bass down low .

shopping .
with a guy .
that was my first .
we went to times .
then 1u .
in one day .
then 1u again the next .
and the look on his face , lights ME up .
when he got his supra .
it was just indescribable .

and at 1u today . he dragged me to the changing room and i was just standing while he took his shirt out in front of me and people were just like o.O or like wow kinda thing . i have to admit i kembang-ed big time .

and he said this after the whole day putting up a long face .
he said i don't know how come you're tolerating me .
all my ex gfs they sure fight because i'm like this .
but you , you just have so much patience for me .


i flied high =P
he's ,
not entirely what i see in a guy i will admit that we have very different opinions and views . i guess the age gap does contribute to that issue but he really sayangs . and that's all that matters to me at this point . i know we're not going to be like this forever . i might not want to see him anymore after january . i'm just enjoying this a day at a time . he's still amazing though . bloody amazing .

my first new year with kathy . shit . friends for so damn long but we never spent new years together . and all i want is just a kiss from him . i met ashraf again . and somehow , i only feel sad when i talk to him over the phone . not when i see him . i've lost all urges to touch him or kiss him . and i put john first .

but i'm a pathetic idiot .
i get so lost in a person and the only way i'll redeem myself from him is  if i get completely lost in another person .

miserable ?
pathetic ?
weak ?

not really . just wanting to be loved . just want a loving hand . some affection . and attention . xx

cry me a river

last night i broke down .
i had nothing but the comfort of my teddy .
the hectic weekend and sleep deprivation might have contributed towards the breakdown but it was definitely one bound to happen .
that was me .
that was ranji not hiding behind all the fake smiles and laughter .
this whole happy facade is taking a toll on me .
and all i could bring myself to do was cry .
cry for my mistakes .
cry for my actions .
cry for my tragedies , myself .
nothing but regrets .
how i wish i could have done everything differently if i'd somehow known what is to happen.
i wish i never did let myself go .
i wouldn't have if i knew i'll never get the untainted me back .
regrets , deep heartfelt regrets .
unspoken words , spoken words .
actions both taken and not .
inflicting hurt and allowing to get hurt .
regret , is indeed a funny thing .
how i wish i could just start over .
CLEAN SLATE .
no mistakes made so no judgements would be passed .
is there an option to do nothing but sit and wallow?
guess not . .. ...
so i've no other bloody option .
i  HAVE to toughen up .
i HAVE to move on .
do i have it in me is the question ?
i guess i'll know soon enough  .
oh how i wish i was someone's loving hands to guide me through and coach me for everything so i would ace LIFE with flying colors .
but he's never going to appear is he ?
as long as i'm still a wimp .
he's never going to come for me .
i guess it's only because i've to learn .
live and learn , right ?
if only it's as simple as it sounds xxx

right the stars .

that was the song playing on my phone via his speakers . 
i just got back from melaka . 
but i was only gone for about two days .
two days of which he did call .  =]




he gave me a pendant .
i was like " omg it's a fairy....i love fairies how did you know o.O "
and he was like yeah who doesn't love them . they make people's wishes come true and you always make mine come true like my fairy so this is for you . 
and he smiles his smile . 
i choked silently just saying it's beautiful . 
he said i know , never lose it . 
i promised i wouldn't .


aaand he went to put his clothes into the washing machine -____-
all this was before the cute i miss you mms he was to send . xx


and this is a picture of it =] 

weight of the world .

this is i .

this is me .

this is called , coming clean . 

i spend most nights crying .

crying when i know the world is asleep .

and i weep .

i weep my heart out for this broken world .

family , friends , strangers , foes . 

treachery , betrayal , trust issues , money issues , ego issues , man that's a lot of issues .

enough to shake me from the core . 

this world i know isn't perfect . 

everyone's killing me . 

its making me sad, beyond it really . 

sometimes i wonder why do i weep for even persons unknown . 

oh would somebody lift the weights ? 

it's heavy , and it's getting heavier on my heart as the days go by . 

i tried pretending . 

but really at one point the mask will fall off . 

how do you deal with shit ? 

families to enemies . 

friends are now loathed .

