I was happy today.
Yes, appropriate tense was used.
They never bothered hiding their "relationship" from me.
So, why does it still sting?
Pride?
Unfulfillment?
In some sick twisted way, my mind works.
What if I'm not the being I claim to be?
Christmas 2012, aren't you a memorable one.
Hands were held and in the midst of everything, this heart bellowed, released from the rock it's been pinned under, tears of joy stinging the wound. xx
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
stay .
I'm not his dream girl.
He's not the man of my dreams.
Somehow, when push came to shove, we found each other.
Do we necessarily complete each other?
Maybe not quite.
Do we have to though?
To fight, or to flight?
Questions unanswered, uncertainties linger like a motherfucker.
Maybe this is it, maybe it isn't.
I've been unhappy in solitude-
Will this attempt be the end of me?
Or will it be a discovery of heaven on earth?
I'd suppose there's only one way to find out.
Moving forward isn't easy, oh no, sir, it isn't.
But then again what's life without love?
How do you find love if you don't seek?
How do you find him if you aren't willing to kiss a few frogs?
xx
He's not the man of my dreams.
Somehow, when push came to shove, we found each other.
Do we necessarily complete each other?
Maybe not quite.
Do we have to though?
To fight, or to flight?
Questions unanswered, uncertainties linger like a motherfucker.
Maybe this is it, maybe it isn't.
I've been unhappy in solitude-
Will this attempt be the end of me?
Or will it be a discovery of heaven on earth?
I'd suppose there's only one way to find out.
Moving forward isn't easy, oh no, sir, it isn't.
But then again what's life without love?
How do you find love if you don't seek?
How do you find him if you aren't willing to kiss a few frogs?
xx
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
i've been downhearted, baby .
twelve/twelve/twelve
Seemed like a day you could expect twelve bursts of fireworks randomly all over town & being presented with twelve stalks of the most beautiful roses each carrying a promise; twelve promises to travel through time together for twelve lifetimes.
To my dismay, it was just another passing day.
I somehow find myself still being disappointed by the ones I love, or claim to love.
The fact that it happens repeatedly doesn't amaze me, somehow.
It's how I can conjure all this angst, over & over again-
Then allowing it to diminish, then redeveloping them.
My greatest disappointment has to be my ownself.
For I feel,
for I trust,
for I yearn,
for then I cry,
and yet I try.
xx
Seemed like a day you could expect twelve bursts of fireworks randomly all over town & being presented with twelve stalks of the most beautiful roses each carrying a promise; twelve promises to travel through time together for twelve lifetimes.
To my dismay, it was just another passing day.
I somehow find myself still being disappointed by the ones I love, or claim to love.
The fact that it happens repeatedly doesn't amaze me, somehow.
It's how I can conjure all this angst, over & over again-
Then allowing it to diminish, then redeveloping them.
My greatest disappointment has to be my ownself.
For I feel,
for I trust,
for I yearn,
for then I cry,
and yet I try.
xx
Sunday, December 9, 2012
taking a chance on love .
it is that time of the month again, yes?
that's the only explanation as to why my cheeks are drenched, no?
can't my insecurities be fixed, like replacing the soles of your good shoes?
it is just unbearably hard to get through the day with these screaming thoughts and my guilt is simply getting louder than ever, "You think you'll get what you want by offering what you have? You really do? Don't you know who you are?" xx
that's the only explanation as to why my cheeks are drenched, no?
can't my insecurities be fixed, like replacing the soles of your good shoes?
it is just unbearably hard to get through the day with these screaming thoughts and my guilt is simply getting louder than ever, "You think you'll get what you want by offering what you have? You really do? Don't you know who you are?" xx
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
sweet nothing .
Watched this movie, "Seeking A Friend For The End of The World", brilliant film.
Quotes;
How could I be so stupid? ... How could I do this? I put my energy in the wrong places. I give my time to the wrong people. I mean, when I think of all the holidays I didn't spend with my mom and dad to be with some guy I used to know.
I think that's the reason I cannot settle for anything less than amazing.
I'm gonna do all the things I missed out on for so long.
I'm not gonna waste my time on the wrong person.
I'm not gonna waste my parents' time introducing them to some future stranger.
And no more days spent picking out what you're gonna wear for night that don't mean anything.
No more wondering whether you're with the right person, or if this is the guy that you're meant to have kids with. All those ridiculous questions. It's liberating, that's what is it.
Maybe you just haven't met the right guy.
I wish I'd met you a long time ago. When we were kids.
It couldn't have happened any other way. It had to happen now.
Got me thinking.
What am I the result of?
I mean, who are the people that made me?
