ranjie pothead darling =/

perhaps i just wanna disappear .

this downward spiral seems to be never ending .

i mean yes i have had good days .

but everything feels so superficial . . .

how else can i break it down to you mom . .

that perhaps i do want to achieve the generic dream you want for me, while having all the fun on the way ?

words don't work on you anymore.

neither does tears.

for now silence is all i can present you with .

for i not know what am i to become anymore ?

met the future step mom .

she's . indian .

like REALLY indian .

scary much .

i do not know what i want .

do i want my dad to move out ?

so my so called step dad can move in ?

can i just despise them both ?

if only i am able to survive on my own.

i wouldn't have the need for this drama .

people.

family.

they are all simply so . ignorant .

perhaps i'm ignorant too .

i just wanna diminish .

i wish i had the courage .

i look at all these photos .

i look at all these people .

i wonder what they had to give .

to live a life so content.

i'm a disappointment to myself and the world .

i just wanna find a cliff and jump right off it .

x

something positive, something negative .

i guess i had a good and memorable day yesterday . .

picked ashraf up .

showed him our new cd .

he heard waving flag and he kissed me instantly and went like i love you . (prolly for the song but i guess i would be happier believing he does love me)

and picked the twins . drove to shah alam .

if i could describe every single thing, i would .

but it was a mixed state of happiness and not .

i want to truly be simply happy but it's like i can't forget .

so yeah.

kissed.

spoke.

and at one point he's like remember i was telling you i was truly sorry for being an asshole?

it was because of the whole thing with FUB was a mistake.

and i asked him do you still talk to her?

he's like no, okay when she calls yeah but i don't .

i went into a kinda quiet mood i guess duh the mere mention of her name just brings back so many memories.

and he went to pay for petrol.

and i poured. and when he came out he's like the guy at the counter just asked me if you were my wife.

i was like o.O do i look that old?

he's like -___- no people marry young.

i just smiled =]

and he's like will you marry me?

i was like eh?

he's like you're my wife .

i was just dying to say i don't want to steal alia's title but i didn't .

i smiled .

for that made me happy .

and uhm .

yeah .

i had fun .

he was like i will cry if you don't come out tonight and made a cute sad face. i knew there was a reason i fell for him .

he does make me happy .

even if he doesn't mean everything he says .

so . in between all the bb bullet shooting, picking dev, making me promise not to get down from the car, getting semi lost, singing a-wimbaweh, all his mood swings ; i realized that perhaps i do forgive. i just don't forget. for all the bad times isn't worth the good, you know ?

and we went to kidnap mus. (smoking up and having fun while waiting)

i met his 2nd sister yeah ?

and i guess i felt this sense of belonging i felt years ago .

which is wrong.

i know he'd never make me his again .

got home. got yelled. got mad. got sad.

i don't know what to do anymore .

everything is just so disheartening .

i hate how my mom just reminds me of every single shit.

but i always keep a straight face.

until she mentions jabs.

that's when i cry.

for that's one person i really simply. loved.

and uhm yeah i guess i don't even want to break down how i feel .

but everyone just .

i don't know .

make me .

wanna end this life.

and i had fun with jabs .

and after a bit .

i was just like .

god ranjie how long are you going to pretend everything is okay with ashraf and jabs ?

i miss my bestfriend, he was my bestfriend.

and i had a crappy day.

and i had neither to call and talk.

i wish i could break down and tell jabs that no i can't talk to you because i just truly miss you and i want to be yours again i want a second chance.

but what if i lose him again?

maybe this is the best i can get from him .

and it would just have to suffice .

would they ever understand?

that all i want to be is with them?

to have a special place in their heart?

don't they already know that that is the only way i can be truly happy?

families are meant to love you . to have faith in you. to keep giving you chances .

it's important to me that strangers do too.

for it shows me that humanity is not dead .

and the thought of knowing that, would complete my world .

i told jojo about ashraf.

and she's like so you guys are back together?

i was like no -__- he's just being ashraf.

