say ♥

lately i've been reflecting a lot especially since the beginning of April . well my momma's birthday is on the 29th so yeah i bought her a card that really seemed sweet to me . But well the point of me writing this is not only because my blog has been neglected lately , but also because i suddenly had like an epiphany in the shower earlier , or well during my talk at uni earlier . at one point i felt accomplished , as if i did something and i got recognized for something . as much as i LOVE compliments and whatnot , the only thing that came to my mind was well thank my momma . since that thought entered my head really , i can't help wondering ever since the beginning of April i've been feeling so much more affection , for my mom ? and i know that's weird really either for two reasons because i'm supposed to always feel affection for my mom or because i'm not one to really share my tenets on my momma . but yeah lately i've had a lot more respect and love ? she's really something . after my entire day today , i received a series of compliments i think i spent my day well and all i wanted to do was to come home and tell my mom . i was disheartened when she was already in bed . yes , for me that is weird . i've had so much resentment and i held her accountable for many things . yes i love her but i loved her out of my obligation more than a free will really ? I KNOW THAT'S BAD . HORRIBLE as a child . this is my space to truly vent out my feelings so there i said it . lately all that took a turn i guess ? its as if i shifted to a new paradigm? i just want myself to be someone accomplished so she'd be happy because without her kids she's no one , really ? we define her . and i know i'm NOT AND NEVER WILL BE THE PERFECT DAUGHTER . a convict is still capable of humanity to some extent? i guess that applies ? just because i'm not perfect doesn't mean i can't try to make her happy? in my shower then i was just like my blog really used to be an outlet of my emotion . i'd love for anyone to stumble across it and gain insights and learn ME . but my mom makes me too . which is why i decided to dedicate a post saying that i do love her , infinitely .

this doesn't change the fact that there are days where i just get so ticked off and we argue . this doesn't change the fact that there are some days where she really gets to me and i end up going ballistic either in tears or rage . i just had to set the right picture here because since the day i started my blog , i've only addressed her , with accusing fingers . xx

dysmenorrhoea

ARGH ! every bloody month . EVERYYYYYYYY month . =S this pain is killing me >.< 

hold your tongue .

your words .
your lack of faith .
your constant need to remind me of my mistakes .
your misery .
your depression that is projected unto me .
your anger .
your unfulfilled hopes .
your shattered dreams .
your everything .

just for today , hold your tongue . this weakened soul can only deal with a certain amount of things at a moment . i love you , and you've no idea how much i'm driven to WANT to make it just for you .

hmd2011 xx

hinach yafah ? psh .

‎"People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past."




for long i've been putting up this it's okay attitude . like everything is fine and i'm fine with everything and i'm tired . TIRED , broken . they've shattered me . i've tried so hard to please . so hard to make everyone happy . taken advantage , prodded , used . i'm nothing but a washed up bitch . courage i thought i had built . indifference . FUCK ALL OF YOU REALLY LIKE THANKS FOR THE FUCKING JOYRIDE . it's as if , i was nothing but trash . mere trash . and as simple as that , as if i'm literally stupid . you're gonna pay . oh how you're all gonna pay . xx

until we bleed .

" and that night i looked up..stars! i've never seen so many of em . sky was blazing with them . dad explained, you need real dark to see stars.......but when things are really dark, as dark as they can get, you can see so much more, so many wonderful things. "

heartless ; 2009 . xx