lovers who are non existent . 

i've so much love left to give in me .

i know it . 

but i'm filled with hate , disgust and confusion . 

in the famous words of rodney king , 

"can we all just get along? "

will you help me? 

help me HELP me . 

for one day i'll get tired of being my own pillar . 

and that's when i'll breakdown into pieces . 

right in front of all of your eyes xx

runaway .

my head's not where it's supposed to be .
i need to look for strength .
strength within me .
i got to look deep .
deep in me .
deeper than the ocean of troubles . 
i've got to sink deeper.
deeper and deeper to find the buried treasure . 
i will not die . 
i will not drown . 


right ? x

random quotes saved in my drafts .

‎"I'm that girl that's always happy -- the one who never has problems, and when I do, they don't get to me. Everyone sees me as the one they can count on to put a smile on their face because as far as they know, I always have one on mine. No one looks any deeper than that."

In my bed I sought for weeks
whom my soul loves and found it not.

"But man is not made for defeat," he said.
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated."
-Ernest Hemingway 

perfect nightmare .

firstly i guess i'd have to apologize for suddenly not allowing a single soul to read my blog .

if there's anyone who's actually really following it anyway .

there was a line in this series i follow ; and it said something alone the lines of do not let anyone know what's in your heart, ever .

and i guess i did take it seriously .

i was tired of everyone somehow thinking they know me , yet they don't actually .

so why bother even letting anyone trying to comprehend my constant empty ramblings .

but it took me quite sometime to remember the initial reason of me starting this blog .

" i hope someday , someone will randomly stumble upon this blog . and that someone will cry reading me in misery , and laugh in content seeing me happy . that someone will also let me know that i'm not alone in this world "

and that's something i'd like to live for , it's sort of a , dream ? that might or might not come true . so from here on i guess i'll be posting all the previous posts that i had saved in my phone or the drafts or whatnot .

just so you may know ,

ranjie darling ,

is ,

indefinitely ,

broken . xx

they all , lie .

THANK YOU GOD , thank you for your darkness.

you live , just for another day .

you breathe , just for another day .

nobody hears you when you pray .

and your heart is broken .

and nobody hears you .

you're running out of life .

and to die is easy .

cause nobody hears you .

you breathe for just another day .

you love , just for another day .

this fucking world

cannot erase the pain I FEEL . x

so, that's how it's like .

23november2010

somewhere around 5.45

after that whole intense pissed off session . i told him . he said so what now i don't know what to do . i said forget it then . he said i'm a fucking coward and walked off . i cried . he came back . we spoke . i made it clear . it was magical ? i think ? the next second he was just like , on me, i was on karam's bed he was on top . we kissed ? made out ? uhm . it was nice ? his scruffy beard and moustache . haha . uhm . yeah . for like a minute ? maybe less maybe more ? cuz someone came out of his room . and , he kissed my forehead and went off . and i joined him in his room with everyone else . yeap =] so , since i've no one i'm allowed to tell cuz i'll hate him then cuz he's probably make my life living hell . so i'm saying it here . his hands pressed mine against the bed too . when i tried to touch his body . cuz i guess he thinks i was going down there? so that was bad . =D but it was still what i wanted . i wanted to know what's it like to just have a taste of his lips on my tongue  xx

one in a million .

we've been getting close, and closer .

it's like every single tiny detail we'll dwell .

deciding on letting our feet touch .

or our hands .

or playing with each others' hands .

or fingers.

or just touching .

like ,

i like making these tiny decisions .

it's nicer .

makes everything more, indulge-able .

like how when we went out for lunch with my brothers under the table he kept stepping on me and we kept touching under the table? that was super sweet . or when it was just me and him and super short shorts he saw my cuttings and my messed up hair and he just played and touched me softly. everything was , perfect .

calls. texts . =]

he's perfect .

he's so fucking perfect . xx

rehab-

"you're the reason why i'm thinking

i don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more "

he texted me . saying he misses me . i thought i was going to fall for it . for the first time , i waited , i thought , for hours , before i replied . and i feel good . =]

it's been a crazy week. going to kayangan heights like 5 , well 6 tmrw days in a row . but it feels so good to spend time with the cousins . like they get it . and they allow me, us to vent . and feel good. and that we're not alone . and at this point , that's all i need .

