random ramblings

“When people ask me why it’s so hard for me to trust others, I ask them why it’s so hard to keep a promise.”

as you saw me tore
leaving you and me
just a memory-

"Was love catching, like a common cold? Or was it more like a virus that afflicted a person gradually, until the unsuspecting individual was sick with love, consumed by it, riddled by its aftereffects?

— Alice Hoffman, The Propable Future

"Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart.

— Yann Martel, Life of Pi

so i screwed up,
but someday i would make it up to you,
hopefully by then it wouldn't be too late?

"Sometimes I think I am out of my league, and then sometimes I think I can dream. Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish that you choose out of all in the sea.

— Hellogoodbye

'Was I ever truly over him? At one time I was sure that the answer was yes. But if seeing him again- and merely touching his hand- could peel back so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him the way you’re supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you’re with?

— Emily Giffin, Love the One You’re With

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

“Cared too much before to give a fuck now.”


so i read this somewhere ;

how do you deal with shit?
alcohol
what if you're broke?
sex

so true <3 <3 <3 i need sex? just before zoe gets back it sucks that i have the room and no one. and well i do have some alcohol but oh my fuck ranjie you need to study. for the past one-two weeks you've been stoned, wasted or plain lazying around. WTF!

"How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise"

please don't leave me . xxx

not again >.<

it's been 2 nights since we have broken up.
i thought i was fine that i was doing the right thing-

little did i know.

see i sat down and reflected upon why i wanted to be with him in the first place and everything came back to me. by then it was a little too late because i had already uttered the words that i told myself repeatedly to never say as you know how badly it would hurt..

ranjie darling is such a dumbass.

i, self destructed yet again.

see i allowed myself to listen to people. the same people i despise. and i forgot to do what i always do, talk to him after that.

but what pissed me off is he couldn't even believe me when i said his friend came on to me you know? guys are pigs. most guys are pigs. the way he came on to me just disgusted me and sent chills down my spines and flashes from my past appeared right in front of my eyes.

the only problem is i didn't have my knife. fuck i need it badly.

i told myself if i were to be in that situation again i would have slashed him or some shit.
i didn't. i couldn't. but i did say no.
and i'm proud that i did do that.



to know that he wouldn't believe me? that crushed me.

and he said when i went on that date it crushed him.
i just wanted to get back at him. like allow him to sulk and hopefully have an epiphany that he want me all to himself and if he wants me he should give him.


at this point i've no clue as to what to do while i give the world the smile i had always, have always and will always show, a melancholic smile. hopefully somewhere along the way someone would actually realise ranjie darling isn't happy. and someone would take my breath away.
and i wouldn't have to wake up every morning and face this cruel, ugly pathetic world.


seeing him hurts-
knowing i can't touch him hurts-
the fact keeps lingering that once i was with that guy, who was amazing to my eyes-


i wanted to be the first person for him.
the first person that would go " No, he isn't just an empty lusty human. he is a being who is capable of showing love, compassion and everything nice that comes with it to one woman he picks. with that he would've stopped treating the woman kind wrongly. "

little did i know i lost myself along the way.
where is that ranjie who would cry only on her own and never in front of people.
who is this whiny pathetic bitch.
i need the old me.
have i given up myself in order for a fight for a so called good cause?

i've absolutely no fucking idea.

is this love?
perhaps.
love does happen. xxx

i feel like crying. and stabbing me.

just one stab and see the blood gushing out. together with the pain i'm feeling. it will all just flow out. slowly. painless in the end xx

i said goodbye. .

but i really wish i didn't.

with every second since i said we should break up i've been dying to call him back and say i'm sorry i didn't mean it.

i just wish he wud go like no i love you be with me.

instead he said yeah okay.

dear ashraf,

you said you jumped through every hoop i asked you to.

maybe you didn't. maybe it wasn't enough for me.

i miss you quite terribly now. it's going to suck to be seeing you and not being able to talk to you. it's gonna suck to not to be able to hang out with you anymore. or take walks with you anymore.

i don't know which kills me more. to be with you or be without you. but i guess i have to find out. and hopefully i would last you know.

i love you.

i loved you.

but when i heard what you said to your friends about me.

i was like wow i'm just a thing you got and now you want to toss?

so i beat you to the punch.

i just wished you loved me the way you loved her.

i wished you showed me more of you instead of hiding you away or anything.

i told myself i would wait till tarun leaves to see whether wud things be okay again but i didn't have the strength. so help me. you're making it sound like you don't know why i broke up with you. i think you do. if you don't then you must be damn oblivious. or insensitive.

i miss you.

how long have i been in this storm?

