not again >.<

it's been 2 nights since we have broken up.
i thought i was fine that i was doing the right thing-

little did i know.

see i sat down and reflected upon why i wanted to be with him in the first place and everything came back to me. by then it was a little too late because i had already uttered the words that i told myself repeatedly to never say as you know how badly it would hurt..

ranjie darling is such a dumbass.

i, self destructed yet again.

see i allowed myself to listen to people. the same people i despise. and i forgot to do what i always do, talk to him after that.

but what pissed me off is he couldn't even believe me when i said his friend came on to me you know? guys are pigs. most guys are pigs. the way he came on to me just disgusted me and sent chills down my spines and flashes from my past appeared right in front of my eyes.

the only problem is i didn't have my knife. fuck i need it badly.

i told myself if i were to be in that situation again i would have slashed him or some shit.
i didn't. i couldn't. but i did say no.
and i'm proud that i did do that.



to know that he wouldn't believe me? that crushed me.

and he said when i went on that date it crushed him.
i just wanted to get back at him. like allow him to sulk and hopefully have an epiphany that he want me all to himself and if he wants me he should give him.


at this point i've no clue as to what to do while i give the world the smile i had always, have always and will always show, a melancholic smile. hopefully somewhere along the way someone would actually realise ranjie darling isn't happy. and someone would take my breath away.
and i wouldn't have to wake up every morning and face this cruel, ugly pathetic world.


seeing him hurts-
knowing i can't touch him hurts-
the fact keeps lingering that once i was with that guy, who was amazing to my eyes-


i wanted to be the first person for him.
the first person that would go " No, he isn't just an empty lusty human. he is a being who is capable of showing love, compassion and everything nice that comes with it to one woman he picks. with that he would've stopped treating the woman kind wrongly. "

little did i know i lost myself along the way.
where is that ranjie who would cry only on her own and never in front of people.
who is this whiny pathetic bitch.
i need the old me.
have i given up myself in order for a fight for a so called good cause?

i've absolutely no fucking idea.

is this love?
perhaps.
love does happen. xxx