no i won't deny the fact that he was a good father , just a failure as a man .

and i will admit i'm hurt , even if we're not on talking terms . i'm just really sad, disgusted, disappointed, etc . but like fuck it i just want him gone . and i am going to learn how to not hurt =]

never seen him blow up in my face before . it was kinda hot =P

he makes me happy, his smile drives me insane .

i feel, special .

oh well .

for everything that went down between us , i am truly sorry . i wish i were a different person sometimes too with different emotions and different perceptions or different ways of taking things but this is me . and it's easier being truthful than pretending and accumulating hate and disgust of my own self in me . i truly wish you happiness, you're a good person and you deserve it .

is this who i am ?

is this everything i'd ever feel ?

emotions-

buried .

i can do so much better .

i know i can .

i know i will .

but i just want another day,

another day to cry ,

another day to cut ,

another day to wallow .

but i can't afford that .

no i can't afford in relapsing .

i'm toxic .

and my favorite thing to do is self destruct .

but no i can't return .

i can't return to who i am trying not to be anymore .

and i will succeed .

xx

chicken scallop with cheese =]

ben's bday . oh god what a day to remember . it was really nice and all . and then , there was the part where he did the thing i've always dreamt of it being done . like at gai3's wedding but there was a picture and i tried finding but no i didn't get a picture but it's like embedded in my head .

i stood . he stood in front of me . we were talking , eye to eye . and his hand came over and was holding my chin , to wipe cake . but it was so sweet . and it was like his hands, my chin , everyone staring . i was completely lost in the moment . and the hug after i puked? *sighs* and it's eid today again . the last eid was when i started falling HARD for him . as soon as i woke up i texted him . and he called me . and he was sleepy and i was sleepy so we did the whole prom night talk again . it was heavenly . *sighs again* so many things to write . so many things i don't want to forget . but there are so many things . and so many emotions . and so little time .

my babies are leaving =/

i heard exaggerations .

i got mad .

still telling myself it's not worth it .

so fuck it .

being happy is not a problem, finding reasons to be happy is .

imisshimandallhisscent'sandwhatnot. xx

hold you .

your smile, your laugh ,

the way you look at me I can't get enough .

a simple look makes me smile

a little smile makes me weak inside

the smallest touch and im flying high

but let me go and ill never feel right inside .

the way you walk, the way you talk ,

the way you got my mind and heart at war .

if I was to try and make you love me ,

would it push you away ?

because without you its hard to breathe .

when my head hits the pillow all I dream is you and me .

me and you, you and me .

my heart is a cage and you are the key

set me free and fly away with me.

xx

Unwritten law, unspoken rule .

i can soar up so high,

and then i'll come crashing .

i burn . i'm burning within . everything's on fire .

i'm merely denying my instincts to act like a total crazy bitch .

or well,

perhaps it's just these thoughts , that i'll never get to act out .

emotions run wild , yet prisoned in me .

thoughts not escaping my lips ,

why do they do this to me?

Thirst . . . self-generated, by your filthy thought and hate .

The ugliness, the chosen one , the dirty insanity you've inside .

As you spit in my face, as you blacken my name ,

You turn clean, you feel clean?

Feeding your own smile, light-sucker from your eyes.

I am the horrid you repulse, the leprosy you despise .

You NEED me to exist .

mistake, repeated .

disgusted? not entirely .

i'm so fucking flimsyyy AHHhhh i disgust me . =/ x

this is for you =]

I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.

and i guess i'm having another ranjie moment . ugh . x

holding on .

