dances.
she yearns.
she still grins.
she jumps.
she does handstands.
she walks on glass.
she pretends.
she craves.
she fails.
she fails everyone.
she fails herself.
she closes her eyes.
she sees the world for what it isn't.
she hopes.
she sleeps.


and that cycle repeats =/ xx

just want to call a place home =/

this i promise you .

it hurts.
it definitely does.

he's never gonna come.
she's dead anyways so why does it matter?

your heart.
its not where it should be.

all i craved was just a shot to make you whole.

you ruined it.
she's reduced to nothing.
oh you heartless one.
i just hope when it hits you, it hits you hard. xx

for you .

be my father. be my friend. be my lover.

7 billion people inhabits this planet.
there's bound to be one fucking person, for me?

you know what i'm talking about .
you chase one. its so damn right, you feel it in your bones.
then that one chases another.
who chases another.
and goddamn its a never-ending cycle.

years.
we've been chasing something that has been eluding us for years.
and we know there are many more years to come.
hence being presented with the question;

 "will it be like that for the rest of our lives?"

i've read somewhere before and posted way back-
summing that up would be that everything is a mere illusion.

so how do you know, once you're there?
will that be enough?

content.
isn't it human nature to never feel content with anything and everything?

said this to a person .
"just because you're not sad..doesn't mean you miss it any less, know what i mean?"

what a hypocrite i am =/ right? xx

walking dream .

ha. haha. hahaha. 

i'm fine . perfect . i'm much too strong . right? x

getting nowhere .

her life is leaking away.
year by year.
month by month.
week by week
day by day.
hour by hour.
minute by minute
second by second.
weary, 
she's weary.
mockers. liars.
they want her out.
they're weighing her down.
the world as she know it ; is finally caving in on her.


this tattered soul needs mending.
what does one do, when she's done searching?
xx

mississippi isabel .

if you don't believe in god .
if you have lost all that faith you had in yourself .
if you spend your days listening to songs waiting for seconds to pass from one to the other .
if you're not allowed to believe in movies .
if you know better than to trust in people .




what's there left to trust in ? x

little white doves .

she was up, way up.
then she was falling down, way down.
then she got picked up, then brought down.

in familiarity we find comfort.
so she cuts.
cuts so deep.
where even pain can't reach her.

and on some days,
the pain gets unbearable.
but then again,
"i rather feel pain than nothing at all"


such a dilemma you find yourself in.
trying to be okay,
knowing you're not,
wondering if you'll ever be,
even if it was just for awhile.

xx

part of this world .

hollow .

everything that goes in, flows right out .

except misery.

that sticks.

why is it on me? 

why is everything on me? 

and then why is it only me who feels? 

i'd love to think i'm nice .

i'm nice enough .

i try to be .

but nobody cares enough about the nice girl's wants & needs .

is it her own fault she's always attending to others?

even if no one is attending to hers? 

perhaps these questions,

will never be answered .

nor will they fade . xx

you should already know .

that your texts make my day .

whenever we talk a smile just appears on my face .

i look forward to just saying hi to you .

you make me happy-

yet you crush me .

that's exactly how it should be right ?

he just put his hands on me .

and i completely hated it ?

yet i didn't know how to show it =/ xx

if you will let me .

all this hatred .

disdain, too .

did i in anyway choose to be born? 

why would i..right?

i must have not seen what exactly my future held . 

or if it was written somewhere, a couple of pages were skipped by these no longer sharp eyes .

there has to be an explanation .

why else would an abomination be allowed to wander around aimlessly? 

you left me to rot .

you made a mistake .

this loner will make her mark .

someday, somehow .

you pick me up , you throw me on the rocks below .

pieces of my bones , remains of this being -

finally fulfilling its life purpose .

food- 

food for water critters .