14 hours and counting.

wow i suck balls.

I think I'm better off without this
I think I'm better off when I can't see your face
Who's taking my place?
It's been an hour since you left me
Just sixty minutes, and I am sure I'm fine
Just watchin' the time…

i just wish you would call me and say i need you back in my life ranjie but apparently i need to stop living in this fantasy world cause i know you wud never ever do that. i wud be the one running back to you.

fuck this shit i'm tired xxx

i read her email again.

it hurts but i need a reminder. =/ xx

it's amazing how 7 days can change everything.

"sometimes the past is something you just can't let go off.
and sometimes the past is something you'd do anything to forget.
and sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present. "

" all i need is this moment, in my mind i would recreate "

"this silence isn't so bad. .
till i look at my hands and feel sad.
because the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perferctly <3 "


6th december 09
- we took a break? i don't know sort of.

the following days
we've been hanging. talking crying being mad but still wanting to hang with each other.
it's weird. we weren't supposedly together but we were together. but we couldn't decide. hardest few days. but with all the happenings that has been taking place, it made things easier, on me at least. the gang is amazingly funny.

i love my old friends but it's nice not being the spoilt weird ass slut just for once.
everyone here smokes drinks and smoke up and have sex. i feel like an angel for once =]
which is nice because you feel like you belong. that's all i have been looking for the whole while long. somewhere i belong with people who doesn't make me feel like i shouldn't be who i really am.

it's just hard to explain. i love everyone i have and i'm grateful for every person in my life.

a lot of things took place =] like drinking everynight hanging out every night and somehow still finding the stamina to get up and smile and face the world while anticipating for the night again. gosh the flutters just knowing you're gonna hang . .

i can't really describe it but i'm trying.

i'm just happy with how things are at the moment i guess.
it's just what i pictured i would be.

except the bitchy roommie.




if only every second of our time spent together were recorded.
i long for the world to see how much fun i'm having.
i just hope it wouldn't end. =/


everything has it's way of ending.
as much as i wouldn't want to think about it i know i got to be prepared. .
i'm not going to let myself be hurt again.
to be hurt at the most unexpected moment.
i wanna expect shit all the time.


i wonder where my incorporated sister is? she's been missing for such a long time i miss her but i can't help wonder whether is the feeling mutual. .
i'm sorry i'm like that of an insecure person. you should already get me by now as you're the only one who acknowledges the mere existence of my blog =]




the international night was fun and eventful.
he dances, well =]

sometimes i feel like i'm not good enough for him.
i feel like i'm restraining him. ugh.
but i love him dearly <3

he makes me wanna be no one else but me. xxx

mood swings are bitches

to my dear bf whom i have been ranting about a lot for quite sometime,

i love you. and uhm i guess i'm sorry. mood swings happens i guess. blame the pills >.>

i used to like getting mad at you for fun sakes wishing you'd console me for cute sakes.

but we ended up really arguing so yeah that has gotta stop right?

i miss you.

and your hands.

and your kisses.

i hope to see you tmrw.

i'm still trying to ease up.

it's not fair i feel like a burden to you.

and i feel unlike me.

so 3 more nights to go before i tell you somethings.

and i'm waiting because i could go like " HAH! i kept quiet for ONE ENTIRE WEEK " =]

you'd still love me. mwahh xx

recomposing ranjie

nothing works out to my tune.

so it's just me who has gots to stop hoping.

so i wouldn't be disappointed as much.

i'm going to try a new thing ; to live without any expectations.

and i'm a full time dreamer so good luck to me! =] x

holy fuck~

" you wanna know how i could do such terrible things?"

