stay .

to allow oneself to hope is the most devastating feeling ever.
and also beautiful, of course, if it works out in your favor.
last day of 2014.

been a great year, i suppose. :)
could have been worse, could have been better.
happy new year, you.

i'm not the only one .

"I can't tell you just how wonderful she is. I don't want you to know. I don't want anyone to know."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

mr. minor

i showed you my scared and my sad.
you showed me your ugly.

i saw yours.
your ghosts, your demons, your flaws, your inners.
and i loved you the same.

you despised me for it.

why?

no one's here to sleep .

Dear to-be-daughter,

I promise you I will with all of my power protect you from all physical pain.
I will cradle you with all my might till my last breath.
I will socks you till your thighs.
I will pad your elbows.
I will stop buildings from collapsing on you.



However though..



I beg all the gods I could have believed in,
I plead to the universe beyond and the deepest ends of the seven seas.

That I will be able to keep you from emotional, ghost pains.
The pains of having to say goodbye to loved ones,
the pains of your heart being broken, tattered, put together only to be smashed and banished into Neverland again.
The pains of feeling like you could never measure up to anyone's expectations and the pains of not having what you can't buy with and without money.




I'm so, so, so, truly, sorry.
I do wish I never brought you in on days..but I could think of an infinity more reasons to have done so.

kadhal aasai ?

Tonight, or well, this morning, I'd like to talk about moral crossroads.

I want to do this but I know it's wrong.
But I'm only human (could be an excuse on my part, valid or not is subjective) and I'm tempted by how good can something so wrong be.

At the same time, how could something so wrong be justified by saying it's human.
Who defined being human?
Is it to be in control of our desires or not to be?

I am lonely, it would be fun.
But what about when I'm not lonely, someone else could be justifying their actions the same way and it WILL hurt.

How many steps further is one supposed to plan/foresee/anticipate/be prepared for?
If you're always weighing the probabilities out, you won't "live", no?
Am I willing to go through with this anticipating bad karma thus attracting negative energy or am I unwilling and probably have the same thing happen to me anyway, since it has happened.

How do you decide?
How do you know?
How do you be at peace?

only one .

Well, everything in her life is just the way she knows them to be, she's had experience, she knows what she's doing.

But with you, with discovering Atlantis, you have to approach with caution.
She's treading carefully,
she's reserved,
her eyes are wide open,
her heart is pumping at an accelerated rate.

Won't you expect, won't you allow, some trepidation?
Won't you grant some time to her so she could familiarize herself with you?

i'll be alright .

She remembered it like it was just yesterday.

His hands on her jeans button, "you sure?"

She looked at him longingly into his eyes and uttered a yes that's been waiting to escape her lips, her prison, for a while now.

It was beautiful.
In that moment, that glimpse of a moment,
I felt his insides setting my wrong insides right; like it was just yesterday.

nobody to love .

"Do you trust me?"
He asked her with a rhetorical tone.

She smirked, "With my life!"

"Hold my hand, and don't close your eyes."

He single-handedly drifted seamlessly on the bends of the roads at an exhilarating speed.

She muttered a silent prayer under her breath, "and don't ever let go..."

i love you, girl.

being curious and being sensitive is the worst possible combination of traits, ever.

you look like you used to be in love .

I've been contemplating if I should write this.

Might as well.


"You can't ignite my mind and open my eyes to possibilites, expecting me to stay still."

"No", she said.
"Don't turn them on.."
"What are you afraid of? I want to see what I love."
"Why don't you feel it instead?"

In the darkness, in the stillness of the night, in that moment they created together, she recognized his smile.

His smile that's engraved in the innermost of her being will hardly fade away.
Together. Wholesome, that's what she felt that night.
She has found the planet of the gods.

The year is coming to an end.
Has it been an eventful one?
Of course.
There were many ups, many downs.
C'est la vie.

A place that you return to daily isn't necessarily home.
Why?

I've a lot of things to sort *sighs*
Working through it all *another sigh*

I don't quite know how to say how I feel on the inside.
I don't know if I should.
What am I so afraid of?
Hurting someone?
Having someone think I'm not what I portray?

Keep your head down, ranjie.
You'll survive.
Don't you always?

stay high .

it has been awhile so it could be a long one .
it could not be .

someone told me that i live in a bubble .
not quite sure how i feel about that .
not quite sure if i like feeling dismissed easily .
you don't know what i've been through,
you don't ask.
so, is it easier?
to assume that i eat butterflies and poop rainbows?


it's easy to be sullen .
everyone has their battles and everyone is wounded, defeated .
it takes a WHOLE lot to smile despite .
to stay positive despite .
to love despite .
to crave despite .
to hope despite .
to be, despite ...


and the other issue on my mind .
please, quit .
i've this angst-eerie-feeling that you'd be reading this .
and i want you to just put a stop to all that you're attempting to do .
you're causing me discomfort .
i'm genuinely disturbed, not touched .
you can write me a hundred essays and i wouldn't run into your arms and gaze into your eyes .
so, please, stop.

SAY SOMETHING .

me being alive is a product of their mistake and my life is a sum of my mistakes .