Will I ever get to know them, to actually know them?
I just have all these questions in my head..these memories too..
Overwhelmed.
I know not how to proceed.
I am her, I'm probably just inhibiting myself.
xx
Quotes;
How could I be so stupid? ... How could I do this? I put my energy in the wrong places. I give my time to the wrong people. I mean, when I think of all the holidays I didn't spend with my mom and dad to be with some guy I used to know.
I think that's the reason I cannot settle for anything less than amazing.
I'm gonna do all the things I missed out on for so long.
I'm not gonna waste my time on the wrong person.
I'm not gonna waste my parents' time introducing them to some future stranger.
And no more days spent picking out what you're gonna wear for night that don't mean anything.
No more wondering whether you're with the right person, or if this is the guy that you're meant to have kids with. All those ridiculous questions. It's liberating, that's what is it.
Maybe you just haven't met the right guy.
I wish I'd met you a long time ago. When we were kids.
It couldn't have happened any other way. It had to happen now.
Got me thinking.
What am I the result of?
I mean, who are the people that made me?
Will I ever get to know them, to actually know them?
I just have all these questions in my head..these memories too..
Overwhelmed.
I know not how to proceed.
I am her, I'm probably just inhibiting myself.
xx
Monday, November 19, 2012
losing it .
Last night, my grandpa told me he no longer feels fit to be a part of this world. That feeling must have been festering in him for quite sometime for me to hear him utter such things. My world caved in, my recently-thawed heart sank. He's only 72... xx
Saturday, November 3, 2012
488 texts, a bunch of calls and a few meet ups later .
What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land.
-Ernesto Che Guevara
right from the start, it did not feel quite right..
my cells weren't feeling reciprocity.
maybe I liked the attention, maybe I liked him.
guess there are just some things we will never find out?
and that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I am fine, really.
That's what I think.
That's what I hope.
Life's brief candle, huh.
xx
Friday, October 12, 2012
lagoon .
PMS.
You know the reason is just a concoction of imbalanced hormones in your brain. (I think)
That doesn't make the pain any less real.
That doesn't make the feelings any less intricate.
Words!
They build, they bury.
The impact of those words obviously not arranged together carefully may leave others wondering what their wake would be like.
These words hurt, felt like an icicle piercing through the remnants of this life form, though I know not of that icicle, and its capability to injure. It simply seemed like the appropriate word to use.
What is expected of me?
Aren't I a being with the right to dictate my actions?
Why are those whom you find yourself surrounded with by force, the ones designed to be your pillars, the ones to cause your world to crumble, or well, crack it just enough so the rest of the world can dump in?
I remember this, "You're not even all that beautiful. With that little beauty you have also you're behaving like this, imagine what will happen if you're actually beautiful."
"Who sent you to class?"
"She did."
"Oh. So that means she's sleeping now of course", he snickered.
What have you, a mere tittle of nothingness, accomplished in your miserable life, for you to be giving out crude remarks?
Yes, I wouldn't be who I am today without her, them.
How long though?
How long, or how much will it take for me to repay that debt?
xx
You know the reason is just a concoction of imbalanced hormones in your brain. (I think)
That doesn't make the pain any less real.
That doesn't make the feelings any less intricate.
Words!
They build, they bury.
The impact of those words obviously not arranged together carefully may leave others wondering what their wake would be like.
These words hurt, felt like an icicle piercing through the remnants of this life form, though I know not of that icicle, and its capability to injure. It simply seemed like the appropriate word to use.
What is expected of me?
Aren't I a being with the right to dictate my actions?
Why are those whom you find yourself surrounded with by force, the ones designed to be your pillars, the ones to cause your world to crumble, or well, crack it just enough so the rest of the world can dump in?
I remember this, "You're not even all that beautiful. With that little beauty you have also you're behaving like this, imagine what will happen if you're actually beautiful."
"Who sent you to class?"
"She did."
"Oh. So that means she's sleeping now of course", he snickered.
What have you, a mere tittle of nothingness, accomplished in your miserable life, for you to be giving out crude remarks?
Yes, I wouldn't be who I am today without her, them.
How long though?
How long, or how much will it take for me to repay that debt?
xx
Friday, October 5, 2012
zimbabwe .
Which are you? A carrot, an egg or coffee bean?
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as when one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”
“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. “Which are you?” she asked her daughter.
When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I?
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.
If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
This is somewhat amazing. xx
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Why must I be thin ?
I've been rejected and I was dejected for a certain period of time till that grief turned into anger and I did what I do best, I wrote.
Why must I be thin?
Excuse me for being indifferent then.