People, they're unreliable. They sicken, decay and die.

don't you see the pain she's in ? xx

 

cura te ipsum

guess that holds true .

how can two words completely shatter one of the best days i ever had?

i never had mega hopes, that's my cold comfort .
i know i'll be fine, i know i'll be very much okay .
i just,
i did it very different this time around .

day 3 in efforts of quitting smoking .
fuck you .
like seriously FUCK ALL OF YOU .

i hate having to be nice to the people i DESPISE . =/
weakling , indeed i am .

trying to have a positive outlook for a better future,
all i see is a promise of despair .
an infinite promise. xx

listen to your heart .

somehow,
by choosing not to blog,
i'd be able to purge these memories.

the lies we tell ourselves . .

am i selfish?
will i ever forgive him?
am i in the wrong? or is he?

i beat myself up with these questions .

i know he can't fix up any of his messes .
i know it, no matter how hard he tries, if he is .
but maybe he can avoid fucking up any further .
just leave me, just leave us alone, please .
even if you think you don't have to choose we can all just get along ;
that's being naive, papa .

i want you to just SHUT UP about EVERYTHING .
you've no right to say anything about anyone .
you lost my respect, everyone's really .
a long time ago .
now it only looks pathetic and it pisses me off .

can i hate you?
do i already?
if i do then why do i hate myself for not being able to be okay with you?

i don't want to be like every other person who has to forcefully keep their mouth shut with bolts and wires because you have to put up with them in the future, possibly .
i want to be like , if its not then fuck you, and then fuck off you know?

courage,
she needs .
always been lacking in that department .

even if he makes her happy .
she can't tell him , just how much exactly . xx

it will rain .

i give, i give, and i keep on giving .
they take, they take it all, even more than i have to give .
then nobody gives it back .

disheartened =/

i'd jump off a cliff if it brings anyone joy..
why wouldn't anyone do the same?

sick and tired of sugarcoating it for everyone.

Q: What do you want to be in the world? I mean the whole world. What do you want to be? 

A: Found. 

Q: When are you gonna let yourself be happy again?

A: I am happy.

Q: I'm talking about when everyone else goes home. 

A:    . . .

- August Rush (2007)

voodoo child .

Why does cigarette smoke never go back into the cigarette? Why do molecules spread away from each other? Why does a spilled drop of ink never reform? Because the Universe moves towards a state of  dissipation. That is the principle of entropy. The tendency of the universe to evolve to a state of increasing disorder. The principle of entropy is related to the arrow of time, a result of the expansion of the Universe. But what will happen when gravitational forces counter-balance the forces of expansion? Or if the energy of the quantum void proves too weak? At that moment, the universe might enter its phase of contraction. The Big Crunch. So what will become of time? Will it reverse? No one knows the answer. 


one of the many quotes off Mr. Nobody . xx

white flag .

i.can't.even.write.x

mad world .

but all the drugs in this world,

won't save her from herself.

today i just got slapped by reality.

i was being a vulture, wasn't i?

now a carcass .

when will i solidify .

i need to die . xx

live with me .

i can't be there

that's all you had to say to me was

you couldn't be there

why couldn't you say to me

you won't be there

you could've warned me

you wouldn't be here

right here

you wouldn't be here for me.

the deuce with it .

that really awkward moment where you realize you have a crush on your ex boyfriend's best friend not forgetting best friend's ex fling . x

cheers .

get away ; she finally succumbed to the need of drowning the pain that's on the inside .

Release, that's what  we long for..an end to our craving..which death, perhaps, will provide. Until then, we are locked in our bodies, consumed by what we lack..at the mercy of ourselves and of each other. Release, that's what we long for. If, in the end, all we are given is release, to be no longer consumed by what we lack, then that must be our consolation..and a kind of mercy.

-the body farm ; s01e02

xx

a cacophony of emotions .

i've just been so fine with myself .
i've been getting along just fine .

then he calls and i weaken .
it was a really great night .
happy birthday, bestie .
i've done what i could do to make your 20th a special one .

we were at stairway cafe .
laughing talking .
he kept brushing his hands his legs against mine .
one part of me goes like , damnit =S
one part goes please get away from me you've done enough .

he asked me whether i had missed him recently , i said yes yes and YES.
they asked him if he wondered about me in that manner he said yes .
i don't know what he wants from me or whether is he just lonely that's why he's been calling me just to check up on me.

but i was fine .
was back to the place where it all started .
missed my home .
for a long time i was just holding my breath .
wishing we'd end up together .

too late to cry, too broken to move on.

you're in my veins .
i inhaled you again tonight .
and goddamned, have i missed you .

i don't want to try anymore .
we've been here before .
please let me disappear on you .
please .
i can't afford to be broken further .
xx

backseat .

