random ramblings

“When people ask me why it’s so hard for me to trust others, I ask them why it’s so hard to keep a promise.”

as you saw me tore
leaving you and me
just a memory-

"Was love catching, like a common cold? Or was it more like a virus that afflicted a person gradually, until the unsuspecting individual was sick with love, consumed by it, riddled by its aftereffects?

— Alice Hoffman, The Propable Future

"Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart.

— Yann Martel, Life of Pi

so i screwed up,
but someday i would make it up to you,
hopefully by then it wouldn't be too late?

"Sometimes I think I am out of my league, and then sometimes I think I can dream. Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish that you choose out of all in the sea.

— Hellogoodbye

'Was I ever truly over him? At one time I was sure that the answer was yes. But if seeing him again- and merely touching his hand- could peel back so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him the way you’re supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you’re with?

— Emily Giffin, Love the One You’re With

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

“Cared too much before to give a fuck now.”


so i read this somewhere ;

how do you deal with shit?
alcohol
what if you're broke?
sex

so true <3 <3 <3 i need sex? just before zoe gets back it sucks that i have the room and no one. and well i do have some alcohol but oh my fuck ranjie you need to study. for the past one-two weeks you've been stoned, wasted or plain lazying around. WTF!

"How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise"

please don't leave me . xxx

not again >.<

it's been 2 nights since we have broken up.
i thought i was fine that i was doing the right thing-

little did i know.

see i sat down and reflected upon why i wanted to be with him in the first place and everything came back to me. by then it was a little too late because i had already uttered the words that i told myself repeatedly to never say as you know how badly it would hurt..

ranjie darling is such a dumbass.

i, self destructed yet again.

see i allowed myself to listen to people. the same people i despise. and i forgot to do what i always do, talk to him after that.

but what pissed me off is he couldn't even believe me when i said his friend came on to me you know? guys are pigs. most guys are pigs. the way he came on to me just disgusted me and sent chills down my spines and flashes from my past appeared right in front of my eyes.

the only problem is i didn't have my knife. fuck i need it badly.

i told myself if i were to be in that situation again i would have slashed him or some shit.
i didn't. i couldn't. but i did say no.
and i'm proud that i did do that.



to know that he wouldn't believe me? that crushed me.

and he said when i went on that date it crushed him.
i just wanted to get back at him. like allow him to sulk and hopefully have an epiphany that he want me all to himself and if he wants me he should give him.


at this point i've no clue as to what to do while i give the world the smile i had always, have always and will always show, a melancholic smile. hopefully somewhere along the way someone would actually realise ranjie darling isn't happy. and someone would take my breath away.
and i wouldn't have to wake up every morning and face this cruel, ugly pathetic world.


seeing him hurts-
knowing i can't touch him hurts-
the fact keeps lingering that once i was with that guy, who was amazing to my eyes-


i wanted to be the first person for him.
the first person that would go " No, he isn't just an empty lusty human. he is a being who is capable of showing love, compassion and everything nice that comes with it to one woman he picks. with that he would've stopped treating the woman kind wrongly. "

little did i know i lost myself along the way.
where is that ranjie who would cry only on her own and never in front of people.
who is this whiny pathetic bitch.
i need the old me.
have i given up myself in order for a fight for a so called good cause?

i've absolutely no fucking idea.

is this love?
perhaps.
love does happen. xxx

i feel like crying. and stabbing me.

just one stab and see the blood gushing out. together with the pain i'm feeling. it will all just flow out. slowly. painless in the end xx

i said goodbye. .

but i really wish i didn't.

with every second since i said we should break up i've been dying to call him back and say i'm sorry i didn't mean it.

i just wish he wud go like no i love you be with me.

instead he said yeah okay.

dear ashraf,

you said you jumped through every hoop i asked you to.

maybe you didn't. maybe it wasn't enough for me.

i miss you quite terribly now. it's going to suck to be seeing you and not being able to talk to you. it's gonna suck to not to be able to hang out with you anymore. or take walks with you anymore.

i don't know which kills me more. to be with you or be without you. but i guess i have to find out. and hopefully i would last you know.

i love you.

i loved you.

but when i heard what you said to your friends about me.

i was like wow i'm just a thing you got and now you want to toss?

so i beat you to the punch.

i just wished you loved me the way you loved her.

i wished you showed me more of you instead of hiding you away or anything.

i told myself i would wait till tarun leaves to see whether wud things be okay again but i didn't have the strength. so help me. you're making it sound like you don't know why i broke up with you. i think you do. if you don't then you must be damn oblivious. or insensitive.

i miss you.

how long have i been in this storm?

14 hours and counting.

wow i suck balls.

I think I'm better off without this
I think I'm better off when I can't see your face
Who's taking my place?
It's been an hour since you left me
Just sixty minutes, and I am sure I'm fine
Just watchin' the time…

i just wish you would call me and say i need you back in my life ranjie but apparently i need to stop living in this fantasy world cause i know you wud never ever do that. i wud be the one running back to you.

fuck this shit i'm tired xxx

i read her email again.

it hurts but i need a reminder. =/ xx

it's amazing how 7 days can change everything.