" oh i know that stuff. unhappy childhood, sexually abused by a close relative, cutting or some other self-abuse, self-medicating, self-loathing, blah blah. everyone you ever met made you feel ashamed, ashamed of that ugly darkness festering inside you. "

" but i'm as sane and as healthy as can be "

that was from the mentalist. and WOW WHAT THE FUCK i might actually turn into her someday. being a serial killer or his/her's assistant. freaky~ xx

my happy ending?

everybody seems so contented so happy so blissful with how their lives have turned out to be.

except me.

i'm stuck in this whirlpool of depression that i could never seem to get out of.

i'm not ranjie when i'm around you.

and that hurts like a thousand icicles piercing my heart.

i don't want to change my ideas for your convenience..

this is not how i see myself being in love~

this love is taking it's toll on me?

i wish i weren't afraid of losing you. . .

at least in that way,

i would never lose that one person that had always, have always and would always stay with me ; ME.

rescue me..

she got herself facebook! I'm so proud of you *sobs*

I'm so bored.. I think i sorta did okie in my mqa subjects. Grats you =] Hopefully there is no repeating next semester..

I told him i don't want to be his number one.. When those words came out of my mouth i was surprised..then i realised i would never be so why bother demanding for it..

He makes me so happy yet at times it hurts so bad..how long do i want to endure this i've no idea.. I try to distant myself, just to make you happy..our ideas of relationship are worlds apart yet i wanna be with you. Why? "it beats the shit outta me" ..

I just wanna feel loved every second of the day..is that too much to ask for? It sucks how i have to ease up for him but he can't 'tighten' up for me.. I heard his explanation i did that's the reason why i bother trying but ... I just feel so broken and empty on the inside.. This is not how i should be feeling i know which is weird.. I just want to curl up and cry. I don't want to wake up and face this cruel world anymore. It just kills me. It eats my happiness little by little, and not like i'm that happy in the first place anyway..

Rescue me. I just wanna breathe.. Euthanasia has like such a nice ring to it.. Help me anybody?

I'm reaching out while my heads underwater and i struggle and i struggle hard but no one is there.. No one took my hand.. No one tried.. Why is that so? Maybe it's meant for me to realise i'm all alone and i have no reason to keep on breathing anymore..

Those who are dead are not dead they're just living in your head.

So i should go away..all in search of me, of someone who loves me, and somewhere i belong..

The only question that's left unanswered is, would i do it or would i not..

I wish it were that simple.. Xx

i can only take so much-

today is. . . Quiet my town. . It's too quiet. . . . I've been reaching out and nobody was there. Loneliness is the only thing so constant with me. People and their so-called affection are not. . Xx

From right to wrong, back to right to wrong again . .

"I tried to make you see, that you were all I need
I'd change my ways for you our lives spoke only truth
In time you'd make me see that you were there for me
I'd give my life for you. I'd give my best for you."

i'm selfish.

even when the people around me are hurting i put myself first in most situations.

i demand for attention, even when they should be the one in the spotlight i feel hurt if i don't get it.

i fear people not putting me first, because it means i don't matter as much. my presence would simply be a tittle in this world. i can just slip away and die and it wouldn't be felt as much.

maybe that fear of mine is why i am always seeking to be someone's number one, why do i love and bask in strangers' attention even when it's not healthy.

i need to get what i want. reasons as per above applies.

Well it's hard to explain but I'll try if you let me
Well it's hard to sustain
I'll cry if you let me
This doesn't change the way I feel about you or your place in my life
Can't you see I'm dying here?
A shot of broken heart that is chased with fear

I can't eat and I can't breathe
I wouldn't want it any other way

My heart burns through
My chest to the floor
Tearing me silently although abruptly
Words can't hide as I'm taking you home
And I tried to see
Tried to understand your words as I'm taking you home

i really need to find a place for me. i'm experimenting.

what do i really mean by a place for me?

a place where people would treat me how i wish they would without me telling them how to.

a place where people do treat me as equally as i treat and think of them.

you seem really happy. i'm happy for you. i just wish we wouldn't have this bridge of unspoken words between us. you changed me. looking back i was not the same person i was and i don't think i can ever go back to being her again. i don't even know this new me. who am i? now that's a question i'm going to puzzle my mind with till the day i die. =]

ranjie darling over and out xx

CONSCIENCE - you mean the thing that kicks in when there's no logical reason to behave the way people want you to? x

50th post

his kiss is the world and all the stars above.