And no, I'm not pro-obesity. The extremes of both sides are of absolute annoyance but really it is your life, your body. If you do not like what you see then look another way. Is that so hard, really?
xx
Why must I be thin?
To be accepted by society?
The fucked up one we're in where people turn their backs on each other, where children are raped, abandoned, sold and robbed of their childhood, the one that are in no way providing me any means to survive? People are killed, tortured, cheated and plundered every second in every single square feet of this world. For that society?To be loved?
To be able to 'score' a guy who judges you based on your exterior and nothing on the real substance you're made of: the pain and the scars that have been made, closed, reopened and worsened? That guy who'd dump me for the next hotter chick when my 'beauty' fades/adds and trust me, it will. For that sort of attraction?To be happy?
To not indulge in chocolates, cakes and any sort of ambrosial items we call FOOD and deprive my tongue and of course my heart of happiness? To purposely exhaust myself after a long and already exhausting day and well, life?To be healthy?
As in skinny people do not get any sort of diseases and they're somehow impervious to death? To prolong living in this vessel we call life or is it being alive? As if you've not been granted to do so all these while?To be alive....but not basking yourself in the richness of life itself?
Excuse me for being indifferent then.
And no, I'm not pro-obesity. The extremes of both sides are of absolute annoyance but really it is your life, your body. If you do not like what you see then look another way. Is that so hard, really?
xx
Saturday, August 25, 2012
conspirator .
Surely I can free myself from these chains.
These chains that I claim to be held down by.
Strength so overwhelming I'm apparently pinned with my face half an inch from the ground.
I'm jealous on days.
Then I tell myself to know better at night.
How can I cure myself when there's stupidity that is oh so stifling!
I check myself every step that I'm aware of.
All that effort, that sweat, that work put into bending my limbs in ways unimagined just so-
Just so I'd not be deemed worthy as opposed to some attention seeking cunts?
Has it become my nature to distrust every person I meet?
Did skepticism embed itself in every single cell that I'm made of?
Even towards these people I find myself surrounded by both voluntarily and not?
"Round and round we go.
When's it gonna stop."
I am living another life in my head.
I tell myself that's the life I'll be leading.
Surely I know it's nothing but a mere fantasy.
Childish, one would presume.
Will I get to where I want to be?
Is there some sort of switch or a glitch in time that at some very precise moment I'll know my life has taken a turn for the better?
In my head I see that supposed glitch.
That glitch I'm putting my head down now for.
That glitch I'm doing my best to deserve it when it comes.
That glitch..
That glitch....
One can only dream.
One can only hope.
" Hell is yourself "
xx
These chains that I claim to be held down by.
Strength so overwhelming I'm apparently pinned with my face half an inch from the ground.
I'm jealous on days.
Then I tell myself to know better at night.
How can I cure myself when there's stupidity that is oh so stifling!
I check myself every step that I'm aware of.
All that effort, that sweat, that work put into bending my limbs in ways unimagined just so-
Just so I'd not be deemed worthy as opposed to some attention seeking cunts?
Has it become my nature to distrust every person I meet?
Did skepticism embed itself in every single cell that I'm made of?
Even towards these people I find myself surrounded by both voluntarily and not?
"Round and round we go.
When's it gonna stop."
I am living another life in my head.
I tell myself that's the life I'll be leading.
Surely I know it's nothing but a mere fantasy.
Childish, one would presume.
Will I get to where I want to be?
Is there some sort of switch or a glitch in time that at some very precise moment I'll know my life has taken a turn for the better?
In my head I see that supposed glitch.
That glitch I'm putting my head down now for.
That glitch I'm doing my best to deserve it when it comes.
That glitch..
That glitch....
One can only dream.
One can only hope.
" Hell is yourself "
xx
Thursday, August 23, 2012
intro .
Possibly one of the most beautiful starry night I've ever set my eyes upon in all 21 years of my life. All I'm thinking is if I made the right decision to come here with those set of people.
I'll be better tomorrow.
I'll be a stronger me.
I'll be the best me I will ever be.
Yet these years go on hard.
These aches for the unfulfilled spaces in my heart.
Why are we cursed with the gift to yearn?
No one seems to be yearning for a strong person. No one I've met at least. Just makes you wonder, if I did it all again in exact opposite, will he appear? Or will I be happy?
- Turned 21 on the 15th of August and still starry-eyed. xx
Langkawi 2012, Saturday night.
Langkawi 2012, Saturday night.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
singing for the moment .
I was taught to bring my hands together in front of my chest and chant a prayer, or two.
I never questioned why but i remember at the age of 13, my friend told me that we're living inside a certain God's stomach, was it? That's the first time I said to myself, "This is bullshit."