Everything you did and everything you said, 

now I’m standing here looking like damn 

I thought it was you and I,

now all I gotta say is why.

for you,
i'd go black and blue.
i do not wish to revert time to un-meet you ; i just want to revert the way i handled myself .
xx

throw me a bone .

vertical and horizontal thoughts been overwhelming me lately .
i see the blood .
i miss the pain .
where does it all go ?
those feelings that made me . . different somehow than what i am now .
adversities overcomed? but boy don't they keep on coming .
how can i get to know you again when its me who has become a stranger ?

am i vindicated now ? you ?
what has happened to those needs ?
hate . rage . anger .
no, not really ?
maybe yes ?
confusion with a tinge of biterness .

he needs me now but i can't seem to find the time .
then there's a difference between can't and won't .
would i be any less of a person if i were to tell the truth ?
on the brink of another dosage of self destruction .
when, if i ever do, give up on me ? xX

look what the cat dragged in .

cause im worth nothing in anyones life, not even less than less.

when i whine explicitly, i feel most disgusted by myself. x

who's gonna hold you down ?

sayang baby darling my honey bunny.

it has been years.
a lot has taken place-
to us, between us.

one thing i can tell for sure though.
nothing is how it was.
and i fought, still i fought.
there are days where i think about how happy i was before the world took its toll on me.
and the only time i can reflect back on to would be the times where i was yours.

whatever relationship or relationshit we had, its over, i know.
i wouldn't allow myself to give you any satisfaction.
conflicted,
heart, mind, body and soul.

i just sometimes wonder on how you're getting by.
i'd love to tell you how i'm getting on.
but in your eyes ; you'd see complacency and you'd be disgusted.
that's far, a universe away from the truth.
drowning in uncertainty.
and it is not like you care.
or even if you do, you wouldn't let your pride come crashing down.

so this is me,
screaming out.
i miss you.
i miss everything i was with you.

and let's just say ; if i were the kind to pray , you'd be in my prayers everyday.

you'd be a somebody.
know that your #1 fan has always been there, always will be.
just lurking in the shadows.
xx

all of the lights .

" when you come crawling back, you'll see that we can't change the past. "

it's just unnatural for me to not be wanting more?
if i could simply my wants ; i'd be happy.
my wants are shapeshifters!
there,
i labelled my wants but i still do not comprehend it.


they said i'm a man-like chick?
what they meant was independent.
my face -----> =.=

it's not that i want to be all tough and shit.
i have to be.
and what's wrong with it?
is it wrong to be able to care for myself?
is it wrong to expect MORE in a MAN?
if i can do certain things..if i can keep a job while getting my degree and still having a social life without the need to party and drink and toke..can't i expect the same or MORE from a person i'm to succumb my feelings to?
i dare say of course i can expect.
aren't men more capable of things?

maturity.
am i the only out there with the improper age?
20 is damn right about time to not be fooling around,son.

sure i'd like to be coddled.
to have all my wants be presented to me on a silver platter.
but the world doesn't work that way.
of having such expectations i got my heart broken by men i never dated.
of having such expectations i got my trust and soul destroyed by those who surrounds me.

i am taking charge now.
and i'll not allow me to kowtow to someone who is sure as hell ain't worth my time, tears, money and affection.

even then,
i'll know it'd all be an illusion, a mirage.
because nothing ever lasts.

so i guess its never okay to let these walls crumble down.
which is..sad really..

but i'll be fine..
what you get is what you have to get by.
xx

my distant...lover?

"But I'm tired and unwilling to be the only one who was wrong. 

she's like a star ; my left ass .

Arthur's Day concert .
I guess I've been breaking all my pledges.
Only consolation is that now I know better of what's expected of me so I know when to say yes and when to say no.

"Come over to the dark side ; we have cookies"

Lately it has just been like I do not want to be weighed down by my past. I've had days where I felt so good. I finally convinced myself (and I believe it too) that I'm perfectly fine. I'll be okay. Everything I've been looking for is just around the corner. You wait for the best things. Etc.

I wouldn't say its such bollocks as I its all I have right now.
No more self-righteousness.
No more discipline.
No more clinging on to what has been or could have been.

Yes.
I realized there was a part of me that's fully aware of how I do crave of wanting a person there for me.

She's like a star.

