i laid in bed for 5 hours last night.

and i couldn't fall asleep.

which once again, gave me time to think..

i spent most of my life hating and being miserable..i can't seem to let go of my grudges..i want the whole world to know exactly what i want..i'm stubborn..i try to get everything my way tailored to my needs and my desires only. i do realise that.

but what hit me last night was, my happiness was gained through someone's misery..

i finally fell asleep and woke up 5 hours later..

woke up the wrong side of bed i suppose? i was feeling angry at how everything is.

the world seems to twirl around as it has been doing for the past billions of ages ago but the people seems to be changing. or are they?

why are things the way they are?

can't i do anything to change the world.

all i want is positive happiness in every being.

maybe it is truly too much to ask for...

i sat down at the computer once i'm up trying to make sense of my life.

got mad at my grandmother who kept asking me to do something, because in my world, it's wrong timing even if i do enjoy lending a hand in the kitchen. i'm a bitch aren't i?

she kept asking me about my college and the cost and my plans and i did answer her but not much. was still feeling groggy and pissy. 10 minutes later she hands me this wad of cash. rm5000. to cover my first semester expenses. and i'm speechless.

i cried. * alone of course *

on my education topic i can't seem to get what i want, which makes me feel like i've no sense of direction whatsoever.

and it took me awhile to realise that if only i didn't dream too much, if only i didn't expect too much, i wouldn't be a constant depressed like person.

but would that kill me?

i'm rambling. even i do not get me.

the new famous saying eyh? FML.

this world i live in,

this world i know,

this world i despise,

is full of haters, creeps, users, such and such.

where did all the nice people go. .

the ones that i loved, i had to let go.

the ones that i want, i just couldn't get.

people make you who you are. must living be hard?

people intrigue me.

maybe i should be taking up psychology in uni den. ;]

him.

we have been together for 2 years and he decided we should go separate ways now.

after a month of craving and crying for him. i just realised i've become one of those annoying, weepish girls that i used to get annoyed at. love indeed sweeps your feet. and you fall down hard too. i'm picking myself up. on the matter of loving again, not now indefinitely.

" the first cut is the deepest"

-sheryl crow.

i love you. i guess you loved me. and i should be grateful for that. and i hope in good time i would stop " needing " you to die. 

love,

ranjie x

" i feel like i have a constant dagger in my heart. "

when i'm having the worst time in my life or when i'm feeling the blues, i simply have no one to call.

i'm surrounded by a sea of people whom i call friends and family. but in the end of the day, there isn't a person i can rely on..

friends, don't go behind your back and see each other and pretend nothing of it.

and they say they're too busy.

family members, don't ask you to tell your problem and make light or fun of it because it isn't important.

lover, isn't supposed to swear they would never leave you no matter what but dump you at the worst possible moment.

why does everything seem so impossible to me. why do i keep falling back into this abyss. everytime i thought i climbed out i simply seem to be getting sucked back in..

i hate the world.

i hate living.

i just want to die.

stab me.

stab me deep.

stab me over and over and over again.

stab me dead.

i beg of you.

I want a box around myself
So they can put me on the shelf
To see the way I live
But the holes are blocked
By everybody else inside
As far as I can tell
They're all living well
Living better, still
Oh, that's the way it is
Climbing up the corporate ladder
Trying to escape through the roof

Can you explain lives led in vain?
It seems like everybody's looking for their way out

It's not a problem, it's hell
We only do what people tell
But can you tell me, anyone
The consequences of setting someone free?

Can you explain lives led in vain?
It seems like everybody's looking for their way out

Have you ever felt the pinch
When you life's confined?
Well, get your ass in line
It's hard not to care what they say
I'd like to think we'll break away
I don't believe that growing up
Means cashing out and giving up

Can you explain lives led in vain?
It seems like everybody's looking for their way out

This box contains just one thing
The fact that I will probably never find a way

Can't you help me fade out?
You know that everybody's looking for their way out 

somehow, i can't express my feelings by myself. songs, poems, movies, etc. i truly connect with em. sadly i'm not authentic, eyh?

"Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime.

i guess i do miss him. i just can't go back to him. love hurts. 

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

relationships..

have you ever wondered what would it be like when you leave this world?

who would miss you?

who would shed their tears for you?

who would cry their hearts out?

who would still reminisce about you?

who would constantly have the urge to call you but then get hits in the face realising you're gone?

who would have wanted to make ammends with you?

who would wish really hard they had treated you better? 

i don't know who my people are..who is in my world..who is just using me..who is backstabbing me..who truly loves me..loads of whos..how can you tell for sure? i always tell people how much i love them or care for them because i truly do and i wouldn't want them to leave/me to leave this world not knowing..i would be sad..devastated..

somehow, just somehow, i'm not very likeable..as in people don't make an effort to chase me. i chase after everyone. and i always end up getting hurt. yet i go back to them.

why do i do that? i wish i knew. i wish i were loved. 

"I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is a way, that I say I need You"

- switchfoot ; learning to breathe

i suck at blogging =]