It's my 21st birthday today and I'm happy for the cakes, presents & love that I've been(and yet to be) showered with.
Everything seems to be going on fine but this thing that my mom is doing......
The need to bring me to a temple for 'blessings' of some sort.
Even after telling her that I do not believe?
She insists of taking me to temples and centres to show me how beautiful it is and how the people are.
Mindless, brainless, people.
That amaze me, they definitely do.
If you're one of those who are able to believe in some invisible, higher power without seeing it with your own eyes, then I tip my invisible hat off to you.
I don't think I am privileged enough.
I've been to numerous classes.
Preached to in different ways and of different religions too.
I've never been at peace with it.
Praying, believing.
When they make me pray,
I feel nothing.
I feel no fear, no joy.
Dead.
Is that what praying/believing is supposed to make me feel?
Am I supposed to just keep on pretending for their sakes, to make them happy?
How long is one to keep that facade up?
People have been praying for centuries long and where have that brought us?
A land of neverending sunshine, rainbows, angels flying around us with their harps?
I prayed once too.
I believed once too.
I was not protected from the evils of the world.
Then they told me keep praying, it'll give you the strength to endure the evils.
If I pray and I'll still be hurt, and if I don't and the same happens, what does it do?
I decided to just believe in myself as at the end of the day, I can pray to the invisible "deities" all I want, but what good does that do me, when I do not have the courage to get out of bed every single day?
Pray, God is always there for you.
To hell with that.
I AM ALWAYS THERE FOR MYSELF.
Not you, not him, not her, not them, but ME.
How is that vanity?
That's being a realist.
So tell me then you theists-
is God omnipotent, but unwilling?
is God the epitome of benevolence but then unable?
If we can't appreciate the good without the bad, will you trade places with those who are literally dreading being alive?
For the hunger is so immense their mind and soul are drained out of their body.
For the hurt is inexhaustible that every second of being alive is nothing but torture of the purest of forms
Has God, the almighty, the saint, the everything good incarnate, forsaken them then?
I'm sorry but I refuse to believe.
I simply will not let myself believe that my life is predetermined by some "thing" and every action, thought, emotion that I have is all mapped out by "God".
My life will not be any better if I believed.
By me opting not to believe I'm sure "God" has nothing to lose as well.
To any one who is reading this right now, I'm not here trying to tell you why YOU shouldn't believe. I'm telling you why I don't believe. Big difference there.
Just wish the world would realize that it is more than just alright to take the credit yourself.
You got what you wanted by your own hard work and effort? Go, you! I'm definitely proud of you!
xx
I never questioned why but i remember at the age of 13, my friend told me that we're living inside a certain God's stomach, was it? That's the first time I said to myself, "This is bullshit."
It's my 21st birthday today and I'm happy for the cakes, presents & love that I've been(and yet to be) showered with.
Everything seems to be going on fine but this thing that my mom is doing......
The need to bring me to a temple for 'blessings' of some sort.
Even after telling her that I do not believe?
She insists of taking me to temples and centres to show me how beautiful it is and how the people are.
Mindless, brainless, people.
That amaze me, they definitely do.
If you're one of those who are able to believe in some invisible, higher power without seeing it with your own eyes, then I tip my invisible hat off to you.
I don't think I am privileged enough.
I've been to numerous classes.
Preached to in different ways and of different religions too.
I've never been at peace with it.
Praying, believing.
When they make me pray,
I feel nothing.
I feel no fear, no joy.
Dead.
Is that what praying/believing is supposed to make me feel?
Am I supposed to just keep on pretending for their sakes, to make them happy?
How long is one to keep that facade up?
People have been praying for centuries long and where have that brought us?
A land of neverending sunshine, rainbows, angels flying around us with their harps?
I prayed once too.
I believed once too.
I was not protected from the evils of the world.
Then they told me keep praying, it'll give you the strength to endure the evils.
If I pray and I'll still be hurt, and if I don't and the same happens, what does it do?
I decided to just believe in myself as at the end of the day, I can pray to the invisible "deities" all I want, but what good does that do me, when I do not have the courage to get out of bed every single day?
Pray, God is always there for you.
To hell with that.
I AM ALWAYS THERE FOR MYSELF.
Not you, not him, not her, not them, but ME.
How is that vanity?
That's being a realist.
So tell me then you theists-
is God omnipotent, but unwilling?
is God the epitome of benevolence but then unable?
If we can't appreciate the good without the bad, will you trade places with those who are literally dreading being alive?
For the hunger is so immense their mind and soul are drained out of their body.