I'm such a messy knot. Simplify me..

His organs are shutting down one by one....and it seems like just yesterday we were laughing and he telling me how evergreen he is. Why do people leave me? Why do people leave people? Must it be such? Will the world still spin and twirl when he has left? The worst part of having to say goodbye is finding the right words to say to others who would be losing him too. Death is so final. No wonder it's so morbid.

Physics was crap. Why do i hate people making promises and breaking them? Because it means you don't mean it. Doesn't that mean i don't mean as much to you as well? I wish i can put my heart on lockdown mode.



I just want to stab me. And let tears pour out of my eyes and mix with the blood gushing out. And taste that. Taste the sorrow the madness the chaos that resulted in such a pretty bloody sight.

Delay the pain for now, says Kaylee. Xxxx

i can't quite bid goodbye yet. If only i knew why..exams tmrw and i'm no where near completing my revision which sucks balls. If you happen to read this in time before our papers tmrw dear kaylee i'm so sorry i couldn't help you with maths. At this point i need some saving myself. I'll make it up to you after the exams. Money's tight so i can't call but more the reason for you to switch to digi =] love you and do mr.david proud! Haha. What does the rain signify? Different people have different interpretations. I wonder what mine is.. XX

at times, it kills me to be around you. Around people. People disappoint all the time. They're not random and their moves are so anticipated. Which is depressing because i anticipate the worst and that takes place..people live up to my worst expectations, am i supposed to be happy or sad about that? It kills me that they don't get me, my feelings but i do get them. Self-consolation is the only way i've been staying alive and sane all these years..what would i to do if one day i just wake up and decide that i can't take anymore of anything..would i still want to be a part of this world? Perhaps there is some place far more amazing for me. Perhaps a coma..people say the ones in a comatose condition are happy in their head. Now that's a dangerous thought right there. "Same shit different day" -ranjie, i long to belong xx

being psychic runs in the darling family. or perhaps it's just we're amazing and awesome like that we anticipate each other's next move? hehehe x

sometimes.

sometimes, i wish i would just forget to breathe.



weirdly enough it happens. maybe i want it to? i actually need to have the thought to breathe on several occasions. am i that suicidal including subconsciously?

there is nothing like inflicting pain on you. when the world caves in on you. and you have no where else to go. nothing else to do. smoking helps but you want the pain. so you cut. you try to cut deep but you're not looking for attention. i'm not. i just want to feel alive. to know that this i reality. this is life. pain is life. i'm alive. xx

maybe this is where everything leads to..

i hate my brain.


why do people say that thoughts are from your brains? i don't really like how it sounds i mean thoughts could be from your heart?

well IF thoughts are from your brain, i hate my brain.
i hate my thoughts.

they torture me.
abuse me in fact.
all for nothingness.

my thoughts wander a long and lonely road. o.O
my thoughts are scary and my thought leads to me hating.

hate me, blue october.

i love that song.

it means a lot.

to write love on her arms, hawthorne heights.

maybe i did find the guy who would want to write love on my arms. the knife is not that necessary anymore. because he fulfills the vacant space that used to give me aches.

baby,

this is my first post about you.
if you're missing me. good =]
because you've no idea how much i miss you.


hazy, rosy golan.

i dedicate that song to you.

if i forgot who i am, would you remind me?
that song is beautiful and i really enjoy being with you.
i like laughing. =]


~*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*~

the next part of this post goes to my new sister. =]
i have officially incorporated her to my family, the Darlings.

Ranjie Darling has just found herself a sister =] =] =]

Kaylee Darling, you're so cute and you make me feel good about myself. Like i'm not alone out here and my thoughts are not that creepy and scary. You help me find answers and i like that.


That same little birdie is still telling me that he thinks a certain sister of mine should get facebook.


heheheeh.
i love you both.

mwah mwah

xxxxxxx

i'm happy. yet i can't stop emo-ing

" The only thing i have to do in life is die.


