another one joins the elmo family

i saw him yesterday.

i didn't even utter a single word.

and tears instantly brimmed my eyes as soon as i turned my back towards him.

anguish consumes me.

i've never felt so alone before.

yeah i do a few amazing friends whom i know i could call anytime but i don't because i'm a hopeless romantic who just wants a man to shelter me with his arms, his love and his kind words.

mommy,

you not speaking to me is hurting me.

i've failed you in every way

and what hurts is knowing i'll never be good enough to your eyes.

you've another family too.

me dying in a tragic car crash would be far more honourable than me deemed as a failure, true?

my brothers now have siblings who are of much better quality than i am.

they're apparently kind and jovial.

and they care more than me apparently.

and the father is taking her so seriously she's getting introduced to his family.

where am i left really?

i sleep every night thinking of things on my tear-stained pillow.

please,

i really need you there.

where are you?

i contemplated messaging you.

but i know you hate me.

i know you couldn't care less.

you're the only one who pried me open.

you showered me with love and affection and in you i saw my entire family.

would you please come back and rescue me?

my heavy heart is screaming for your gentle hands to come pick me up.

pick me up and hold me.

i just need to know i'm not living without a reason.

keep me in our little haven-

perhaps if i take my life away right now,

i'd be living happily in the firmament.

no more tears.

no more sorrow.

i just have a silly thought that says i'm going to be okay.

and i'm surviving on that.

i need my ciggies. x