For the hurt is inexhaustible that every second of being alive is nothing but torture of the purest of forms
Has God, the almighty, the saint, the everything good incarnate, forsaken them then?
I'm sorry but I refuse to believe.
I simply will not let myself believe that my life is predetermined by some "thing" and every action, thought, emotion that I have is all mapped out by "God".
My life will not be any better if I believed.
By me opting not to believe I'm sure "God" has nothing to lose as well.
To any one who is reading this right now, I'm not here trying to tell you why YOU shouldn't believe. I'm telling you why I don't believe. Big difference there.
Just wish the world would realize that it is more than just alright to take the credit yourself.
You got what you wanted by your own hard work and effort? Go, you! I'm definitely proud of you!
xx
Friday, August 3, 2012
stranger .
What I miss most at this very present, very precious minute will be the electricity zapping at the ends of my neurons setting them off in all sorts of directions causing my heart to race, my breath to be short, my mind to lose its ability to focus, my voice to lose all desire to be heard and my knees to not want to keep me upright any longer. Yes, that I miss.
i am weakened.
i went back to my ways;
bled a heart out. xx
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
close to me .
Don't know how to react.
Don't know what to think
Do know that I'm not expecting.
Do know that I'm not ready to be disappointed.
But who am I kidding.
Who am I to be giving anyone these flutters?
Who am I to be loved?
I'm to be ridiculed.
I'm not perfect.
I'm all yours to loathe. xx
Don't know what to think
Do know that I'm not expecting.
Do know that I'm not ready to be disappointed.
But who am I kidding.
Who am I to be giving anyone these flutters?
Who am I to be loved?
I'm to be ridiculed.
I'm not perfect.
I'm all yours to loathe. xx
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
now i know .
I've always had this problem. Temperament.
I had this friend when I was 12.
She pointed it out.
She made a chart.
I get one smile on days I'm doing okay?
Frowns otherwise.
Can't really remember her system.
Michelle, that was her name.
Just a little something that was stored in my subconscious and it crossed over somehow.
I've always been moody.
That's something I'd have to live with, if you can't cure it. xx
I had this friend when I was 12.
She pointed it out.
She made a chart.
I get one smile on days I'm doing okay?
Frowns otherwise.
Can't really remember her system.
Michelle, that was her name.
Just a little something that was stored in my subconscious and it crossed over somehow.
I've always been moody.
That's something I'd have to live with, if you can't cure it. xx
feed me .
I'm afraid you've been fucked and thrown away so many times you've gotten used to it.
My life isn't worth memoirs.
Your life will basically become a carnival of pain.
Now, when you can't stand it,
not one more day,
not one more hour,
it will get worse, much worse!
It's so easy to be careless. It takes courage and character to care.
Some of us believe that we can make a difference. And then sometimes we wake up, and we realize we failed.
Some lines off Detachment. xx
My life isn't worth memoirs.
Your life will basically become a carnival of pain.
Now, when you can't stand it,
not one more day,
not one more hour,
it will get worse, much worse!
It's so easy to be careless. It takes courage and character to care.
Some of us believe that we can make a difference. And then sometimes we wake up, and we realize we failed.
Some lines off Detachment. xx
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
don't wake me up.
i fear sleeping.
i fear being awake.
uncertainties linger.
dissatisfaction, its best friend.
i fear myself.
i fear those around.
what's dying like?
forgot where I watched/read this and it goes something like "How do you know you're not afraid of dying, you've never tried it."
definitely not the exact words.
we hear & reminisce only what we'd want.
i feel guilty fantasizing about a future i might never have.
that means i'm unhappy.
that could also be me jinxing it?
maybe that's why i'm single, i'm not in my fantasies?
if that even makes any remote sense.
but then again i find comfort in them.
an escape from my dreary, bleak and bleached life.
wanderlust.
consumed by wanderlust.
thirst for everything.
yet some will say nothing.
i will not be exiting this world without being granted the opportunity to love, and be loved, right?
xx
i fear being awake.
uncertainties linger.
dissatisfaction, its best friend.
i fear myself.
i fear those around.
what's dying like?
forgot where I watched/read this and it goes something like "How do you know you're not afraid of dying, you've never tried it."
definitely not the exact words.
we hear & reminisce only what we'd want.
i feel guilty fantasizing about a future i might never have.
that means i'm unhappy.
that could also be me jinxing it?
maybe that's why i'm single, i'm not in my fantasies?
if that even makes any remote sense.
but then again i find comfort in them.
an escape from my dreary, bleak and bleached life.
wanderlust.
consumed by wanderlust.
thirst for everything.
yet some will say nothing.
i will not be exiting this world without being granted the opportunity to love, and be loved, right?
xx
Friday, July 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
intouchables .
morbid this,
morbid that.
trepidation this,
trepidation that.
laughter this,
laughter that.
watching that movie made me want to learn French again.
