i had you .

don't push me ,

for i already am at the brink .

don't pull me,

for i need to bounce back on my own .

don't love me,

for i don't have it in me to love you back .

don't hate me,

for it is when i least deserve your love is when i need it most .

dear friend,

i know we've never been the kind to promise to stick with each other till the end of time. but you, you were my sister. i can only assume what i've done to piss you off so, but it is not fine with me. how you look at me & away . when once it was looking at me & showing off that content like smile that would make me feel less of a lonely girl. i can only write here. for the world would then know that you don't want me to be a part of your world anymore, and that simply seems like the end of us as i know it. loneliness really building up in me. i only wish i saw this coming. did i hurt you that bad, friend? i'm still trying . am i pushing you? am i losing you? when should i give up ?

love,

friend.

or perhaps ex friend .

i long for serenity.

i know i'm not making utmost use of my time, my means, my capabilities, but i'm stranded . x

even the rain can't put me to bed .

is this what it means to be all cupid struck again?

sleepless, long nights .

time seem to go by slowly when we're apart ; and to my dismay it flies when we're together .

his voice seems to be my hymn , my favourite tune, for it's all i look forward to listen to again, and again, and again .

his captivating smile, his eccentric style and not forgetting his out of this world slang .

your eyes, your poems, your endless stories, your home making skills and your enchanting laugh makes everything inside me do a little dance .

a little dance for joy ,

a little dance for fear ,

a little dance for you .

what else entices me has to be your ways ; a kid one second, a man the next .

oh boy what else can a girl do , when she's fallen for a him who's you .

everyone's like, it's so weird to see a happy ranjie .

hahahahaha .

perhaps it is .

perhaps i like the change .

a change within me ?

it feels good being able to feel good again . =]

he looked at me today , and went like damn girl you're like superwoman .

all cuz i was like would a laddu cheer you up ? haha .

ben said if he doesn't like me he wouldn't have spent all these time with me .

but still there are doubts, doubts that fills the vacant spaces between hope and happiness .

xxx

right above it .

10 September 2010 .

it had it's up and it's down .

i don't want to forget anything. so i'll write it here . =]

woke up . got to atheera's house for her open house .

was fun . i really enjoyed myself . we had some issues then . = /

that sucked . and when she vented, i felt like i was always taking shit like this from everyone .

but then i realize i do it too =]

so i get where she's coming from .

we might have said a hurtful thing or two to each other .

but i know everyone has their own battles .

everyone has their own issues .

i get mad . they get mad .

and what matters is at the end of the day,

if they don't run to you,

who else would they do?

you can only hurt the ones you love, yeah?

it was raining . i was pissy . i didn't want to smoke up .

but i couldn't drive so we ended at john's anyway .

and . i let myself into his room . and i took a short nap on his bed .

and he came in . and i heard him . so i woke up . and we just spoke .

he was rolling, i was rolling on the bed =P

we were just talking about everything .

and it was amazing .

and we blazed .

and then we spoke some more .

and if i could type every single thing, i definitely would . =]

he showed me his old poems that he wrote . and i was completely blown away ?

he writes well, beautifully in fact . beautifully in pain .

and he opened up to me .

and he wanted to get to know me . =]

it felt right ?

i know i shouldn't get all excited over nothing ?

or too quickly at least ?

but,

it's been ages since i've felt such .

and perhaps i'm sick and tired of feeling nothing but miserable and hate .

and well i've liked him from before anyways =]

i was just too blinded with a dick to allow myself to look at others .

and this fb page just appeared like when i checked it before posting this .

" When you finally let go of the past, something better comes along "

and i've missed him, for sure .

but i'm coming around to acceptance that i'll never be theirs , again .

and i've not been putting the blame on me as much anymore?

changes . x

she ain't right for you .

They will say that I spend all my days chasing a love that she
Took away but I feel what I feel

-marcy gray x

one day .

"I’m not brave any more darling. I’m all broken. They’ve broken me."
Ernest Hemingway (A Farewell to Arms)

is that what they mean when they say everybody is fighting their own battles ?

perhaps i simply don't want to anymore . xx

Questions .

why did you wear the mask?

why did you tell me lies?

why did you step into my life?

why didn't i see you through?

why did i get fooled by you?

why did i trust the snake?

where did you go?

why did you go?

why did you leave me all alone?

what did i do?

what did i say?

should i be the one to blame?

why did you disappear?

why did you fall in fear?

didn't you know what was inside of me?

didn't i warn you?

didn't i try my best?

didn't i know that it would end up this way?

Those questions? they come around .

it's like one minute i'm fine and the next i'm not .

when i'm feeling mad i figure i'm over you .

and then it turns into sadness, which i drown in .

you're off galavanting .

you're shoving everything straight up my face .

what pleasure might you get from this?

but i will move on .

and i will potray a strong me .

i will not show you how badly you've hurt me .

you and all of you too . x