Everything else is a choice with consequences




- including breathing.

do you mind a question?

the ones we have lost. . .

do you think they know how we feel?

how sorry we are?

how we wish things could have been different?

do you think they would understand?

how is one to go finding the answers... xx

a message for wern yi

a little birdie told me a certain someone should get facebook and stop stalking another certain person's blog as it may ruin the fun of posting when that certain person feels like posting something worth posting =] x

this should be true. .

" Damaged people are dangerous.

they know they will survive "

—all the messy stuff that gets to the heart of what it means to be human.

“The human species was given dominion over the earth and took the opportunity to exterminate other species and warm the atmosphere and generally ruin things in its own image, but it paid the price for the privileges: that the finite and specific animal body of this species contained a brain capable of conceiving the infinite and wishing to be infinite itself.”

some things are not meant to be done. Some things are not meant to be said. Some things should be forgotten. __ but this pain i feel is so deep. Intense. Dying. A congrats is in order but i can't bring myself to say it. I'm hated by all. From insects to people. What's my raison d'etre? I lost one and i can seem to find another yet totally give up on the former. What am i worth? Apparently i'm that despicable. I wish i were perfect. So i wouldn't have to ponder about the mistakes i've done and the ways i'm to ammend them. I wish i were perfect so people wouldn't leave my side. I wish i were so damn perfect i wouldn't have thoughts and emotions that gets me sidetracked. I wish i were perfect so i would know who i am from day one. The rain falls on and it goes. Yet my tears flows constantly and with every drop of tear shed is a wish. A wish to turn back time. A wish to be loved. A wish to be needed. A wish to be wanted. A wish to be cuddled. A wish to be forgived. A wish to erase memories. A wish to wipe away all my mistakes. A wish never to regret again. If you weren't who you were then you wouldn't be who you are. But what if you despise who you are. I long for the day where i'd wake up not hating myself. __ kudos to you. Perhaps it was never meant to be at all. Afterall, who am i to anybody anyway? A mere passing cloud, a stepping stone, a practice dummy for something far far greater than i would ever be. Xx

"it's pointless in the end,

because all the worrying..

and all the making of plans for things that could and could not happen..

it only makes things worse.

xx

updates!

the first thing on my agenda is to welcome the only other person besides myself who acknowledges the mere existence of my thoughts and what not. Wern yi, i welcome you whole heartedly. Hehe. The text i got after you've read it made me cry. Yes as you can see i'm emotionally whacky. So now that i'm stripped all the way to the bone, when's my turn to read yours? *winks* __ i wonder how many lightyears has it been since i last had something worth mentioning. Mr.david, my maths sir and my new found awesome friend, wern yi motivates me even more to just expand my knowledge for the passion of it. Allegedly, the universe is constantly expanding. I would only be in sync with it if and only if i keep expanding too, not in a physical way though. __ if his life is worth nothing, is mine supposed to be equivalent to the existence of a worker ant? __ it's 6ish in the morning hence the crapping __ i have a stalker now. Haha. Nyt nyt x

so called dad's recent remark.

to my brother.

"to hell with her. why do you want to follow her?"

lalalalala~

dad

everything is great.


is it?

why do i feel like i'm slipping into a depression mode again.

i just wanna be thin.
and accepted by my own people.

is that too much to ask for? x

terence's.

i give up. the colors are slowly bleaching out of my soul x

and after crying and crying ;

2 years meant nothing to him =]

and i'm crying. i should just die already.

i'm ranting patheticly. why is it so hard. help me out here. please. please please please. i don't know what i want from you. i don't know who am i anymore. what am i doing. things just suck.. x

mia's about me.

don't ask me why,

i just can't say goodbye.

i whine.

Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart.

"everything comes with a price. you can have the man of your dreams, but only for a few years. you can have the perfect family, but it turns out to be an illusion "


and this is sort of true isn't it. i mean i used to be so jealous of one of my friends for having the "perfect" family and she still does except it has a hole. her dad had an affair. another friend's parents argue all the time except they didn't get a divorce.

they just bonded . with their family. probably closing an eye.

am i doing that? would that make me a happier person? i have no idea. don't think i would wanna live a lie though. so tired of pretending to be this happy, bubbly person. who am i really? i can sit for hours and just cry. hating the world. hating myself.

sometimes all i can ask is what have i done so wrongfully that i don't deserve a lot of happiness.

i'm gonna be a whiner and complain.
i came up with the idea of throwing a picnic, they did it behind my back.
i came up with the idea of going to perak to visit, they did it behind my back.

what are they so afraid of. i mean i should be so damn used to this as it keeps happening over and over again. which brings me to this question. what are true friends? what are true friends made of? i wish i knew. i mean i have more friends but i scare myself knowing i don't have that one person to call whenever i want.


