they all , lie .

THANK YOU GOD , thank you for your darkness.

you live , just for another day .

you breathe , just for another day .

nobody hears you when you pray .

and your heart is broken .

and nobody hears you .

you're running out of life .

and to die is easy .

cause nobody hears you .

you breathe for just another day .

you love , just for another day .

this fucking world

cannot erase the pain I FEEL . x

so, that's how it's like .

23november2010

somewhere around 5.45

after that whole intense pissed off session . i told him . he said so what now i don't know what to do . i said forget it then . he said i'm a fucking coward and walked off . i cried . he came back . we spoke . i made it clear . it was magical ? i think ? the next second he was just like , on me, i was on karam's bed he was on top . we kissed ? made out ? uhm . it was nice ? his scruffy beard and moustache . haha . uhm . yeah . for like a minute ? maybe less maybe more ? cuz someone came out of his room . and , he kissed my forehead and went off . and i joined him in his room with everyone else . yeap =] so , since i've no one i'm allowed to tell cuz i'll hate him then cuz he's probably make my life living hell . so i'm saying it here . his hands pressed mine against the bed too . when i tried to touch his body . cuz i guess he thinks i was going down there? so that was bad . =D but it was still what i wanted . i wanted to know what's it like to just have a taste of his lips on my tongue  xx

one in a million .

we've been getting close, and closer .

it's like every single tiny detail we'll dwell .

deciding on letting our feet touch .

or our hands .

or playing with each others' hands .

or fingers.

or just touching .

like ,

i like making these tiny decisions .

it's nicer .

makes everything more, indulge-able .

like how when we went out for lunch with my brothers under the table he kept stepping on me and we kept touching under the table? that was super sweet . or when it was just me and him and super short shorts he saw my cuttings and my messed up hair and he just played and touched me softly. everything was , perfect .

calls. texts . =]

he's perfect .

he's so fucking perfect . xx

rehab-

"you're the reason why i'm thinking

i don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more "

he texted me . saying he misses me . i thought i was going to fall for it . for the first time , i waited , i thought , for hours , before i replied . and i feel good . =]

it's been a crazy week. going to kayangan heights like 5 , well 6 tmrw days in a row . but it feels so good to spend time with the cousins . like they get it . and they allow me, us to vent . and feel good. and that we're not alone . and at this point , that's all i need .

no i won't deny the fact that he was a good father , just a failure as a man .

and i will admit i'm hurt , even if we're not on talking terms . i'm just really sad, disgusted, disappointed, etc . but like fuck it i just want him gone . and i am going to learn how to not hurt =]

never seen him blow up in my face before . it was kinda hot =P

he makes me happy, his smile drives me insane .

i feel, special .

oh well .

for everything that went down between us , i am truly sorry . i wish i were a different person sometimes too with different emotions and different perceptions or different ways of taking things but this is me . and it's easier being truthful than pretending and accumulating hate and disgust of my own self in me . i truly wish you happiness, you're a good person and you deserve it .

is this who i am ?

is this everything i'd ever feel ?

emotions-

buried .

i can do so much better .

i know i can .

i know i will .

but i just want another day,

another day to cry ,

another day to cut ,

another day to wallow .

but i can't afford that .

no i can't afford in relapsing .

i'm toxic .

and my favorite thing to do is self destruct .

but no i can't return .

i can't return to who i am trying not to be anymore .

and i will succeed .

xx

chicken scallop with cheese =]

ben's bday . oh god what a day to remember . it was really nice and all . and then , there was the part where he did the thing i've always dreamt of it being done . like at gai3's wedding but there was a picture and i tried finding but no i didn't get a picture but it's like embedded in my head .

i stood . he stood in front of me . we were talking , eye to eye . and his hand came over and was holding my chin , to wipe cake . but it was so sweet . and it was like his hands, my chin , everyone staring . i was completely lost in the moment . and the hug after i puked? *sighs* and it's eid today again . the last eid was when i started falling HARD for him . as soon as i woke up i texted him . and he called me . and he was sleepy and i was sleepy so we did the whole prom night talk again . it was heavenly . *sighs again* so many things to write . so many things i don't want to forget . but there are so many things . and so many emotions . and so little time .

my babies are leaving =/

i heard exaggerations .

i got mad .

still telling myself it's not worth it .

so fuck it .

being happy is not a problem, finding reasons to be happy is .

imisshimandallhisscent'sandwhatnot. xx

hold you .

your smile, your laugh ,

the way you look at me I can't get enough .

a simple look makes me smile

a little smile makes me weak inside

the smallest touch and im flying high

but let me go and ill never feel right inside .

the way you walk, the way you talk ,

the way you got my mind and heart at war .

if I was to try and make you love me ,

would it push you away ?

because without you its hard to breathe .

when my head hits the pillow all I dream is you and me .

me and you, you and me .

my heart is a cage and you are the key

set me free and fly away with me.

xx

Unwritten law, unspoken rule .

i can soar up so high,

and then i'll come crashing .

i burn . i'm burning within . everything's on fire .

i'm merely denying my instincts to act like a total crazy bitch .

or well,

perhaps it's just these thoughts , that i'll never get to act out .

emotions run wild , yet prisoned in me .

thoughts not escaping my lips ,

why do they do this to me?

Thirst . . . self-generated, by your filthy thought and hate .

The ugliness, the chosen one , the dirty insanity you've inside .

As you spit in my face, as you blacken my name ,

You turn clean, you feel clean?

Feeding your own smile, light-sucker from your eyes.

I am the horrid you repulse, the leprosy you despise .

You NEED me to exist .

mistake, repeated .

disgusted? not entirely .

i'm so fucking flimsyyy AHHhhh i disgust me . =/ x