If I finished Level 1, barely or not, that's something, yes?
Never finishing anything; always quitting.
Yes, that definitely sounds like me.
Ghost pains,
a term I came across in the movie.
"I don't feel anything, but it's still painful."
Words are eerily powerful when you've stringed them.
xx
Sunday, July 1, 2012
blood trickles .
I'm officially a psycho.
tonight I've given up.
i was broken down, hypocrite-d and now stamping myself cuckoo.
i.
am.
a.
nobody.
i.
deserve.
to.
suffer.
i.
need.
to.
die.
xx
tonight I've given up.
i was broken down, hypocrite-d and now stamping myself cuckoo.
i.
am.
a.
nobody.
i.
deserve.
to.
suffer.
i.
need.
to.
die.
xx
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
majestic .
and not.
my highs and lows are getting out of control.
i know it's just a matter of setting my mind right.
i try and i try, yet i try.
i'm not escaping my lows.
my highs are skyrocketing as well.
i'm both the ends of a magnet bar.
i'm both the faces of that coin.
i'm both heaven and hell.
i'm both black and white.
i'm indecorous.
what is becoming of me =/ xx
my highs and lows are getting out of control.
i know it's just a matter of setting my mind right.
i try and i try, yet i try.
i'm not escaping my lows.
my highs are skyrocketing as well.
i'm both the ends of a magnet bar.
i'm both the faces of that coin.
i'm both heaven and hell.
i'm both black and white.
i'm indecorous.
what is becoming of me =/ xx
Saturday, May 19, 2012
dragonette .
where do i even begin?
It's a never-ending whirlpool of feces I find myself drowning in.
One thing somehow always leads to another.
There are days where everything just goes wrong and then there's traffic topped with traffic lights that awaits only you to turn red, salt to the wound much?
Highs, I'll be soaring.
Lows, I'll come crashing.
Days and nights, they're moving at the uttermost, ridiculous, snail-like pace solely to drive me insane.
But time, oh weeks and months are passing by quicker than a ninja.
So engrossed in front of the computer, the abyss of this century and probably all the ones to come.
Demotivated, desolate.
All I look forward to is to close my eyes, hide under a blanket and fantasize about my perfect future.
Even that I can't seem to do peacefully anymore.
The price I've to pay.
Bloody bedbugs.
You'd think it's funny but trying sharing your bed with them for months.
You can't get a proper nights' sleep.
You crave for a good rest but dread your bed.
You itch, and you itch, and itch till it hurts.
I'm the only one getting bitten.
Is that why no one is doing anything to help me?
How do I teach myself to be here?
I want to be in the present, I want to excel.
I want to be the best ME I can be.
But my head is always in the cloud.
My mind, leading another life.
My body, surviving this one.
Am I stuck halfway?
That 'in between' place people hear rumors about?
Confidante-less,
I light one,
dreaming of paradise.
My paradise.
I had that one person to run to.
She has left as well.
I'm stuck in this world.
So cold.
So alone.
Everyone seems to be getting the chance to get up and change up.
I'm still here.
xx
It's a never-ending whirlpool of feces I find myself drowning in.
One thing somehow always leads to another.
There are days where everything just goes wrong and then there's traffic topped with traffic lights that awaits only you to turn red, salt to the wound much?
Highs, I'll be soaring.
Lows, I'll come crashing.
Days and nights, they're moving at the uttermost, ridiculous, snail-like pace solely to drive me insane.
But time, oh weeks and months are passing by quicker than a ninja.
So engrossed in front of the computer, the abyss of this century and probably all the ones to come.
Demotivated, desolate.
All I look forward to is to close my eyes, hide under a blanket and fantasize about my perfect future.
Even that I can't seem to do peacefully anymore.
The price I've to pay.
Bloody bedbugs.
You'd think it's funny but trying sharing your bed with them for months.
You can't get a proper nights' sleep.
You crave for a good rest but dread your bed.
You itch, and you itch, and itch till it hurts.
I'm the only one getting bitten.
Is that why no one is doing anything to help me?
How do I teach myself to be here?
I want to be in the present, I want to excel.
I want to be the best ME I can be.
But my head is always in the cloud.
My mind, leading another life.
My body, surviving this one.
Am I stuck halfway?
That 'in between' place people hear rumors about?
Confidante-less,
I light one,
dreaming of paradise.