" in the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. it's the difference between the path you walk and one you leave behind ; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are ; it's the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future. "

oh how much truth can be explained is just a few words and sentences.











i'm tired. exhausted.
no he didn't give me the only present i desire so i guess this really is goodbye. there is no more hope of getting back with him hence i should start piecing back myself. little by little, i would get there. i want to get back in there. so well that explains the number of crushes i found myself having in just 3 days. good times i guess =]


ranjie darling over and out xx

boo boo .

so well the birthday came and it passed.

was it amazing? yes and no.

was it what i expected it to be? no.

did i cry? yes.

did i enjoy myself? yes and no.

do i expect too much ?? always.

do i get disappointed? all the time.

~18 year old ranjie.

"wake up, I'm trying to show you
I wanna come clean
you mean more than you should mean
but I'm willing to be

the one that you put on a pedestal
the one that you see in your dreams
the one that you hide your true self from
the one you want to please


and I know that it's wrong to want something
so false and so fake
it's not that I want to fix you
I just want to get my way

cause you're the one that I put on a pedestal
the one who keeps coming back to me
the one that I gave my whole heart to
the one who makes me believe

I want a love that's side by side
I want a love that holds me tight
I want a love that feels like a dream
but when I wake up, he's still there with me

so put me up on a pedestal
give me everything I need
but give it to me so completely
that there will be no more wishing
no more wishing
no more wishing
no more wishing "

another one by hayley taylor , no more wishing =]

my birthday is like next weeeeeek! nervousness is building up inside me. what should i be expecting? and what should i not? ohhhhhhh the torture =/ xxxx

a trip down memory lane.

a trip down memory lane.
a trip i should have known better than to take when i'm not ready yet.

"people say some fucked up shit when they are mad"


your words. would this mean whatever you have said in the past few months are not true? because you're mad? our birthday's are coming and there is only one thing on my mind...


would he wish me happy birthday and give me the only gift i desire?

the only thing i desire, the only thing i want, the only thing i need, the only thing i crave for most in this entire world.


a chance to be with you again.

yes apparently ranjie is that pathetic that she can't live without the man she love.

all the strong independent woman out there would probably despise me for being a wimpy-ish person.

dooooooooooooooooode. i miss you. where are you? you said you would never leave and now i find myself all alone. you said move on but where am i to go? my world has known you and only you. you left me upside down, inside out and i'm stuck in this abyss of missing you. how evil else can you get? don't you miss me? i thought we were made for each other and well yeah i screwed up. badly. very very badly. and i'm sorry and i want to work things out. is that too much to ask for? xxx

perhaps this is the exact truth. just in two lines..

" i've been trying to blame you

and I can't take watching you slip away "

-waking by hayley taylor

making up seems to be so easy on the media, if only we could make up too. =/

i'm a sucker without you. grr! why am i so needy..especially for you?

~3.39am on a sunday morning

love,

ranjie x

doooooooode.

i hate coming online.

i'm reminded of you so much.

it just hurts so bad.

just when i thought i was healing i seem to be bleeding all over again..

stab my heart. stab me deep. x

life's a bitch.


big whoop.

everybody is a whiner.


xxxxxxx

"NO"

the big "NO" ....

why do i always have a problem saying it. do i want to please people and not lose any friends that much? i should just kill myself. ugh. why do i do this to myself? if only i knew the answer. perform an action yet mutilate my brains or thoughts.


my day started out so bad. 6/14 for my physics test. WTF! i'm so not smart. i know i need to buck up and shit but i thought i was getting gradually better. apparently not eyh?


