rain .

I was happy today.
Yes, appropriate tense was used.

They never bothered hiding their "relationship" from me.
So, why does it still sting?
Pride?
Unfulfillment?
In some sick twisted way, my mind works.
What if I'm not the being I claim to be?

Christmas 2012, aren't you a memorable one.
Hands were held and in the midst of everything, this heart bellowed, released from the rock it's been pinned under, tears of joy stinging the wound. xx

stay .

I'm not his dream girl.
He's not the man of my dreams.
Somehow, when push came to shove, we found each other.
Do we necessarily complete each other?
Maybe not quite.
Do we have to though?

To fight, or to flight?

Questions unanswered, uncertainties linger like a motherfucker.
Maybe this is it, maybe it isn't.
I've been unhappy in solitude-
Will this attempt be the end of me?
Or will it be a discovery of heaven on earth?

I'd suppose there's only one way to find out.
Moving forward isn't easy, oh no, sir, it isn't.
But then again what's life without love?
How do you find love if you don't seek?
How do you find him if you aren't willing to kiss a few frogs?

xx

i've been downhearted, baby .

twelve/twelve/twelve

Seemed like a day you could expect twelve bursts of fireworks randomly all over town & being presented with twelve stalks of the most beautiful roses each carrying a promise; twelve promises to travel through time together for twelve lifetimes.

To my dismay, it was just another passing day.

I somehow find myself still being disappointed by the ones I love, or claim to love.
The fact that it happens repeatedly doesn't amaze me, somehow.
It's how I can conjure all this angst, over & over again-
Then allowing it to diminish, then redeveloping them.

My greatest disappointment has to be my ownself.
For I feel,
for I trust,
for I yearn,
for then I cry,
and yet I try.

xx

taking a chance on love .

it is that time of the month again, yes?
that's the only explanation as to why my cheeks are drenched, no?

can't my insecurities be fixed, like replacing the soles of your good shoes?
it is just unbearably hard to get through the day with these screaming thoughts and my guilt is simply getting louder than ever, "You think you'll get what you want by offering what you have? You really do? Don't you know who you are?" xx

sweet nothing .

Watched this movie, "Seeking A Friend For The End of The World", brilliant film.

Quotes;

How could I be so stupid? ... How could I do this? I put my energy in the wrong places. I give my time to the wrong people. I mean, when I think of all the holidays I didn't spend with my mom and dad to be with some guy I used to know.


I think that's the reason I cannot settle for anything less than amazing.

I'm gonna do all the things I missed out on for so long.

I'm not gonna waste my time on the wrong person.
I'm not gonna waste my parents' time introducing them to some future stranger.
And no more days spent picking out what you're gonna wear for night that don't mean anything.
No more wondering whether you're with the right person, or if this is the guy that you're meant to have kids with. All those ridiculous questions. It's liberating, that's what is it.
Maybe you just haven't met the right guy.

I wish I'd met you a long time ago. When we were kids.
It couldn't have happened any other way. It had to happen now. 


Got me thinking.
What am I the result of?
I mean, who are the people that made me?
Will I ever get to know them, to actually know them?
I just have all these questions in my head..these memories too..
Overwhelmed.
I know not how to proceed.
I am her, I'm probably just inhibiting myself.

xx