It's been years.

Do I crave it? 

On occasions? 

That would mean I'm consciously being a hypocrite. 

Decisions.

Goddamned decisions.

I miss that rush. The tears that pour onto the open wounds that burns it more, transcending me. 

Yeah perhaps I made a promise.

But when I've lost all respect ; wouldn't an empty promise be unworthy of keeping? 

Mutilate me.

I would.

Why wouldn't you? 

xx

in the dark .

you want them when they don't want you ; soon as they do feelings change .
-eminem

this holds true , i suppose .
i crave for liberation .
break me free from these chains .
obligations...social responsiblities.. i'm dimmed .

i be high, then i be low.
-kid cudi

oh yeah.
i'm fighting me on a daily basis.
i wanna speak my mind to their faces to get through their ignorant skin.
courtesy. she's too nice.
labelled , preferred to be regarded as such .
so here i am , whining to the elusive space that surrounds me . xx

sinking .

you didn't break me ; you made me .

maybe its the mood swings .
maybe it has just been such all this long .

deactivated facebook.
that has to be the first time ever.
i couldn't handle the responsibilities anymore.

its a constant battle with myself yeah.
everyone is fighting their own battle, yes.

i feel so out of touch with this world.
as if i've risen and i'm going places, yet i'm still HERE.
same shit, different day.
its a never ending circle you know?

her heart is so cold, yet heavy.
or perhaps she's pretending to be cold because her heart is already heavy.

clueless as to how to go on from here.
5.46 on a sunday morning.

when everything's meant to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am. 


but then who am i?

x

wegue .

I'm tough.

No matter what happens, I'll deal with it however I deal with it and I pick myself up.

Today I questioned everything I stand for, ME.

Mental exhaustion has came to a point where I do not know what's next anymore.

So yeah .

In this darkness,

on her knees she falls.

She's crawling, 

carrying the weight of guilt.

Depression induced by guilt.

For her faults, for his faults, for their faults.

Crying. 

That's all I'm capable off. 

Rotting.

That's all I seem to be doing.

x

excuse my mood .

everybody sees , nobody gets .

you look at me don't you?
don't you see the darkness within me?
think abyss .
think dark holes .
think that and multiply whatever you're picturing .

everybody sees , nobody gets .

its obviously easier to expect someone to be happy all the time .
they'd practically carve a smile if that's what it takes .
but this mind, it can explode .
i feel the prickly tears ,
i wipe it away .

everybody sees , nobody gets .

maybe it is true .
i breed depression .
but you and i both know its an illusion .
its a cruel myth fed to kids .
eluding me .

everybody sees , nobody gets .

self-inflicted rage .
in familiarity we find comfort . x

game over .

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love 


-adele;make you feel my love .




but i know for some reasons unknown to me, i'm a castaway in your world . 
ugly , you've labelled me . 
and ugly i'll stay . xx

young folks .

on some days , 

she's actually insanely drop dead beautiful .

then on other days ,

she wonders how does the world put up with such a squalid one.

in my head is a constant flow of pain.

distrusting every person.

i foresee a repeated future.

resulting in a heart that's locked down.

users' manual erased.

young lady .

striving for a life on her own .

trying to do it right .

trying not to make any mistakes , well any more.

vivid imagination, yet she's so confined ?

now she's drowning in her own darkness .

licking her wounds inflicted upon others , she's retreating .

lying in the dark , like a snake . 

waiting for her moment -

her moment to strike . x

20-year old stranger .

happy birthday to me .
1.44am .

where do i even begin to tell you what's wrong .
i find myself trapped within myself ; then entrapped within this world .


you looked back, can't i hold you accountable for that? Or is that something that works only on the silver screen..?

she noticed a scar. i switched the topic.

its pouring now..2am..
its pouring outside, and inside.
these hot tears that trickles down my cheeks brings me back to reality.

and the reality is,
i'm dying =/

i hate everything.
nothing is going my way.
i'm bending my back for shit.
i need things to stop being blown up in my face.
i don't want to put up with things anymore.
things that make me unhappy.
things that i need to conform my ways just to get by.

its like no one cares.
nobody gets it.
and this silence i confine myself to is riving me.

nada.
she's accomplished nada.

she's a tittle.
waiting to make her mark,
tired of being omitted of her own ambitions.

happy 20th birthday ranji.
may you enjoy this day celebrating the nothingness you've turned out to be. xx

i know i'm not forgiven .

