wonderful .

i really wish i could write about being happy and shit. xx

conspirator .

Surely I can free myself from these chains.
These chains that I claim to be held down by.
Strength so overwhelming I'm apparently pinned with my face half an inch from the ground.

I'm jealous on days.
Then I tell myself to know better at night.

How can I cure myself when there's stupidity that is oh so stifling!

I check myself every step that I'm aware of.
All that effort, that sweat, that work put into bending my limbs in ways unimagined just so-
Just so I'd not be deemed worthy as opposed to some attention seeking cunts?

Has it become my nature to distrust every person I meet?
Did skepticism embed itself in every single cell that I'm made of?
Even towards these people I find myself surrounded by both voluntarily and not?

"Round and round we go.
When's it gonna stop."

I am living another life in my head.
I tell myself that's the life I'll be leading.
Surely I know it's nothing but a mere fantasy.
Childish, one would presume.
Will I get to where I want to be?
Is there some sort of switch or a glitch in time that at some very precise moment I'll know my life has taken a turn for the better?
In my head I see that supposed glitch.
That glitch I'm putting my head down now for.
That glitch I'm doing my best to deserve it when it comes.
That glitch..
That glitch....

One can only dream.
One can only hope.

" Hell is yourself "

xx

intro .

Possibly one of the most beautiful starry night I've ever set my eyes upon in all 21 years of my life. All I'm thinking is if I made the right decision to come here with those set of people.

I'll be better tomorrow.

I'll be a stronger me.

I'll be the best me I will ever be.

Yet these years go on hard.

These aches for the unfulfilled spaces in my heart. 

Why are we cursed with the gift to yearn?

No one seems to be yearning for a strong person. No one I've met at least. Just makes you wonder, if I did it all again in exact opposite, will he appear? Or will I be happy?

- Turned 21 on the 15th of August and still starry-eyed. xx

Langkawi 2012, Saturday night. 

singing for the moment .

I was taught to bring my hands together in front of my chest and chant a prayer, or two.
I never questioned why but i remember at the age of 13, my friend told me that we're living inside a certain God's stomach, was it? That's the first time I said to myself, "This is bullshit."

It's my 21st birthday today and I'm happy for the cakes, presents & love that I've been(and yet to be) showered with.

Everything seems to be going on fine but this thing that my mom is doing......
The need to bring me to a temple for 'blessings' of some sort.
Even after telling her that I do not believe?
She insists of taking me to temples and centres to show me how beautiful it is and how the people are.

Mindless, brainless, people.
That amaze me, they definitely do.
If you're one of those who are able to believe in some invisible, higher power without seeing it with your own eyes, then I tip my invisible hat off to you.
I don't think I am privileged enough.

I've been to numerous classes.
Preached to in different ways and of different religions too.

I've never been at peace with it.
Praying, believing.

When they make me pray,
I feel nothing.
I feel no fear, no joy.
Dead.
Is that what praying/believing is supposed to make me feel?
Am I supposed to just keep on pretending for their sakes, to make them happy?
How long is one to keep that facade up?

People have been praying for centuries long and where have that brought us?
A land of neverending sunshine, rainbows, angels flying around us with their harps?
I prayed once too.
I believed once too.
I was not protected from the evils of the world.

Then they told me keep praying, it'll give you the strength to endure the evils.
If I pray and I'll still be hurt, and if I don't and the same happens, what does it do?
I decided to just believe in myself as at the end of the day, I can pray to the invisible "deities" all I want, but what good does that do me, when I do not have the courage to get out of bed every single day?

Pray, God is always there for you.
To hell with that.
I AM ALWAYS THERE FOR MYSELF.
Not you, not him, not her, not them, but ME.

How is that vanity?
That's being a realist.

So tell me then you theists-
is God omnipotent, but unwilling?
is God the epitome of benevolence but then unable?

If we can't appreciate the good without the bad, will you trade places with those who are literally dreading being alive?
For the hunger is so immense their mind and soul are drained out of their body.
For the hurt is inexhaustible that every second of being alive is nothing but torture of the purest of forms
Has God, the almighty, the saint, the everything good incarnate, forsaken them then?

I'm sorry but I refuse to believe.
I simply will not let myself believe that my life is predetermined by some "thing" and every action, thought, emotion that I have is all mapped out by "God".

My life will not be any better if I believed.
By me opting not to believe I'm sure "God" has nothing to lose as well.

To any one who is reading this right now, I'm not here trying to tell you why YOU shouldn't believe. I'm telling you why I don't believe. Big difference there.

Just wish the world would realize that it is more than just alright to take the credit yourself.
You got what you wanted by your own hard work and effort? Go, you! I'm definitely proud of you!

xx

stranger .

What I miss most at this very present, very precious minute will be the electricity zapping at the ends of my neurons setting them off in all sorts of directions causing my heart to race, my breath to be short, my mind to lose its ability to focus, my voice to lose all desire to be heard and my knees to not want to keep me upright any longer. Yes, that I miss.







i am weakened.

i went back to my ways;

bled a heart out. xx