Another me replaced myself -

Another her replaced my love .

once i've decided , i'm good .

a girlfriend's apparent betrayal i do not really tolerate .

they're supposed to be there , and mend you , and it's them assholes who break you apart .

but you did .

you've no idea how badly you did .

you chose someone else over me .

telling yourself you didn't probably helps you sleep at night .

but i know what people are capable of ,

and you are people .

so you did tear me .

and i'm done with you .

i truly am .

i'm just being nice at this point .

honestly i don't want any future association with you .

i was in pieces . you shattered me further .

now i picked my own self up , and i want you to fuck off .

so we had something .

you chose everything .

it's up to you whether you think if your choice was a mistake or not,

but i sure hope you don't regret it .

but i'm gone .

you can go have fun .

i truly truly . don't want to bother =] x

ashtray .

he looks me in the eye .

he wants to know what makes me happy .

he does know that he does, doesn't he ?

it was . a mixed up kind of day i guess . but finally being able to have some spare time to actually post it up . hala and dana . dana and hala . i'm going to be bored and depressed when they leave = /

thanks to my own tom & jerry i've been able to keep me busy and not dealing with some bullshits. =]

i told him he had an eyelash that fell .

he picked it up .

and he made me make a wish .

and i blew it away .

he smiled .

i shied away .

this whole ashraf thing . a mistake was made . it's actually coming true . i've outgrown my feelings for him ? or at the very least i'm outgrowing them . but i've not completely reached where i wanna be . i still have hate . i still have jealousy . a shit load less , i deal with these emotions better now . but , the fact that they exist bug me .

when i feel his skin on me ,

my hair , my hands ,

i melt . he's so , perfect .

where i am is where i put myself once .

and now it's just about me getting out, alive.

hey, i'm human after all . i have to put myself first at times .

he asked me over for a movie ,

at the place where it all started .

i expected more out of all of you . shallow people . x

do you got me ?

nobody gets it .

nobody sees through me .

all this bottled pain, confusion, anger and sadness .

would someone pick up on me?

oh how badly i want to be relieved of the ability to feel .

i've just lost my will .

i'm simply losing my way .

by day i'm chirpy-

by night my name's misery.

everything is just so difficult .

expectations of me AND my expectations of others .

every action hurts .

sometimes even breathing hurts .

when will it be enough ? x

i had you .

don't push me ,

for i already am at the brink .

don't pull me,

for i need to bounce back on my own .

don't love me,

for i don't have it in me to love you back .

don't hate me,

for it is when i least deserve your love is when i need it most .

dear friend,

i know we've never been the kind to promise to stick with each other till the end of time. but you, you were my sister. i can only assume what i've done to piss you off so, but it is not fine with me. how you look at me & away . when once it was looking at me & showing off that content like smile that would make me feel less of a lonely girl. i can only write here. for the world would then know that you don't want me to be a part of your world anymore, and that simply seems like the end of us as i know it. loneliness really building up in me. i only wish i saw this coming. did i hurt you that bad, friend? i'm still trying . am i pushing you? am i losing you? when should i give up ?

love,

friend.

or perhaps ex friend .

i long for serenity.

i know i'm not making utmost use of my time, my means, my capabilities, but i'm stranded . x

even the rain can't put me to bed .

is this what it means to be all cupid struck again?

sleepless, long nights .

time seem to go by slowly when we're apart ; and to my dismay it flies when we're together .

his voice seems to be my hymn , my favourite tune, for it's all i look forward to listen to again, and again, and again .

his captivating smile, his eccentric style and not forgetting his out of this world slang .

your eyes, your poems, your endless stories, your home making skills and your enchanting laugh makes everything inside me do a little dance .

a little dance for joy ,

a little dance for fear ,

a little dance for you .

what else entices me has to be your ways ; a kid one second, a man the next .

oh boy what else can a girl do , when she's fallen for a him who's you .

everyone's like, it's so weird to see a happy ranjie .

hahahahaha .

perhaps it is .

perhaps i like the change .

a change within me ?

it feels good being able to feel good again . =]

he looked at me today , and went like damn girl you're like superwoman .

all cuz i was like would a laddu cheer you up ? haha .

ben said if he doesn't like me he wouldn't have spent all these time with me .

but still there are doubts, doubts that fills the vacant spaces between hope and happiness .

xxx

right above it .