and that hurt me most . =/ as just last night , puva asked me whether does jabs talking to me means we're getting back together.

and i cried saying no .

i'm just. trapped and floating in between happiness and sadness.

i don't even know if it's true happiness not just the result of me pretending.

so yeah..

i'm lost.

i'm confused.

i just. am dying for a ciggie right now.

perhaps it'd make it all better. xx

waving flag, and then it goes back .

i miss you .

and i would do anything,

i would give anything.

just to be able to call you mine again. xx

stuck in reverse?

if only words could describe how badly i'm hurt within.

not a day goes by without me reminding myself what took place.

and i know no matter how many times i cry to you, no matter how long i talk to you or write you, you're never going to change.

for i don't mean anything to you.

i don't mean a thing to anyone really.

i gave and never stopped giving you me.

i became so worthless.

i hope i'd have the strength to do the right thing now.

because you would never get it, how it feels like to be me.

and it's not like you care. .

he said hi, after a year.

words can't describe this feeling.

it just doesn't feel real.

like something bad is about to happen.

and he's just using me really.

wait, he and everyone i know.

so,

yeah.

i'm just going to hide for now.

for i'm clueless as to what i'm to say

i'm ashamed. humiliated.

i've no idea whatsoever on how to behave now .

help me . fix me . xx

action.lust.passion.us ;]

somewhere only we know

i would want to say the familiar feelings are returning, but i would be lying. and i guess that's a good thing.

to be honest? i've temporarily given up on looking for my perfect other. i'll wait for when i am in like a different place. and in a way it would be like hitting reset again. how i can't wait.

i saw that bitch today.

my only desire is to hug and kiss him in front of her. and well run her over with my car.

but why bother i chose to be where i am today. the truth makes everything else seems like mere lies. oh well. people will get what they deserve. either that or they'd learn . i know i got what i deserved for what i did. my heart is immune to your lies. i wish my head were too.

he befriended me.

he gained my trust.

he broke through to get to me.

he made me happy.

and then my fairy tale came to an end.

he stabbed me, in my heart, over and over.

he shoved me away.

he murdered me.

and it's as if i can't get back the old, real me.

but do know that i love you always, all ways.

closest to heaven that i'd ever be-

am i a better person now than i used to be?

i'd like to think so .

but i do not know so.

sometimes, i still feel so alone. i want to be understood. to be simplified. and how it frustates me so. i don't want the whole world. just you. where are you? if only you could see through me, look at my thoughts.

i'm back to wondering whether would a simple prayer help. then i remembered.

neurotic.

loner.

dreamer.

impossible.

starry eyed.

paper-hearted.

romance enthusiast.

bring me back the happiness that you stole.

the unpretentious smile i used to wear.

i'm slipping quicker than ever.

would you come rescue me? xx

am i ever going to see your face again?

“It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself.”

i'm trying and trying to protect this little pretend world i have, where i ignore the truth. i'll hold this world of mine down for as long as i can. i know i have to let go eventually, and i would, just waiting for that second. the perfect second.

all i know is that he fills a void in me, strangely enough he helped create that void too.

this is from shaz's status,

Its not painful anymore, I'm slowly beginning to accept, that I am
meant to be like this.

Maybe someone will come and save me someday, until that day, I'll

be here, paying you back for every smile you gave, to me.

xx

if i aint got you-

i guess everything that i've been through with you has made me reckless.

(for you showered me with so much love i was truly joyful)

now i'm untethered.

i'm filled with anger and shame, that i cannot express.

truth is, everybody is going to hurt you.

you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

-bob marley

words people, words.

there are meaningful words

and there are pointless words

and then there are words that hurt-

-all about steve

xx

i love the way you call me baby

i liken you to god.

i worshiped you.

i gave myself selflessly to you,

only wanting attention & love in return .

you probably think you're amazing .

because everybody else adores you .

but i'll tell you straight to your face that

i loathe you .

even if i loved you at one point .

irony,

i get jack from either.

xx