rehab-

"you're the reason why i'm thinking

i don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more "

he texted me . saying he misses me . i thought i was going to fall for it . for the first time , i waited , i thought , for hours , before i replied . and i feel good . =]

it's been a crazy week. going to kayangan heights like 5 , well 6 tmrw days in a row . but it feels so good to spend time with the cousins . like they get it . and they allow me, us to vent . and feel good. and that we're not alone . and at this point , that's all i need .

no i won't deny the fact that he was a good father , just a failure as a man .

and i will admit i'm hurt , even if we're not on talking terms . i'm just really sad, disgusted, disappointed, etc . but like fuck it i just want him gone . and i am going to learn how to not hurt =]

never seen him blow up in my face before . it was kinda hot =P

he makes me happy, his smile drives me insane .

i feel, special .

oh well .

for everything that went down between us , i am truly sorry . i wish i were a different person sometimes too with different emotions and different perceptions or different ways of taking things but this is me . and it's easier being truthful than pretending and accumulating hate and disgust of my own self in me . i truly wish you happiness, you're a good person and you deserve it .

is this who i am ?

is this everything i'd ever feel ?

emotions-

buried .

i can do so much better .

i know i can .

i know i will .

but i just want another day,

another day to cry ,

another day to cut ,

another day to wallow .

but i can't afford that .

no i can't afford in relapsing .

i'm toxic .

and my favorite thing to do is self destruct .

but no i can't return .

i can't return to who i am trying not to be anymore .

and i will succeed .

xx