i can only take so much-

today is. . . Quiet my town. . It's too quiet. . . . I've been reaching out and nobody was there. Loneliness is the only thing so constant with me. People and their so-called affection are not. . Xx

From right to wrong, back to right to wrong again . .

"I tried to make you see, that you were all I need
I'd change my ways for you our lives spoke only truth
In time you'd make me see that you were there for me
I'd give my life for you. I'd give my best for you."

i'm selfish.

even when the people around me are hurting i put myself first in most situations.

i demand for attention, even when they should be the one in the spotlight i feel hurt if i don't get it.

i fear people not putting me first, because it means i don't matter as much. my presence would simply be a tittle in this world. i can just slip away and die and it wouldn't be felt as much.

maybe that fear of mine is why i am always seeking to be someone's number one, why do i love and bask in strangers' attention even when it's not healthy.

i need to get what i want. reasons as per above applies.

Well it's hard to explain but I'll try if you let me
Well it's hard to sustain
I'll cry if you let me
This doesn't change the way I feel about you or your place in my life
Can't you see I'm dying here?
A shot of broken heart that is chased with fear

I can't eat and I can't breathe
I wouldn't want it any other way

My heart burns through
My chest to the floor
Tearing me silently although abruptly
Words can't hide as I'm taking you home
And I tried to see
Tried to understand your words as I'm taking you home

i really need to find a place for me. i'm experimenting.

what do i really mean by a place for me?

a place where people would treat me how i wish they would without me telling them how to.

a place where people do treat me as equally as i treat and think of them.

you seem really happy. i'm happy for you. i just wish we wouldn't have this bridge of unspoken words between us. you changed me. looking back i was not the same person i was and i don't think i can ever go back to being her again. i don't even know this new me. who am i? now that's a question i'm going to puzzle my mind with till the day i die. =]

ranjie darling over and out xx

CONSCIENCE - you mean the thing that kicks in when there's no logical reason to behave the way people want you to? x

50th post

his kiss is the world and all the stars above.

I'm such a messy knot. Simplify me..

His organs are shutting down one by one....and it seems like just yesterday we were laughing and he telling me how evergreen he is. Why do people leave me? Why do people leave people? Must it be such? Will the world still spin and twirl when he has left? The worst part of having to say goodbye is finding the right words to say to others who would be losing him too. Death is so final. No wonder it's so morbid.

Physics was crap. Why do i hate people making promises and breaking them? Because it means you don't mean it. Doesn't that mean i don't mean as much to you as well? I wish i can put my heart on lockdown mode.



I just want to stab me. And let tears pour out of my eyes and mix with the blood gushing out. And taste that. Taste the sorrow the madness the chaos that resulted in such a pretty bloody sight.

Delay the pain for now, says Kaylee. Xxxx

i can't quite bid goodbye yet. If only i knew why..exams tmrw and i'm no where near completing my revision which sucks balls. If you happen to read this in time before our papers tmrw dear kaylee i'm so sorry i couldn't help you with maths. At this point i need some saving myself. I'll make it up to you after the exams. Money's tight so i can't call but more the reason for you to switch to digi =] love you and do mr.david proud! Haha. What does the rain signify? Different people have different interpretations. I wonder what mine is.. XX

at times, it kills me to be around you. Around people. People disappoint all the time. They're not random and their moves are so anticipated. Which is depressing because i anticipate the worst and that takes place..people live up to my worst expectations, am i supposed to be happy or sad about that? It kills me that they don't get me, my feelings but i do get them. Self-consolation is the only way i've been staying alive and sane all these years..what would i to do if one day i just wake up and decide that i can't take anymore of anything..would i still want to be a part of this world? Perhaps there is some place far more amazing for me. Perhaps a coma..people say the ones in a comatose condition are happy in their head. Now that's a dangerous thought right there. "Same shit different day" -ranjie, i long to belong xx

being psychic runs in the darling family. or perhaps it's just we're amazing and awesome like that we anticipate each other's next move? hehehe x

sometimes.

sometimes, i wish i would just forget to breathe.



weirdly enough it happens. maybe i want it to? i actually need to have the thought to breathe on several occasions. am i that suicidal including subconsciously?

there is nothing like inflicting pain on you. when the world caves in on you. and you have no where else to go. nothing else to do. smoking helps but you want the pain. so you cut. you try to cut deep but you're not looking for attention. i'm not. i just want to feel alive. to know that this i reality. this is life. pain is life. i'm alive. xx

maybe this is where everything leads to..

i hate my brain.


why do people say that thoughts are from your brains? i don't really like how it sounds i mean thoughts could be from your heart?

well IF thoughts are from your brain, i hate my brain.
i hate my thoughts.

they torture me.
abuse me in fact.
all for nothingness.

my thoughts wander a long and lonely road. o.O
my thoughts are scary and my thought leads to me hating.

hate me, blue october.

i love that song.

it means a lot.

to write love on her arms, hawthorne heights.

maybe i did find the guy who would want to write love on my arms. the knife is not that necessary anymore. because he fulfills the vacant space that used to give me aches.

baby,

this is my first post about you.
if you're missing me. good =]
because you've no idea how much i miss you.


hazy, rosy golan.

i dedicate that song to you.

if i forgot who i am, would you remind me?
that song is beautiful and i really enjoy being with you.
i like laughing. =]


~*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*~

the next part of this post goes to my new sister. =]
i have officially incorporated her to my family, the Darlings.

Ranjie Darling has just found herself a sister =] =] =]

Kaylee Darling, you're so cute and you make me feel good about myself. Like i'm not alone out here and my thoughts are not that creepy and scary. You help me find answers and i like that.


That same little birdie is still telling me that he thinks a certain sister of mine should get facebook.


heheheeh.
i love you both.

mwah mwah

xxxxxxx

i'm happy. yet i can't stop emo-ing

" The only thing i have to do in life is die.


Everything else is a choice with consequences




- including breathing.

do you mind a question?

the ones we have lost. . .

do you think they know how we feel?

how sorry we are?

how we wish things could have been different?

do you think they would understand?

how is one to go finding the answers... xx

a message for wern yi

a little birdie told me a certain someone should get facebook and stop stalking another certain person's blog as it may ruin the fun of posting when that certain person feels like posting something worth posting =] x