Black & White .

Left & Right .

Right & Wrong .

there are always two sides.

which side will prevail this time? 

it's been long.

i do not want to give in.

for i know i'd always end up regretting.

but then there's the other side.

Rational & Irrational . 

xx

i get lonely too.

don't speak.

hold me, soak up my tears with your shirt. 

and let's never bring it up again. xx

mirror, mirror .

do i see a woman ,
or do i see a child ?

i see a woman with the insides of a child .
or maybe i see a child yearning for the insides of a strong woman .

with every doing,
i disappoint myself.
how does one live with that?

in the moment you just do things and say things, a rush that takes control.
and when that gets diluted i'm left with me, disappointed .

everything seems to be in the past .
i'm fighting to move on .
i'm in the ring with myself .
and she's my worst enemy .

xx

i need a dollar .

this is all way too familiar.
i'm still desolate.
yeah i'm busy yeah i've things to do yeah i've people around yeah i'm SUPPOSED to feel great.
i don't.
i seriously don't
nagging,
i still hear that nagging voice.

WHY?
i don't get myself.
what else do i seek?

i will sail back to you...

is this jealousy?
is this being greedy?
ravenous perhaps?

something's still missing.
i don't think i have the energy to pick up another activity.
i wish to be understood, for i can't understand. =/ xx

hitting turbulence .

watched all these movies. read all these books. heard these stories.

i simply stand out.
coward,
you branded me.
a coward is definitely what i am.

deceit,
she's basked in deceit.

i know what's wrong.
i'm all wrong.
how do you fix yourself?
i tried.
is consistency the key?
its rather hard when you find yourself slipping down the same hole.

agony,
agony is all she feel.

xx

beautiful lasers .

entangled in a mess known as myself .
these desires are false , indefinitely .
how on earth did i end up here again ?
choices . bad choices that i've made from day one .

i can't remember what's it like being in a relationship anymore ?
distant , far far distant memory .

need to escape .
escape from this cage .
this cage known as my head ,
this cage known as my body . xx

say ♥

lately i've been reflecting a lot especially since the beginning of April . well my momma's birthday is on the 29th so yeah i bought her a card that really seemed sweet to me . But well the point of me writing this is not only because my blog has been neglected lately , but also because i suddenly had like an epiphany in the shower earlier , or well during my talk at uni earlier . at one point i felt accomplished , as if i did something and i got recognized for something . as much as i LOVE compliments and whatnot , the only thing that came to my mind was well thank my momma . since that thought entered my head really , i can't help wondering ever since the beginning of April i've been feeling so much more affection , for my mom ? and i know that's weird really either for two reasons because i'm supposed to always feel affection for my mom or because i'm not one to really share my tenets on my momma . but yeah lately i've had a lot more respect and love ? she's really something . after my entire day today , i received a series of compliments i think i spent my day well and all i wanted to do was to come home and tell my mom . i was disheartened when she was already in bed . yes , for me that is weird . i've had so much resentment and i held her accountable for many things . yes i love her but i loved her out of my obligation more than a free will really ? I KNOW THAT'S BAD . HORRIBLE as a child . this is my space to truly vent out my feelings so there i said it . lately all that took a turn i guess ? its as if i shifted to a new paradigm? i just want myself to be someone accomplished so she'd be happy because without her kids she's no one , really ? we define her . and i know i'm NOT AND NEVER WILL BE THE PERFECT DAUGHTER . a convict is still capable of humanity to some extent? i guess that applies ? just because i'm not perfect doesn't mean i can't try to make her happy? in my shower then i was just like my blog really used to be an outlet of my emotion . i'd love for anyone to stumble across it and gain insights and learn ME . but my mom makes me too . which is why i decided to dedicate a post saying that i do love her , infinitely .

this doesn't change the fact that there are days where i just get so ticked off and we argue . this doesn't change the fact that there are some days where she really gets to me and i end up going ballistic either in tears or rage . i just had to set the right picture here because since the day i started my blog , i've only addressed her , with accusing fingers . xx

dysmenorrhoea

ARGH ! every bloody month . EVERYYYYYYYY month . =S this pain is killing me >.< 

hold your tongue .

your words .
your lack of faith .
your constant need to remind me of my mistakes .
your misery .
your depression that is projected unto me .
your anger .
your unfulfilled hopes .
your shattered dreams .
your everything .

just for today , hold your tongue . this weakened soul can only deal with a certain amount of things at a moment . i love you , and you've no idea how much i'm driven to WANT to make it just for you .

hmd2011 xx

hinach yafah ? psh .