16 days to my birthday. parties and presents wanted. xxxx

junk email

after such a long time, i'm finally posting on my blog..

i'm one to check my junk mails. and i got one just recently titled "sometimes"

intrigued, i opened it and there was no ad, no pictures, no music, no links, no attachment of any sort. there was just one line "My contempt responds in the wolf."

and i can't help but to wonder..what on bloody earth does it mean? haha.

it has a nice ring to it but i'm so clueless as to what it means. maybe i should actually reply to the sender, although it's supposedly junk.. just afraid i guess. i don't really know.

at least i've something to ponder over now.

starting college. moving into the student house. loneliness still lingers around me.the life i pictured i would have and the life that i am leading have vast differences. if only i knew why.


sometimes, my cigarette stick is truly my best friend.
_no judgement, no questions, no answers, no avoiding._


it's always there. providing me solace. in many ways.

life is so unpredictable. if only i could find a glitch in time and warp backwards. oh the things i would do for it.

i don't even let people know i have a blog. weird isn't it? i guess i just would like to rant and not be judged by people. people whom i love and people whom i don't know. sometimes my insight scares me. i have always been mad and pissed at the world for i can't find that one person who truly understands me but maybe even i don't understand myself.


blah. on a happier note, my birthday is in 17 days!
i really wish someone would get me a laptop. i need one.
i love birthdays. i really would want my 18th to my an amazing one. a happy one.

off to class now.

love,
ranjie xXx

p/s: my contempt responds in the wolf =] oh and i created a new word. hinching. i have no idea what it means i just blurted it out. sounds cool. hinching. i just need to define it i guess. xxx

july..

college is amazing.

you're not.

why can't i stop dreaming about you?

everyone is getting back together.

except me and you.

do i suck that badly?

gah. i'm tired.

so well yeah. may you be blessed with every step you're to take. x

i laid in bed for 5 hours last night.

and i couldn't fall asleep.

which once again, gave me time to think..

i spent most of my life hating and being miserable..i can't seem to let go of my grudges..i want the whole world to know exactly what i want..i'm stubborn..i try to get everything my way tailored to my needs and my desires only. i do realise that.

but what hit me last night was, my happiness was gained through someone's misery..

i finally fell asleep and woke up 5 hours later..

woke up the wrong side of bed i suppose? i was feeling angry at how everything is.

the world seems to twirl around as it has been doing for the past billions of ages ago but the people seems to be changing. or are they?

why are things the way they are?

can't i do anything to change the world.

all i want is positive happiness in every being.

maybe it is truly too much to ask for...

i sat down at the computer once i'm up trying to make sense of my life.

got mad at my grandmother who kept asking me to do something, because in my world, it's wrong timing even if i do enjoy lending a hand in the kitchen. i'm a bitch aren't i?

she kept asking me about my college and the cost and my plans and i did answer her but not much. was still feeling groggy and pissy. 10 minutes later she hands me this wad of cash. rm5000. to cover my first semester expenses. and i'm speechless.

i cried. * alone of course *

on my education topic i can't seem to get what i want, which makes me feel like i've no sense of direction whatsoever.

and it took me awhile to realise that if only i didn't dream too much, if only i didn't expect too much, i wouldn't be a constant depressed like person.

but would that kill me?

i'm rambling. even i do not get me.

the new famous saying eyh? FML.

this world i live in,

this world i know,

this world i despise,

is full of haters, creeps, users, such and such.

where did all the nice people go. .

the ones that i loved, i had to let go.

the ones that i want, i just couldn't get.

people make you who you are. must living be hard?

people intrigue me.

maybe i should be taking up psychology in uni den. ;]

him.

we have been together for 2 years and he decided we should go separate ways now.

after a month of craving and crying for him. i just realised i've become one of those annoying, weepish girls that i used to get annoyed at. love indeed sweeps your feet. and you fall down hard too. i'm picking myself up. on the matter of loving again, not now indefinitely.