10 September 2010 .

it had it's up and it's down .

i don't want to forget anything. so i'll write it here . =]

woke up . got to atheera's house for her open house .

was fun . i really enjoyed myself . we had some issues then . = /

that sucked . and when she vented, i felt like i was always taking shit like this from everyone .

but then i realize i do it too =]

so i get where she's coming from .

we might have said a hurtful thing or two to each other .

but i know everyone has their own battles .

everyone has their own issues .

i get mad . they get mad .

and what matters is at the end of the day,

if they don't run to you,

who else would they do?

you can only hurt the ones you love, yeah?

it was raining . i was pissy . i didn't want to smoke up .

but i couldn't drive so we ended at john's anyway .

and . i let myself into his room . and i took a short nap on his bed .

and he came in . and i heard him . so i woke up . and we just spoke .

he was rolling, i was rolling on the bed =P

we were just talking about everything .

and it was amazing .

and we blazed .

and then we spoke some more .

and if i could type every single thing, i definitely would . =]

he showed me his old poems that he wrote . and i was completely blown away ?

he writes well, beautifully in fact . beautifully in pain .

and he opened up to me .

and he wanted to get to know me . =]

it felt right ?

i know i shouldn't get all excited over nothing ?

or too quickly at least ?

but,

it's been ages since i've felt such .

and perhaps i'm sick and tired of feeling nothing but miserable and hate .

and well i've liked him from before anyways =]

i was just too blinded with a dick to allow myself to look at others .

and this fb page just appeared like when i checked it before posting this .

" When you finally let go of the past, something better comes along "

and i've missed him, for sure .

but i'm coming around to acceptance that i'll never be theirs , again .

and i've not been putting the blame on me as much anymore?

changes . x

she ain't right for you .

They will say that I spend all my days chasing a love that she
Took away but I feel what I feel

-marcy gray x

one day .

"I’m not brave any more darling. I’m all broken. They’ve broken me."
Ernest Hemingway (A Farewell to Arms)

is that what they mean when they say everybody is fighting their own battles ?

perhaps i simply don't want to anymore . xx

Questions .

why did you wear the mask?

why did you tell me lies?

why did you step into my life?

why didn't i see you through?

why did i get fooled by you?

why did i trust the snake?

where did you go?

why did you go?

why did you leave me all alone?

what did i do?

what did i say?

should i be the one to blame?

why did you disappear?

why did you fall in fear?

didn't you know what was inside of me?

didn't i warn you?

didn't i try my best?

didn't i know that it would end up this way?

Those questions? they come around .

it's like one minute i'm fine and the next i'm not .

when i'm feeling mad i figure i'm over you .

and then it turns into sadness, which i drown in .

you're off galavanting .

you're shoving everything straight up my face .

what pleasure might you get from this?

but i will move on .

and i will potray a strong me .

i will not show you how badly you've hurt me .

you and all of you too . x

what if i kissed you right now?

i miss you- you'd been all to me.

i miss you- your touch and way of speak.

i miss you- your eyes, hair and skin.

why and who- took you from me? xx

You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never loses. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?

reblogged x

anguish .

sometimes,

even words can't describe the pain you feel .

betrayal . over and over .

same story . different people .

is this how everyone will be ?

black hole sun,

won't you come .

and wash away the pain ?

won't you come .

won't you come ?

your secret is all i am.

your past is all i am.

how do i want to just cut my ties with you and diminish .

with all of you .

i got shit faced.

but we have such amazing moments when it's just you, me, and our place . = /

xx

It's like my mind knows what's right but my heart is being retarded and still cares.

copied off kathy's =] x

my Sunshine .

how long am i going to allow myself to be degraded to such an extent?

acknowledgement. recognition. title.

you can give that to the whole fucking world, not me .

not me when the world is present .

as i sit across you all i wanna do is scoff .

scoff at your lies .

as i sit across you all i wonder is do you know how much you've hurt me ?

how much you're hurting me ?

and i know .

i know for a fact that i deserve better-

that i don't need to put up with your bullshits .

and i see myself soaring up so high without you .

i see myself free, escaping your evil clutches that suffocates me .

i see myself happy, so carefree , without you .

and all i have to do is pick up your calls and i'll be stuck where i am at again .

super massive black hole .

i'm a weakling .

i disgust me .

and i don't deserve breathing .

i hate every second for i seem to be failing every second .

lies, masks , hypocrisy .

i hate what i've become .

i keep standing here .

i keep sowing these seeds that never grows .

still i wait .

sayang,

how do i crave for you to give me back my value .

for you to rescue me .

so i wouldn't be this ,

this ugly person .

say the word .

make me yours .

and i will do ANYTHING ,

just to be able to confidently say

at least i'm loved . xx

all she wrote .

it never stops raining.
with daggers sewn through her heart she cries.
filled with confusion she cries.