‎"People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past."




for long i've been putting up this it's okay attitude . like everything is fine and i'm fine with everything and i'm tired . TIRED , broken . they've shattered me . i've tried so hard to please . so hard to make everyone happy . taken advantage , prodded , used . i'm nothing but a washed up bitch . courage i thought i had built . indifference . FUCK ALL OF YOU REALLY LIKE THANKS FOR THE FUCKING JOYRIDE . it's as if , i was nothing but trash . mere trash . and as simple as that , as if i'm literally stupid . you're gonna pay . oh how you're all gonna pay . xx

until we bleed .

" and that night i looked up..stars! i've never seen so many of em . sky was blazing with them . dad explained, you need real dark to see stars.......but when things are really dark, as dark as they can get, you can see so much more, so many wonderful things. "

heartless ; 2009 . xx

angel .

" For a long time, it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacles in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, some time to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin . At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life . "

-Sam's letters to Jennifer ; James Patterson-

xx

love me , love me , love me .

i am desolate . 

i want to crawl out of my own disgusting body . 

taxing .

does it ever go away ? 


no..i don't think it does. not for me, it hasn't. it's going on 11 years. it changes though .


how?


i don't know . the weight of it, i guess . at some point, it becomes bearable . it turns into something that you can crawl out from under  and carry around like a brick in your pocket.  and you even forget it for awhile. but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is .
Oh. Right. That.
which could be awful. but not all the time . it's kinda.. not that you like it , exactly , but it's what you got instead of your son . so you carry it around . and it doesn't go away . which is .. 


which is what ?


fine , actually . 






things have been weird lately i guess . after a few months i finally heard his voice . i , broke down . and i met him . and he's well . i swear i've missed him . he really was something to me . it's incredibly sad between us .. nothing ever took place it's as if we could be something so great , but our love story never really took place ? which is rather sad . for i'd have given up everything i'd ever known , just to go back to that night where it felt as if the world is right again , for i was in his arms . i miss you and i just really miss you and i don't know how to not want you . i can feel you inside my bones . why don't you just , forget it .




tomorrow marks the 21st of April . every year i write a letter to him . this time around , i don't know what i should say to him anymore . it's not like he's ever going to read it or bother reading it but this time around i simply know that when it comes to me , he's completely detached . like as if we meant nothing at all . and i'm just trying to breathe really . as usual shit is overwhelming . there are days where i don't even want to get out of bed and face anything . but , i do . i have to . i can't afford to allow him render me helpless. for it's pointless , no ? no matter how much pain i am in , even if he sees it , he's not going to come back . or even mutter a simple hi . amazing how i'd have given you the last bit of air left in me if you ever asked .  but uhmm , yeah . i'd still write you . even if i don't know what else i can do except write . 

and that quote up there , really helps . 

xx

reminded .

things have been nothing but hectic lately .
i've not really been in the mood to bitch .
but here i am , forcing myself , for the lack of anything better to do at 7 in the morning .

daycare..united nations..tuition..smart reader..
everything was solely by my choice .
i wanted to really keep myself busy so i wouldn't really have the time to think you know ?
figured i was just bored . i just need to occupy myself , so i wouldn't sit down and reminisce .

but no . i still feel bored . i still feel the void .
my life lacks something  .
i need to do more . .  ?
what is it that i'm missing .
i was pretty convinced i don't need anymore men in my life .
i'm done chasing the ones that i lost , done looking for new ones that keeps reminding me of the one i lost .

moving on ,
you fucking CUNT .
you bring immaturity to a whole new level .
i truly do wish you grow some senses soon  .
roping my name in while you try to build your once has been world .
fuck you miserable piece of shit .
grow up and leave .
do the right thing .
i swear i feel so sorry for you .

andyeahiguessi'venotbeenproudofmyselfi'veallowedmyselftogetbacktosquareone.justlikethat.
i couldn't fight it out .
and now i'm trying to stay away .

fuckkkk . things have been BAD-GOOD-WORSE-AMAZING-shitted .

and i thought i was the one with the manic disorder . xx

my dream .

when i get to live my dream .
when i finally get to live in it .

this ...
this is my dream .
and i get to be insanely out of my mind happy for my dream .
but i'm not discounting your need to vomit  over my insanities . 

