cry me a river

last night i broke down .
i had nothing but the comfort of my teddy .
the hectic weekend and sleep deprivation might have contributed towards the breakdown but it was definitely one bound to happen .
that was me .
that was ranji not hiding behind all the fake smiles and laughter .
this whole happy facade is taking a toll on me .
and all i could bring myself to do was cry .
cry for my mistakes .
cry for my actions .
cry for my tragedies , myself .
nothing but regrets .
how i wish i could have done everything differently if i'd somehow known what is to happen.
i wish i never did let myself go .
i wouldn't have if i knew i'll never get the untainted me back .
regrets , deep heartfelt regrets .
unspoken words , spoken words .
actions both taken and not .
inflicting hurt and allowing to get hurt .
regret , is indeed a funny thing .
how i wish i could just start over .
CLEAN SLATE .
no mistakes made so no judgements would be passed .
is there an option to do nothing but sit and wallow?
guess not . .. ...
so i've no other bloody option .
i  HAVE to toughen up .
i HAVE to move on .
do i have it in me is the question ?
i guess i'll know soon enough  .
oh how i wish i was someone's loving hands to guide me through and coach me for everything so i would ace LIFE with flying colors .
but he's never going to appear is he ?
as long as i'm still a wimp .
he's never going to come for me .
i guess it's only because i've to learn .
live and learn , right ?
if only it's as simple as it sounds xxx