"no one can help me, until i can help myself.
and i can't help myself."

frozen throughout, exposing broken skin.
one week, one more week.
she can't take anymore burning in her mind.

"why can't i sever your head? why can't i sever your memory?"

the image that burned through her eyes has made it on to the mirror.
broken glasses reflected the shards of the past.

forcefed memories walking on tacks, please pull the knife out of my back and i'll pull the knife out of yours.
"you can't stop the rain" , she says .

"you can't stop the rain. "


it's my birthday tomorrow.
and i woke up feeling bleak.
another year.
another year just passing me by.
sink me, kill me, eat me. xx

save tonight -

it's kinda funny .

how people never seem to learn their lesson .

i never do , he doesn't too .

i am back to where i am , months ago .

sometimes ,

i have the urge to just cave in ,

to an invisible higher power .

wanting to be like most people ,

dumping their problems and finding solace .

stubbornness .

my main problem .

oh well .

ranji,

has to learn to let go ,

and stop living in the past ,

and stop thinking ,

about EVERYTHING that they did .

you've been here over and over,

you know everybody talks ,

nobody sticks to their word .

so buckle up ,

it's going to be a ride x

parachute -

Someone close left you behind
you were filled with sorrow,
you were crying all the time.
You were lost in your own world.
You were dreaming in deep sadness,
couldn't break free.
Now you have to be strong.
Face the future, do not hide.
You don't have to be afraid.
Open your eyes for tomorrow.
You remember all the things you've done.All these memories kept you crying.
Let it go!
Go on, don't cry. You have tomorrow.
As the light leads the way, you will follow.
You're lost into a world of sorrow.
Don't close your eyes for another day.
You see the past as present time.
You have to find a way to let go, break your chains.
All this grief has gone too far.
try to get a grip on yourself, or you won't last.
You remember all the things you've done.All these memories kept you crying.
Let it go!
Go on, don't cry. You have tomorrow.
As the light leads the way, you will follow.
You're lost into a world of sorrow.
Don't close your eyes for another day, another day, another day.

you only know who have your back when you're in dire need of team ranjie =] x

stateless.

Every girl has that one boy that they will never fully get over. The one that gives them butterflies when ever someone says his name. The one you compare every guy to. The one you cry over and over about keep hoping that there’s still a chance for you to be together, and no-one can understand why him? The one everyone thinks you can do so much better even though you don’t want to. The one that keeps you from falling in love because you keep hoping that there’s still a chance for you to be together.

reblogged. x

murdered.

you know that feeling when he smiles at you?

he makes you feel so special.

it's as if he sees through you and nothing else matters at that point anymore?

he builds your trust.

he showers you with his love, his tender affection.

and then one day he blindfolds you.

takes you somewhere where only the both of you exist.

he opens your blindfold and you inhale a sharp breath, you've seen heaven.

he lays you down on this bed.

ties you down.

*butterflies in your tummy wondering what's to happen next*

he takes this towel, he puts it on your face.

and then he just keeps pouring water nonstop.

you try to scream, but more water keeps going in.

you're hurt.

you want him to stop.

he keeps on going.

he overpowered you.

there's nothing left to do.

except die.

and just when you're getting there.

he resuscitates you.

and he does it again and again .

till you just wish he'd just leave you dead already.

the last thoughts flashing through your head would be nothing but dismay, disappointed.

for he was not what you believed he is.

but somehow you're just too stubborn to see what he really is .

yeah . you're murdered bitch x

you can be my Superman .

and that is true, baby .

we've had only good moments for the past two weeks.

two blissful weeks .

and he keeps reminding me that he loves me .

your kisses mean the world to me .

if only i could share with the world every single detail, you'd see where i'm coming from . but then again it feels like my haven .

this was saved in my draft yeah? how those seems so far away, yet again .

i know i'll never be the same again. =]

i changed after one, doing the exact opposite.

and i guess i'll change again.

still in the quest of finding out who i am i guess.

i have all these views on how i see myself yeah?

but i am nothing i expected myself to be.

sometimes it's like i don't even know who i was, who i am, and who i'm to be anymore .

a series of events,

is all i need to get here .

a better series of events,

is all i need, to get out of here.

