bass down low .

shopping .
with a guy .
that was my first .
we went to times .
then 1u .
in one day .
then 1u again the next .
and the look on his face , lights ME up .
when he got his supra .
it was just indescribable .

and at 1u today . he dragged me to the changing room and i was just standing while he took his shirt out in front of me and people were just like o.O or like wow kinda thing . i have to admit i kembang-ed big time .

and he said this after the whole day putting up a long face .
he said i don't know how come you're tolerating me .
all my ex gfs they sure fight because i'm like this .
but you , you just have so much patience for me .


i flied high =P
he's ,
not entirely what i see in a guy i will admit that we have very different opinions and views . i guess the age gap does contribute to that issue but he really sayangs . and that's all that matters to me at this point . i know we're not going to be like this forever . i might not want to see him anymore after january . i'm just enjoying this a day at a time . he's still amazing though . bloody amazing .

my first new year with kathy . shit . friends for so damn long but we never spent new years together . and all i want is just a kiss from him . i met ashraf again . and somehow , i only feel sad when i talk to him over the phone . not when i see him . i've lost all urges to touch him or kiss him . and i put john first .

but i'm a pathetic idiot .
i get so lost in a person and the only way i'll redeem myself from him is  if i get completely lost in another person .

miserable ?
pathetic ?
weak ?

not really . just wanting to be loved . just want a loving hand . some affection . and attention . xx

cry me a river

last night i broke down .
i had nothing but the comfort of my teddy .
the hectic weekend and sleep deprivation might have contributed towards the breakdown but it was definitely one bound to happen .
that was me .
that was ranji not hiding behind all the fake smiles and laughter .
this whole happy facade is taking a toll on me .
and all i could bring myself to do was cry .
cry for my mistakes .
cry for my actions .
cry for my tragedies , myself .
nothing but regrets .
how i wish i could have done everything differently if i'd somehow known what is to happen.
i wish i never did let myself go .
i wouldn't have if i knew i'll never get the untainted me back .
regrets , deep heartfelt regrets .
unspoken words , spoken words .
actions both taken and not .
inflicting hurt and allowing to get hurt .
regret , is indeed a funny thing .
how i wish i could just start over .
CLEAN SLATE .
no mistakes made so no judgements would be passed .
is there an option to do nothing but sit and wallow?
guess not . .. ...
so i've no other bloody option .
i  HAVE to toughen up .
i HAVE to move on .
do i have it in me is the question ?
i guess i'll know soon enough  .
oh how i wish i was someone's loving hands to guide me through and coach me for everything so i would ace LIFE with flying colors .
but he's never going to appear is he ?
as long as i'm still a wimp .
he's never going to come for me .
i guess it's only because i've to learn .
live and learn , right ?
if only it's as simple as it sounds xxx

right the stars .

that was the song playing on my phone via his speakers . 
i just got back from melaka . 
but i was only gone for about two days .
two days of which he did call .  =]




he gave me a pendant .
i was like " omg it's a fairy....i love fairies how did you know o.O "
and he was like yeah who doesn't love them . they make people's wishes come true and you always make mine come true like my fairy so this is for you . 
and he smiles his smile . 
i choked silently just saying it's beautiful . 
he said i know , never lose it . 
i promised i wouldn't .


aaand he went to put his clothes into the washing machine -____-
all this was before the cute i miss you mms he was to send . xx


and this is a picture of it =] 

weight of the world .

this is i .

this is me .

this is called , coming clean . 

i spend most nights crying .

crying when i know the world is asleep .

and i weep .

i weep my heart out for this broken world .

family , friends , strangers , foes . 

treachery , betrayal , trust issues , money issues , ego issues , man that's a lot of issues .

enough to shake me from the core . 

this world i know isn't perfect . 

everyone's killing me . 

its making me sad, beyond it really . 

sometimes i wonder why do i weep for even persons unknown . 

oh would somebody lift the weights ? 

it's heavy , and it's getting heavier on my heart as the days go by . 

i tried pretending . 

but really at one point the mask will fall off . 

how do you deal with shit ? 

families to enemies . 

friends are now loathed .

lovers who are non existent . 

i've so much love left to give in me .

i know it . 

but i'm filled with hate , disgust and confusion . 

in the famous words of rodney king , 

"can we all just get along? "

will you help me? 

help me HELP me . 

for one day i'll get tired of being my own pillar . 

and that's when i'll breakdown into pieces . 

right in front of all of your eyes xx

runaway .

my head's not where it's supposed to be .
i need to look for strength .
strength within me .
i got to look deep .
deep in me .
deeper than the ocean of troubles . 
i've got to sink deeper.
deeper and deeper to find the buried treasure . 
i will not die . 
i will not drown . 


right ? x

random quotes saved in my drafts .

‎"I'm that girl that's always happy -- the one who never has problems, and when I do, they don't get to me. Everyone sees me as the one they can count on to put a smile on their face because as far as they know, I always have one on mine. No one looks any deeper than that."

In my bed I sought for weeks
whom my soul loves and found it not.

"But man is not made for defeat," he said.
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated."
-Ernest Hemingway 

perfect nightmare .

firstly i guess i'd have to apologize for suddenly not allowing a single soul to read my blog .

if there's anyone who's actually really following it anyway .

there was a line in this series i follow ; and it said something alone the lines of do not let anyone know what's in your heart, ever .

and i guess i did take it seriously .

i was tired of everyone somehow thinking they know me , yet they don't actually .

so why bother even letting anyone trying to comprehend my constant empty ramblings .

but it took me quite sometime to remember the initial reason of me starting this blog .

" i hope someday , someone will randomly stumble upon this blog . and that someone will cry reading me in misery , and laugh in content seeing me happy . that someone will also let me know that i'm not alone in this world "

and that's something i'd like to live for , it's sort of a , dream ? that might or might not come true . so from here on i guess i'll be posting all the previous posts that i had saved in my phone or the drafts or whatnot .

just so you may know ,

ranjie darling ,

is ,

indefinitely ,

broken . xx