- greys anatomy 7x17 ♥ 

in my life -

i don't know what to say anymore . 
i don't know what to do anymore . 


is all well , really ? 
meaningless , i've turned into . 
tired is what i truly am . 


hoping for a better day .
another chance perhaps .
something new . 
rescue me from this , this abyss ? 


fun . 
empty fun  .
tortured . 
immensely tortured .


I want to be remembered for one single stupidity I committed, and
completely forgotten for who I really was.

it's just one of those moments where honestly i can't be bothered to pen down my feelings .

but i've also shut myself from the rest of the world . 

i've nothing left .

nothing ...

and in nothingness i bask

and in nothingness i'm nothing . 

i'm nothing to me .

i'm nothing to her , to him , to them . 

shit seems bleak  . 

i'm done whining over losing you  . 

seriously , i messed up hey big time i know hey but people make mistakes . stop acting all god like . you know you pushed me too . fuck you . and fuck off . you've my sympathy . that's all you'd get . you don't deserve my love anymore .

none of you do really .

for none of you see me for who i really am .

none of you know what kind of a psychotic person i've turned into .

The last thing you ever want to
do is try to psychoanalyze me, it’s not because every action you ever committed
was a direct reaction to the fact that a family member touched you `down there
` when you were a kid that it’s the same for everyone, some of us actually
manage to get over our daddy issues instead of going through life as a
pathetic attention whore, and you can’t really blame your father, I wouldn’t of
hugged you either you fat, ugly bitch.

this speaks to me . haha .

FUCK YOU . 

FUCK ME . 

nothing but meat for maggots .  xx

life .

fucking A .



and i say that with the rawest sarcasm you can find in merely 8 alphabets .  x

lil wayne's part ♥

And I don't mind when we fall out

Long as we fall back into it

I hope we never put an end to it

Even though you not that into it

Heaven, have you ever been to it?

Cause you look live you've never been

You more like a hell's angel

And for you i'd rather sin

Broken heart love you with a broken heart

For you i'll jump off Noah's ark

Love is blind and hope is dark

Why does pain feel so good

Love is science

Live for you die for you

And i'll die smiling

bury tomorrow .

happy valentines 2011 , peoples  ♥


morning was perfected by him ♥
i couldn't ask for more . 


but somehow i'm feeling bummed now . about 8 and a half hours left before this day is over .
and i've not cried , in a week ? which is , weird . 
it's as if somehow i've either turned a psychopath ! or well i'm incapable of feelings ! or somehow i'm down with some disease that my tear ducts are blocked o.O 




gotten - slash ft adam levine ♥
this song goes for him . especially today . 


So nice to see your face again 
But tell me will this ever end 
Don’t disappear 


it still pains me . 
sometimes .
but blegh whatever really . 


Sweet dreams that wont come true, I'll leave them all for you.
xx

199th .

I wear these marks of shame-
Not with pride for my head's held low-
I aim beyond where I stand today-
And if weakness is a virtue ,
Then I am queen and misery’s my empire .

there's this guy ♥
the one and only wonder of this world , well my world ♥

i can't help wonder if it's possible for things to work out between us again . 

everything seems fine . 

but i'm afraid to even think of anything , for fear of jinxing it . 

but what is it? 

i can't hear his unspoken words . 

but he still makes me happy .

he makes me the happiest ♥

nothing else matters ,

nothing else compares . 

how i can only wish we have a chance of being us again . 

i'm afraid . 

deeply terrified .

for what if he realizes he can score one far more better , 

one who didn't break him in the past .

insecurities . =/
but i don't want to fight the butterflies =/ xx

something random , something real .