"sometimes the past is something you just can't let go off.
and sometimes the past is something you'd do anything to forget.
and sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present. "

" all i need is this moment, in my mind i would recreate "

"this silence isn't so bad. .
till i look at my hands and feel sad.
because the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perferctly <3 "


6th december 09
- we took a break? i don't know sort of.

the following days
we've been hanging. talking crying being mad but still wanting to hang with each other.
it's weird. we weren't supposedly together but we were together. but we couldn't decide. hardest few days. but with all the happenings that has been taking place, it made things easier, on me at least. the gang is amazingly funny.

i love my old friends but it's nice not being the spoilt weird ass slut just for once.
everyone here smokes drinks and smoke up and have sex. i feel like an angel for once =]
which is nice because you feel like you belong. that's all i have been looking for the whole while long. somewhere i belong with people who doesn't make me feel like i shouldn't be who i really am.

it's just hard to explain. i love everyone i have and i'm grateful for every person in my life.

a lot of things took place =] like drinking everynight hanging out every night and somehow still finding the stamina to get up and smile and face the world while anticipating for the night again. gosh the flutters just knowing you're gonna hang . .

i can't really describe it but i'm trying.

i'm just happy with how things are at the moment i guess.
it's just what i pictured i would be.

except the bitchy roommie.




if only every second of our time spent together were recorded.
i long for the world to see how much fun i'm having.
i just hope it wouldn't end. =/


everything has it's way of ending.
as much as i wouldn't want to think about it i know i got to be prepared. .
i'm not going to let myself be hurt again.
to be hurt at the most unexpected moment.
i wanna expect shit all the time.


i wonder where my incorporated sister is? she's been missing for such a long time i miss her but i can't help wonder whether is the feeling mutual. .
i'm sorry i'm like that of an insecure person. you should already get me by now as you're the only one who acknowledges the mere existence of my blog =]




the international night was fun and eventful.
he dances, well =]

sometimes i feel like i'm not good enough for him.
i feel like i'm restraining him. ugh.
but i love him dearly <3

he makes me wanna be no one else but me. xxx

mood swings are bitches

to my dear bf whom i have been ranting about a lot for quite sometime,

i love you. and uhm i guess i'm sorry. mood swings happens i guess. blame the pills >.>

i used to like getting mad at you for fun sakes wishing you'd console me for cute sakes.

but we ended up really arguing so yeah that has gotta stop right?

i miss you.

and your hands.

and your kisses.

i hope to see you tmrw.

i'm still trying to ease up.

it's not fair i feel like a burden to you.

and i feel unlike me.

so 3 more nights to go before i tell you somethings.

and i'm waiting because i could go like " HAH! i kept quiet for ONE ENTIRE WEEK " =]

you'd still love me. mwahh xx

recomposing ranjie

nothing works out to my tune.

so it's just me who has gots to stop hoping.

so i wouldn't be disappointed as much.

i'm going to try a new thing ; to live without any expectations.

and i'm a full time dreamer so good luck to me! =] x

holy fuck~

" you wanna know how i could do such terrible things?"

" oh i know that stuff. unhappy childhood, sexually abused by a close relative, cutting or some other self-abuse, self-medicating, self-loathing, blah blah. everyone you ever met made you feel ashamed, ashamed of that ugly darkness festering inside you. "

" but i'm as sane and as healthy as can be "

that was from the mentalist. and WOW WHAT THE FUCK i might actually turn into her someday. being a serial killer or his/her's assistant. freaky~ xx

my happy ending?

everybody seems so contented so happy so blissful with how their lives have turned out to be.

except me.

i'm stuck in this whirlpool of depression that i could never seem to get out of.

i'm not ranjie when i'm around you.

and that hurts like a thousand icicles piercing my heart.

i don't want to change my ideas for your convenience..

this is not how i see myself being in love~

this love is taking it's toll on me?

i wish i weren't afraid of losing you. . .

at least in that way,

i would never lose that one person that had always, have always and would always stay with me ; ME.

rescue me..

she got herself facebook! I'm so proud of you *sobs*

I'm so bored.. I think i sorta did okie in my mqa subjects. Grats you =] Hopefully there is no repeating next semester..

I told him i don't want to be his number one.. When those words came out of my mouth i was surprised..then i realised i would never be so why bother demanding for it..

He makes me so happy yet at times it hurts so bad..how long do i want to endure this i've no idea.. I try to distant myself, just to make you happy..our ideas of relationship are worlds apart yet i wanna be with you. Why? "it beats the shit outta me" ..

I just wanna feel loved every second of the day..is that too much to ask for? It sucks how i have to ease up for him but he can't 'tighten' up for me.. I heard his explanation i did that's the reason why i bother trying but ... I just feel so broken and empty on the inside.. This is not how i should be feeling i know which is weird.. I just want to curl up and cry. I don't want to wake up and face this cruel world anymore. It just kills me. It eats my happiness little by little, and not like i'm that happy in the first place anyway..

Rescue me. I just wanna breathe.. Euthanasia has like such a nice ring to it.. Help me anybody?

I'm reaching out while my heads underwater and i struggle and i struggle hard but no one is there.. No one took my hand.. No one tried.. Why is that so? Maybe it's meant for me to realise i'm all alone and i have no reason to keep on breathing anymore..

Those who are dead are not dead they're just living in your head.

So i should go away..all in search of me, of someone who loves me, and somewhere i belong..

The only question that's left unanswered is, would i do it or would i not..

I wish it were that simple.. Xx