a buddhist saying

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the only one getting burned.

and i was sort of mad today. and i came back. and i watched madea goes to jail? and it's such a good movie like wow i'm so inspired.

i don't want to be angry at the whole world.

and i'm tired of potraying this weak, unhappy girl that someone would feel sorry for me and rescue me or some shit. because i know that's so not going to happen. i've been practicing that for such a long time and the results are indisputable. so here i am, saying-

beginning from today, 1st of march of 2010, i'm going to try and be stronger.

i'm going to forgive everyone who had hurt me and have been hurting me. i'm not going to let them get to me anymore. see life sucks, and it's my choice how i'm going to manage it to let it work out in the way i want it. so yeah, it's definitely going to be a struggle to stop cutting myself, and to stop blogging as much about how much pain i feel and crying and keep returning to the people who hurt me. but i know i very much need a twist, and only i can give my life a twist.

i know i'm going to survive.

perhaps one day i can face the world without any hatred in me.

perhaps i can look at people who had hurt me and smile.

smile without hurting my insides.

so yeah,

truly,

i need to change who i am.

because i know i can be so much better than this.

if i want to stop feeling pain, i need to learn how to let go.

love,

ranjie darling

xx