shutters .

do you know what's it like to be backed into a corner, constantly, due to your own inadequacies?
i'm lacking, i'm lagging.
i put myself in these situations.
it'll just never be enough.
i'm stuck.
another step forward taken with a mighty courage i might add is another step in the wrong direction.
tired of dealing with my own inadequacies.
tired of cleaning up after myself.
tired of wondering if i'll be able to get myself out of this.

-heavy heart.

nenjukulae .

"He broke up with you, right? After telling you he loved you ,and calling you names like baby and sweetheart?

Yeah , I know.

He lavished you in compliments only to put himself down so you would stroke his ego. Did he tell you that you were beautiful? 

I bet he was always mentioned how he was lying in bed and wished you were there. He dragged " I love you" out of you, didn't he?

Yeah, don't deny it. He would talk to you last thing at night, and first thing in the morning. He constantly mentioned losing sleep over you, every night, but we both know he slept like rock.

He made you love pictures that were just sort of "blah" before.

Did you delete those pictures after he broke your heart?

Yeah , me too...

Your friends warned you ... Just remember , it's OK to cry.

And referring to him as " asshole" is perfectly expected. Because, trust me ,you ll end up talking about him just as often , if not more than before.

There will be the "one times" , and " I remember", and once you think you're over him, watch out.

Because, I promise you, next time you see him, he'll be all over some other girl. A little part of you will want to warn her, but nobody will blame you for hating her and for blaming her for your pain.

Yeah, you'll compare all other guys with him, because aside from the "man-whorish", heart-breaker thing, he was perfect. He was everything you wanted.

Listen, you will find the perfect guy for you, just like everybody says you will, and it will be soon.The most important thing though, is don't let him know he hurt you .Don't let him know he could have you back in a heartbeat.

Don't give him the satisfaction. Make him think you're completely happy.When he decides to wave at you , like nothing ever happened, wave back, sure.

But don't smile.

Make him think he meant as little to you, as you obviously meant to him."

This story sounds familiar to you?

I'm a huge believer in active decisions involving your thoughts. 

My heart ached today. 

Why did I have to see what I used to have?

Yes, I'm OK.

No, I'm not.

I don't know.

I'll never know the reason why.

Maybe someday I wouldn't even want to know why.

Doesn't help with how I feel now.

Used, 

fatigued,

broken,

tough,

weakened,

human.

Sleeping helps, a lot.

Universe, I just cannot go through this again.

I really can't.

If you don't stop these things,

neither can I stop these tears.

That's bollocks, I can, I know I can.

On some nights, on some days. 

I'm just longing for that connection I used to have.

That connection that made my world lit a wee bit more brighter.

Because that wee bit is worth fighting for.

Am I comparing myself by choice?

Or I was raised to compare myself?

I'm just headed to bed, 

haunted by his face, joy.

I don't wish you ill, boy.

Neither do I hate you, girl.

I'm just trying to get my shit in order.

xx

pull me down .

i don't want the world to see me.
the failure that i really am.

xx

it's not Thanksgiving, but.

Despite the things that took place that saddened me,
I'm here today reporting how happy and content I am.
With age comes perception, I suppose.
Looking back, put me in the same situation a few years ago, I'd be mutilating myself.
Now, I'm here, embracing life.

I'd like to say thank you.
Thank you, for doing what you're doing, what you did, or what you're about to do.
I've learnt how to be more positive and death rarely crosses my mind.
I feel silly now, thinking back then that seemed like my only option.
Oh, silly indeed.

Be it movies, songs, experiences, just plain people, I'm a whole lot better now.
I still do have my downs, yes.
But they aren't as morbid, they aren't as long.

I used to ask, "What have I done to not deserve not even a slice of happiness?"
I've just realized it all now.
I am happy.
I am content.
This is my life.
Everything can only go uphill from here.
However so, doesn't mean there aren't going to be rocks along the way.


The word I might be looking for is......acceptance. Yes.

I can't change many things and I'm more at peace with myself now once I've taught myself to be used to the idea.

I love my life.
I love the people I've met and kept.
I love the sods I've encountered.
Everything is just, fine now.
I know that.
I've been lazy to blog about my depressed moments because they aren't driving me insane as of late.

That worries me, that I might lose my muse once and for all.
Oh well, everything always comes down to a choice, right?
Choices made based on priorities.
Tonight,
I'd just want to say thank you, and I'm more than just ok. =]  xx

and I fell heavy into your arms .

lies so sweet.
lies so tender.
lies that I loved.

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."

Anais Nin

Debit or credit;
the latter, I hope.

how do I reverse the chemistry?

Once again I've been ridiculed and brought to an all time low.

Dear future stranger,
how could you look at me,
bare naked,
confused,
dazed,
appalled,
surprised,
in tears,
trying to grasp,
failing to comprehend those piercing words uttered by you,
broken,
tamed,
starry-eyed,
writhing in disbelief,
hopeful,
and doing nothing then walking away,
when once you looked at me with such......love?

xx

you manky bear .

I've found myself in like with a certain boy.
It's time I admit that much.
However so, he's a boy.
A boy, not a man.

He's incoherent.
He's tardy.
He never keeps his word.
He does make he happy.
How can that be?

Whatever he does, my insecurities counters them.
I can't seem to buy into anything that he says.

I think I've become that girl who distrusts everything the world offers.
Perhaps when it gets broken, I could say, I knew it'd be such, yes?

____________________________________________________________

 How can people forget the hurt that has been unto them?
They seem so at peace with being in good terms when once they weren't.
I'm supposed to be on board at all times? Even when I know it'd all fade?
Excuse me for knowing better than.
It gets lonely, it is tiring to be in this alone, remembering all the pain, the hurt, the words that hurt and the actions that followed.
At least I'm constant.

_____________________________________________________________

I'm finally done with my first internship.
There's no pause for life, is there?
Time just whizzes by, people just are, then there's me.
I'd just like someone to slow time down with me.
Someone who'd tell me it's okay to not be fine at nights while holding my hands.
Someone who'd see me all stripped to the core and understanding every scar.
And then be amazed at how well I can keep it all together during the day.

_____________________________________________________________

There's always a sting when the date shows the 21st.
A reminder as to what could have been.


xx

and on the 2nd day of the new year -

People have all these expectations, ideas and whatnot of THEIR work and they seem to forget that they're incapable of converting those ideas into actual substances and I'm the fool that prances around helping them, trying to make them happy whilst discounting my feelings. xx