My paradise.
I had that one person to run to.
She has left as well.
I'm stuck in this world.
So cold.
So alone.
Everyone seems to be getting the chance to get up and change up.
I'm still here.
xx
Monday, May 14, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
=/
=/
how much longer? =/
this is not a happy home.
this is not a child of a happy household.
this is a girl who is sick and weary of everything that has been coming her way.
and tonight.
this is her.
for all the nights, this has been her.
x
how much longer? =/
this is not a happy home.
this is not a child of a happy household.
this is a girl who is sick and weary of everything that has been coming her way.
and tonight.
this is her.
for all the nights, this has been her.
x
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
mind your manners .
Well, you were wrong, weren't you?
I'm a realist.
That's just another name for a quitter.
You can call me what you like.
Don't you get it? We failed.
"Failed."
There are plenty of others willing to call you a failure.
A fool. A loser. A hopeless souse!
Don't you ever say it of yourself.
You send out the wrong signal.
That is what people pick up.
Do you understand?
You care about something, you fight for it.
You hit a wall, you push through it.
There's something you need to know about failure, Tintin.
You can never let it defeat you.
-The Adventures of Tintin
xx
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
not all alright.
was i coerced into 'growing up' by the situations i was born into?
mistakes-
when you overcome a hurdle, or so you'd think-
they'll come around knocking,
reminding you of your imperfections,
demanding to be dealt with, again.
just finished the last paper of my first year.
this rush of accomplishment overcame me.
nothing lasts forever-
and in my case it has always been this thing called 'happiness'.
haven't you taken enough from me?
have i not proven myself over and over and over again?
when will i be deemed as worthy?
these questions never left.
"i got nothing left inside of my chest"
xx
mistakes-
when you overcome a hurdle, or so you'd think-
they'll come around knocking,
reminding you of your imperfections,
demanding to be dealt with, again.
just finished the last paper of my first year.
this rush of accomplishment overcame me.
nothing lasts forever-
and in my case it has always been this thing called 'happiness'.
haven't you taken enough from me?
have i not proven myself over and over and over again?
when will i be deemed as worthy?
these questions never left.
"i got nothing left inside of my chest"
xx
Sunday, April 15, 2012
knee deep .
staring at my fingers- staring at the keyboard.
i do not know what to say.
though i know what i feel.
i can't quite tell you what's it like.
but i know what's it like to be me.
days so long, days so dreary.
this humdrum heart, no longer feels.
for what seems like ages-
perpetually doomed being i suppose.
i tell myself i deserve more.
that i will find him, happiness, clarity.
but the things we tell ourselves can be our truth.
xx
i do not know what to say.
though i know what i feel.
i can't quite tell you what's it like.
but i know what's it like to be me.
days so long, days so dreary.
this humdrum heart, no longer feels.
for what seems like ages-
perpetually doomed being i suppose.
i tell myself i deserve more.
that i will find him, happiness, clarity.
but the things we tell ourselves can be our truth.
xx
Monday, April 2, 2012
i hold nothing .
annihilated, she tries no more.
that recurring memory, pains.
that pain, consumed her.
i don't know where to go.
i do not know who to turn to. x
that recurring memory, pains.
that pain, consumed her.
i don't know where to go.
i do not know who to turn to. x
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
i just want it all .
slipping.
sinking.
on some nights.
here i am again..
that need arises..
that need to slit.
that need to break.
that need to drown.
drown all of me.
press me down.
don't let me up.
raining on the inside.
where is the guy everyone has been telling me about?
he is supposedly to come in with an umbrella.
shielding me from the rain.
the world's piss. xx
sinking.
on some nights.
here i am again..
that need arises..
that need to slit.
that need to break.
that need to drown.
drown all of me.
press me down.
don't let me up.
raining on the inside.
where is the guy everyone has been telling me about?
he is supposedly to come in with an umbrella.
shielding me from the rain.
the world's piss. xx
Friday, March 9, 2012
if you run .
i ain't never been with nobody like you.
Ali(2001)
and baby, baby, you ain't never gonna be with any other.
Ali(2001)
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
stay awake .
momma, i think i'm stronger.
for my sorrows are not getting in the way of my life.
for my tears are being held back at almost all costs.
for my insecurities are quite well masked.
for my depression the world no longer sees.
for my sake, she's taking on the world.
for she knows, she has to be okay.
for she knows, she'll go down trying. xx
for my sorrows are not getting in the way of my life.
for my tears are being held back at almost all costs.
for my insecurities are quite well masked.
for my depression the world no longer sees.
for my sake, she's taking on the world.
for she knows, she has to be okay.
for she knows, she'll go down trying. xx
Thursday, February 2, 2012
sopa business.
