endurance .

a new depressing thought, every damn day.

so well.

just realized how i'm nobody's....favorite?

i mean everyone ALWAYS have that preference thing.

doesn't mean they like others any less, just that one person a tad bit more?

just figured i'm pretty much nobody's favorite.

not my mom's.

not my dad's.

definitely not my grandparents'

not my brothers'

not my friends', best friends' included.

and i guess the whole fucking world too.

since the new hype are memes, why the fuck not? =] xx

am i?

am i who i think i am?

or am i just awaiting the day for someone to tell me to shove my righteousness so far up where the sun don't shine?

to deal with people on a daily basis has become a constant battle.
i'm conflicted.
i want to be nice.
but i can't anymore.
the well is running dry, but only because the world was greedy.

no that's a lie.
if i'm not nice,
i'm not me.
no?

who am i?
i see this image on the mirror.
but even the supposed reflections differ from one day to the other.
if my physical perception shifts,
wouldn't you already expect major conflicts in, within?

i'm defected.
i'm desperate.
i'm doomed.  xx

she minds .

i'm good, i'm gone.

that attitude.
perhaps it'd serve me well in the long run?
but what about now?
am i just to watch everyone be cuddled in such loving embraces?

there's everyone, all paired up in twos.
then there's ranji.

it is not like i can't.
i can.
but i simply want something for reals.

not talking about forever lasting relationships because we all know that's just such bollocks.
just knowing that feelings are reciprocated that even your cells are certain.

yeah. that's for reals. xx

depth perception

" He wants to know that his sacrifices meant something. He wants someone to tell him that the nightmares that he sees when he closes his eyes help other people sleep better at night. He just wants the world to make sense again. "
-Burn Notice 5x16


Funny, that's exactly why she's the way she is. Always trying to put a smile on someone's face even if it means bending backwards. xx

heartbeat .

i just want to wail.

i've nothing left to do.
nothing left to say.

and i know while i cry my heart away, i'd not be in anyone's arms.

you may say its running away.
but what does one do when there's no solution.

is there anyone out there?
anyone, at all?
do you not get the pain i'm in?
will you help me, end me? xx

lights out .

I'm scared.

Of all the things, of all the mistakes I have made, the words I've uttered & the ones I did not, the people I've met with, the past, the present & the future.

I'm really terrified.

Will that ever go away?
Constantly facing nagging thoughts.
Just the need to know exactly what's in their heads, that will put my mind to ease, I hope?

Paralyzed by my fears.
When will I stop drowning myself?

Do you ever get that feeling?
Sitting down, spacing away, wondering ;

How have I been living? 

                How am I going to face my tomorrows? 

Tomorrows, I'd definitely be there for yours, if you'd allow me. Would you be there for mine? xx

liar =/

The One Person You Never Really Get Over

DEC. 7, 2011 

By RYAN O'CONNELL 

There will always be that one person you’ll never really get over. I know, I know, Connie Chung delivering groundbreaking news over here, but it’s true. Sure, you can go days, weeks, months, years without thinking of them but the second you see their face or their name gets mentioned in passing, your stomach drops and you feel like you could puke. You’ve lost control and all of these feelings suddenly rise to the surface to say, “Sup? Have you missed us?’ You’ll hate yourself for this, for all of it. You won’t be able to recognize why this one person can still garner this type of reaction. Why is your mind punking you? It almost feels like a betrayal. You want to give your emotions a stern talking to and say, “Um, hi. I thought we were over this? So why am I getting super nervous and spazzy at the mere mention of their name? You promised me that we were over this, brain. THANKS A LOT.”

You’re not over this person because you still want to see them naked. If they wanted you at this moment, you would leave everything and come to them. It almost feels good knowing that you want someone so bad. You spend so much of your time feeling indecisive about things but this is the one thing that remains the same. It drives you insane but it also brings a certain level of comfort, doesn’t? “No matter what happens, I will always want to lie my naked body next to yours.”

You’re not over this person because they still have the ability to piss you off. A simple insensitive comment made in passing can affect you worse than an insult from your best friend. Why? Why? WHY? That’s all you ask yourself as you sit, licking your wounds. It’s important to not question this too much. It’s fruitless. It just is. Maybe one day they won’t piss you off. Maybe one day you’ll feel nothing. Hope for nothing, accept everything.

You’re not over this person because you can still remember the little details, like the way their sweat smelled (ew, make that memory go away), their favorite song at seventeen, or a day you held hands in the backseat of a car. These memories still reduce you to mush all of these years later. Can you believe it? How can some lovers evaporate the day they leave you and others stay way past their welcome? Who gets to choose who gets left behind and who gets to stick? Not you.

You’re not over this person probably because they could never love you back the way you wanted them to, the way you needed them to. They were a defective toy that couldn’t be fixed at the shop. This made you so angry and so sad and you tried just so damn hard and everyone knew it but it didn’t work. Not one bit. Because of this, your business with them will always seem unfinished. You couldn’t conquer them and seal the deal, which made getting any kind of closure difficult. Your closure needs to be done on your own. You have to accept that this person will never give you the answers you want them to.

It sucks to have this one person in your life that can derail you at a moment’s notice. But in a way, it feels good knowing that you could ever love someone so much. Or that’s what you tell yourself anyway. It doesn’t matter if something is true or not. The things we tell ourselves can become our truth. 

holes inside .

she wakes.
she sees.
she sees the world for what it is.
she tries.
she smiles.
she hurts.
she dances.
she yearns.
she still grins.
she jumps.
she does handstands.
she walks on glass.
she pretends.
she craves.
she fails.
she fails everyone.
she fails herself.
she closes her eyes.
she sees the world for what it isn't.
she hopes.
she sleeps.


and that cycle repeats =/ xx

just want to call a place home =/