thisisonlyformetoreadreallybecauseidon'twantwanttoforgetanythingthathappenedbuthavefunreadingifyouwish =]

weweretexting.orwellkathywastextinghimformeandthenhestartedwiththewholeilooklikeabishekthing.thenatdesaparkcity,everythingwasperfect.ciggies,bigapple,perfectweatherbythelake.decidedtogivehimacallwhichendedupinhimpickingmeupfromkathy'sbecauseiparkedmycarthereandhadnotenoughtimetogohomeallanywaysoyeahhepickedmeupwithhisfriend.anditwasn'tawkwardatall?iinstantlyhititoffwithhimandhisfriend.theymadeitsoundasifwe'realreadytogether?iwaslikeeh-________-we'rejusttextingevenidon'tknowwhat'supwithus.butallinallthedrivewasreallyfun.thenisaidbyetohisfriendrightwedroppedhimoffatfirstworld.gavehimthebigapplehewaslikeomgthankyoui'mstarvinglikehell.wedrovedown.talkedandtalkedabouteverything.smokedtalkedtalkedsighsitwasnice.macha2lahhe'sniceiguess.wassupposedtobringhimtodpcbutitwasalready11.30++andwewerestillhalfwaysoyeahh.thenparkedatkathy'shouse.andyeahwemadeout.hahawespokeaboutitearlier.sowedidanddamnhe'sgood.it'sbeenfuckingAGESsinceimadeoutwithapersonjustmakeoutnothingelseinvolved.itwasnicebutduhwedidtrytodosomeshitbutitwasnicebecauseitwaslikesweetyethot?yeahlieddowninhisarmsonhimtookindathingieitwasnothingbutsweetandit'sbeenagesiguessidon'tknow.whateveridon'tknowwhat'shappeningbetweenusorwhat.hewaslikeyou'redatingabisheknowandhekeptrepeatingthat.istressedonthe"eh?dating"hewaslikeyeahbutsomehowwehavedifferentideasofdatingperhaps?ranjiedarlingcan'twaittoseehimagain =]

lets add a ps ;
sohesaidstufflikei'mbeautiful.surprisedikepttalkingtohim.toldhimilikelikehim.hesaidihadniceskinlikeo.OhewasliterallyexaminingmyfaceandTHANKGODDijustwentforthreadingafewhoursagonofacialfacialhairall.i'magoodkisser?thatiknow ;]xx

chalomot shel acherim .

dear world ,
what's it like for you to hush ?
for you to quiet down to nothingness ?
where no one speaks .
where no one has to be heard .
it's as if a blanket of silence was placed upon us .
like someone invented a mute button that works on the entire globe .
just for a short period of time .

so people would appreciate the ability to speak .
and not simply voice out to hurt .

dear planet of mine ,
is there a rain you can get drenched in .
a special kind of rain where suddenly everyone stops talking .

i love you .
i love all of you .
i loathe some too .
but i just NEED silence .
i just need to breathe .
i need to not feel like a constant failure .
i don't need reminders .

all of your voices are blatantly echoing in my head .
breaking me down further .
as if my thoughts don't do the trick already . xx

can't be fucking bothered .

so many thoughts .
so many ideas .
frustrated .
i'm dying to burst .
i'm dying to yell .
i don't want to be everyone's pillar .
i'm hollow on the inside .
look at me .
i'm falling to pieces .
look DIRECTLY at me .
see me for how i am .
i want to fucking SCREAM .
please shut up =/
please listen to me .
listen to my silent cries .
it's so hard to bear this world and it's issues .
i'm barely breathing .
don't run to me .
run away . . .
it's so hard to do this .
i can't even be bothered to unload myself unto all of you .
will the day ever come that someone fucking RESCUES ME?

like wooohoooo . i'm problematic myself .
fuck this shit . =/ xx

i cry .

because you are amazing -
i cry .
because you are impossible -
i cry .
because i think i've fallen for you -
i cry .
because i am afraid of what's to take place next -
i cry .
because you make me laugh -
i cry .
because you care .
i cry .

and all i can do is cry . 
you're so , impeccable . xx

tsk tsk tsk .

who am i to tell them that they are in the wrong ?
that they shouldn't be blind to what they have ?
for only when you don't have it , you'll YEARN for it .

it's 2011 already .
what's so different ?
what's so special ?
it's just another day that goes by .
everybody is just so , oblivious .

and i'm done with him .
if i stay on any longer , i'll just fall harder till it'll take too long to piece me again . x