When I first heard about sopa, i was genuinely bummed but I never gave it much thought. One of those things I didn't need to stress about, so it went to the 'check later' folder I have somewhere in my head.
Still don't think I can do much about it.
Reminds me of Harrison Bergeron though.
Maybe someone did predict the future.
The Mayans were right perhaps, or Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
A lot of ideas floating around, only one way its gonna turn out.
xx
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
railway .
turning 21 this year.
supposedly marking the year i'm officially an "adult".
crying vehemently.
why, oh, do tell me why?
never at peace with herself.
every day trying.
pushing herself.
forcing her to become a better, her?
hearts too heavy.
its locked and buried in the bottom of the sea.
but i still find myself walking around with a very, very long chain.
nobody speaks her language.
all alone in a foreign land.
foreign to her own self too.
who is this person i see?
i share her body, which we both quite hate.
i share her thoughts, which we both drown in.
i share her tears, which we both feel the bitterness in each drop.
i share her heart, oh, that icebox she calls her heart.
i share her soul, which we both fear has been sworn to eternal pain.
who is in me?
she's broken you know.
her head shows her nothing but the past.
her body drags her around, surviving the present, in hopes of a better future.
xx
supposedly marking the year i'm officially an "adult".
crying vehemently.
why, oh, do tell me why?
never at peace with herself.
every day trying.
pushing herself.
forcing her to become a better, her?
hearts too heavy.
its locked and buried in the bottom of the sea.
but i still find myself walking around with a very, very long chain.
nobody speaks her language.
all alone in a foreign land.
foreign to her own self too.
who is this person i see?
i share her body, which we both quite hate.
i share her thoughts, which we both drown in.
i share her tears, which we both feel the bitterness in each drop.
i share her heart, oh, that icebox she calls her heart.
i share her soul, which we both fear has been sworn to eternal pain.
who is in me?
she's broken you know.
her head shows her nothing but the past.
her body drags her around, surviving the present, in hopes of a better future.
xx
Monday, January 23, 2012
lies i heard, lies i told .
There's nothing more to life than love, is there?
and you are out there somewhere, aren't you? xx
Monday, January 16, 2012
disintegrate.
how do you compete?
how do you be the best of the best?
when there are already the lot of them right there.
in every area i think i'd excel, or supposedly win or something.
i'm severely lacking.
falling behind.
forever lurking around in the shadows.
will my time ever come?
or have i not done enough.
am i not on par with the rest of the world?
so many pretty girls.
so many smart ones.
so many decent ones.
so many slutty ones even.
beautiful, and whatnot.
if we had a scoreboard to rank everyone in this world, why go so far in this state, where will i stand? =/
crushed.
and they say, that's just how the cookie crumbles.
xx
how do you be the best of the best?
when there are already the lot of them right there.
in every area i think i'd excel, or supposedly win or something.
i'm severely lacking.
falling behind.
forever lurking around in the shadows.
will my time ever come?
or have i not done enough.
am i not on par with the rest of the world?
so many pretty girls.
so many smart ones.
so many decent ones.
so many slutty ones even.
beautiful, and whatnot.
if we had a scoreboard to rank everyone in this world, why go so far in this state, where will i stand? =/
crushed.
and they say, that's just how the cookie crumbles.
xx
Saturday, January 14, 2012
!@$!#%
fuck offfffffff =/
get the fuck out of my fucking face you're breathing down my fucking neckk just fuck off already you digsust me =/ get the fucking idea already =/ xx
get the fuck out of my fucking face you're breathing down my fucking neckk just fuck off already you digsust me =/ get the fucking idea already =/ xx
Thursday, January 5, 2012
here by me.
"i wished i could open my veins and drain his cursed blood from my body."
"i'll be alright. i have you"
sleepless nights.
the past will always be within you.
scratching on the insides of your skin.
trying to find its way out.
despicable me.
it is so hard to think about tomorrow.
when all i wish for is the present night to be my last.
she wakes to a dark morning.
she sleeps to the darkest of nights.
and in between those dark hours,
she goes from one second to the next.
trying to maintain equanimity.
is that a way for one to live?
xx
"i'll be alright. i have you"
sleepless nights.
the past will always be within you.
scratching on the insides of your skin.
trying to find its way out.
despicable me.
it is so hard to think about tomorrow.
when all i wish for is the present night to be my last.
she wakes to a dark morning.
she sleeps to the darkest of nights.
and in between those dark hours,
she goes from one second to the next.
trying to maintain equanimity.
is that a way for one to live?
xx
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