" the first cut is the deepest"

-sheryl crow.

i love you. i guess you loved me. and i should be grateful for that. and i hope in good time i would stop " needing " you to die. 

love,

ranjie x

" i feel like i have a constant dagger in my heart. "

when i'm having the worst time in my life or when i'm feeling the blues, i simply have no one to call.

i'm surrounded by a sea of people whom i call friends and family. but in the end of the day, there isn't a person i can rely on..

friends, don't go behind your back and see each other and pretend nothing of it.

and they say they're too busy.

family members, don't ask you to tell your problem and make light or fun of it because it isn't important.

lover, isn't supposed to swear they would never leave you no matter what but dump you at the worst possible moment.

why does everything seem so impossible to me. why do i keep falling back into this abyss. everytime i thought i climbed out i simply seem to be getting sucked back in..

i hate the world.

i hate living.

i just want to die.

stab me.

stab me deep.

stab me over and over and over again.

stab me dead.

i beg of you.

I want a box around myself
So they can put me on the shelf
To see the way I live
But the holes are blocked
By everybody else inside
As far as I can tell
They're all living well
Living better, still
Oh, that's the way it is
Climbing up the corporate ladder
Trying to escape through the roof

Can you explain lives led in vain?
It seems like everybody's looking for their way out

It's not a problem, it's hell
We only do what people tell
But can you tell me, anyone
The consequences of setting someone free?

Can you explain lives led in vain?
It seems like everybody's looking for their way out

Have you ever felt the pinch
When you life's confined?
Well, get your ass in line
It's hard not to care what they say
I'd like to think we'll break away
I don't believe that growing up
Means cashing out and giving up

Can you explain lives led in vain?
It seems like everybody's looking for their way out

This box contains just one thing
The fact that I will probably never find a way

Can't you help me fade out?
You know that everybody's looking for their way out 

somehow, i can't express my feelings by myself. songs, poems, movies, etc. i truly connect with em. sadly i'm not authentic, eyh?

"Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.

i guess i do miss him. i just can't go back to him. love hurts. 

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

relationships..

have you ever wondered what would it be like when you leave this world?

who would miss you?

who would shed their tears for you?

who would cry their hearts out?

who would still reminisce about you?

who would constantly have the urge to call you but then get hits in the face realising you're gone?

who would have wanted to make ammends with you?

who would wish really hard they had treated you better? 

i don't know who my people are..who is in my world..who is just using me..who is backstabbing me..who truly loves me..loads of whos..how can you tell for sure? i always tell people how much i love them or care for them because i truly do and i wouldn't want them to leave/me to leave this world not knowing..i would be sad..devastated..

somehow, just somehow, i'm not very likeable..as in people don't make an effort to chase me. i chase after everyone. and i always end up getting hurt. yet i go back to them.

why do i do that? i wish i knew. i wish i were loved. 

"I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is a way, that I say I need You"

- switchfoot ; learning to breathe

i suck at blogging =] 

don't send me to bed just yet.

i always have trouble sleeping.

my mind wanders about, 

my legs fiddle with my blankie, 

my left thumb in my mouth, 

my right subtly going to my phone.

and i just tend to look at my phone, 

wondering what should i do?

i've no one to call. 

no one to text.

i pretty much shut everyone out.

doubt every person who tried being close to me.

didn't bother sharing as much, 

etc.

and it all resulted in solitude.

pure, fucking, solitude. 

who am i to turn to? 

i wish i knew.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. 

-robert frost.

where is home?

home ; 

this word is supposed to give a person this sense of belonging, being loved, security, peace and serenity. 

where is my home?

i come back "home" everyday not feeling like a part of a family. what is so wrong with me? 

am i loveD? i think i am. 

am i being ungrateful for not loving "home" ? i think i am.

there is much more to home than bricks, cements, paint, tiles, windows, etc. 

you're supposed to want to always come back to this one place no matter what time, what day.

where do i want to go? nowhere. 

where is my home? i don't know.

maybe someday i would call someplace home. 

if only..

" if only my heart stopped beating, all my pains would dissipate away "

random.

isn't it weird how the people who you are supposed to love unconditionally gets you pissed the most? maybe it's because they have been a disappointment to you..

but that wouldn't be fair to say because they have supported you throughout the years you've been alive..no?

why is it so hard to get things done the way you want them to be? if everyone could do it wouldn't the world be a much happier place?

" i want to move forward, but i'm stuck in rewind "

it holds true to me. i try my best to look on the brighter side, live for tomorrow.

yet i seem to be stuck in this massive blackhole..gasping for air, for freedom..

help me HELP me..

kickoff

i don't even understand humans, why bother trying to comprehend god?