this i promise you .

it hurts.
it definitely does.

he's never gonna come.
she's dead anyways so why does it matter?

your heart.
its not where it should be.

all i craved was just a shot to make you whole.

you ruined it.
she's reduced to nothing.
oh you heartless one.
i just hope when it hits you, it hits you hard. xx

for you .

be my father. be my friend. be my lover.

7 billion people inhabits this planet.
there's bound to be one fucking person, for me?

you know what i'm talking about .
you chase one. its so damn right, you feel it in your bones.
then that one chases another.
who chases another.
and goddamn its a never-ending cycle.

years.
we've been chasing something that has been eluding us for years.
and we know there are many more years to come.
hence being presented with the question;

 "will it be like that for the rest of our lives?"

i've read somewhere before and posted way back-
summing that up would be that everything is a mere illusion.

so how do you know, once you're there?
will that be enough?

content.
isn't it human nature to never feel content with anything and everything?

said this to a person .
"just because you're not sad..doesn't mean you miss it any less, know what i mean?"

what a hypocrite i am =/ right? xx

walking dream .

ha. haha. hahaha. 

i'm fine . perfect . i'm much too strong . right? x

getting nowhere .

her life is leaking away.
year by year.
month by month.
week by week
day by day.
hour by hour.
minute by minute
second by second.
weary, 
she's weary.
mockers. liars.
they want her out.
they're weighing her down.
the world as she know it ; is finally caving in on her.


this tattered soul needs mending.
what does one do, when she's done searching?
xx

mississippi isabel .

if you don't believe in god .
if you have lost all that faith you had in yourself .
if you spend your days listening to songs waiting for seconds to pass from one to the other .
if you're not allowed to believe in movies .
if you know better than to trust in people .




what's there left to trust in ? x

little white doves .

she was up, way up.
then she was falling down, way down.
then she got picked up, then brought down.

in familiarity we find comfort.
so she cuts.
cuts so deep.
where even pain can't reach her.

and on some days,
the pain gets unbearable.
but then again,
"i rather feel pain than nothing at all"


such a dilemma you find yourself in.
trying to be okay,
knowing you're not,
wondering if you'll ever be,
even if it was just for awhile.

xx

part of this world .

hollow .

everything that goes in, flows right out .

except misery.

that sticks.

why is it on me? 

why is everything on me? 

and then why is it only me who feels? 

i'd love to think i'm nice .

i'm nice enough .

i try to be .

but nobody cares enough about the nice girl's wants & needs .

is it her own fault she's always attending to others?

even if no one is attending to hers? 

perhaps these questions,

will never be answered .

nor will they fade . xx

you should already know .

that your texts make my day .

whenever we talk a smile just appears on my face .

i look forward to just saying hi to you .

you make me happy-

yet you crush me .

that's exactly how it should be right ?

he just put his hands on me .

and i completely hated it ?

yet i didn't know how to show it =/ xx

if you will let me .

all this hatred .

disdain, too .

did i in anyway choose to be born? 

why would i..right?

i must have not seen what exactly my future held . 

or if it was written somewhere, a couple of pages were skipped by these no longer sharp eyes .

there has to be an explanation .

why else would an abomination be allowed to wander around aimlessly? 

you left me to rot .

you made a mistake .

this loner will make her mark .

someday, somehow .

you pick me up , you throw me on the rocks below .

pieces of my bones , remains of this being -

finally fulfilling its life purpose .

food- 

food for water critters .

People, they're unreliable. They sicken, decay and die.

don't you see the pain she's in ? xx

 

cura te ipsum

guess that holds true .

how can two words completely shatter one of the best days i ever had?

i never had mega hopes, that's my cold comfort .
i know i'll be fine, i know i'll be very much okay .
i just,
i did it very different this time around .

day 3 in efforts of quitting smoking .
fuck you .
like seriously FUCK ALL OF YOU .

i hate having to be nice to the people i DESPISE . =/
weakling , indeed i am .

trying to have a positive outlook for a better future,
all i see is a promise of despair .
an infinite promise. xx

listen to your heart .

somehow,
by choosing not to blog,
i'd be able to purge these memories.

the lies we tell ourselves . .

am i selfish?
will i ever forgive him?
am i in the wrong? or is he?

i beat myself up with these questions .

i know he can't fix up any of his messes .
i know it, no matter how hard he tries, if he is .
but maybe he can avoid fucking up any further .
just leave me, just leave us alone, please .
even if you think you don't have to choose we can all just get along ;
that's being naive, papa .

i want you to just SHUT UP about EVERYTHING .
you've no right to say anything about anyone .
you lost my respect, everyone's really .
a long time ago .
now it only looks pathetic and it pisses me off .

can i hate you?
do i already?
if i do then why do i hate myself for not being able to be okay with you?

i don't want to be like every other person who has to forcefully keep their mouth shut with bolts and wires because you have to put up with them in the future, possibly .
i want to be like , if its not then fuck you, and then fuck off you know?

courage,
she needs .
always been lacking in that department .

even if he makes her happy .
she can't tell him , just how much exactly . xx

it will rain .

i give, i give, and i keep on giving .
they take, they take it all, even more than i have to give .
then nobody gives it back .

disheartened =/

i'd jump off a cliff if it brings anyone joy..
why wouldn't anyone do the same?

sick and tired of sugarcoating it for everyone.

Q: What do you want to be in the world? I mean the whole world. What do you want to be? 

A: Found. 

Q: When are you gonna let yourself be happy again?

A: I am happy.

Q: I'm talking about when everyone else goes home. 

A:    . . .

- August Rush (2007)