"please don't forget to call me just to let me know you're doing okie away from me. "

_ summer's song-dear juliet _

sometimes i wonder why aren't i getting back what i give .

and then sometimes i'm like but that means you're not giving selflessly-

which i would like to believe i am,

but with the episodes taking places,

really would you answer me , who ever you are ,

what did i do so badly ,

that i don't deserve being happy?

to me, you'd always be perfect .

even if the world thinks you're flawed from the core to the out . x

run..

saw a picture of him kissing someone else.

how could you?

i went cold.

i threw up.

how. could. you?

the same cycle you're repeating.

the one you promised never to repeat.

you and your lies.

you kill me so . . x

alone.

would that day ever come?

a picturesque view in my head .

a windy, stormy rain i will be lost in .

he walks steadily towards me.

gifting me with a smile that brings out the sun in me.

saving me.

*would you be my saviour?

*would you realize that i'm hurting badly within?

*would you see past my fake laughs and smiles?

*would you ensure me that everything is going to be alright now, now that i've got you?

scars,

hidden .

Sorrow,

masked .

only you can take it all away . x

you're the best in the whole wide world .

Desolated and silent-
Absorbent and enveloped the night-
Penetrating the thought in an only pain-
Shut in the suffering memories-
Eyes in flames, defeated eyes .

is this where it all ends ? i hope so . i truly truly hope so .

i don't want to be living in a pretend world anymore .

a world i built, to put myself at ease.

xx

you said we wouldn't be apart .

Sorrow, has overwhelmed her mind-
Hollow, is her life of some kind-
Shadows, lives within her heart and-
Follows, till death tears her apart .

i may not know what your past has been like.

i may not take away the pain and the hurt that you feel.

but i do wish ever so dearly that you could see me for who i am,

not a distorted picture of your past. xx

bipolar me .

twisted & torn .

cold & alone .

like walking back 'home' at evil lurking hours,

hurt, dejected, figuring ways to simplify the world.

is this me? i see someone looking back.

the same confused, dazed eyes.

the same exterior,

the same weary smile.

*thoughts consumes her

*loneliness lingers around her

*she's hit with the sudden question ;

do i bring misery to myself, and others too?

i just want to break free.

i just want to run for years on end.

i don't want any more ties.

i don't want to burden anyone, anymore.

would a simple slit solve my problems?

but knowing that i wouldn't get to live a contented,

a satisfied life, hurts more.

"everyday, in every way, i'm getting better "

all that's left to do is simply believing in it . xx

this one is for her .

can we let the world fade away?

can we let time stand still?

nothing lasts forever.

i know now what the future holds for me,

what more you?

have you ever lied on the floor,

staring at the shiny dots in the distant sky?

have you ever dipped your feet in cold running water,

with fishes nibbling at your toes?

i believe that everything in life is an illusion,

and it will disappear into thin air one fine day.

no matter how old we get,

no matter how far apart we maybe,

no matter if we're still friends or merely passing strangers,

do know that at one point,

your presence made a difference in my life.

and i can only wish upon the fluttery lights

that i mattered too . x

his infinite kisses .

do you know how harebells look like?

pale, blue, dainty, shy.

do you know how the galaxy looks like?

shiny, bright, never-ending, amazing.

if only words could describe this tingly sensation that is felt in my membrane.

you make me wiggle my toes and squirm around.

not for you spook me, but for i just want to explode into tiny little mini me's.

your scent, your skin, your touch, your beating heat.

and how can i exclude your smile, your laugh, your eyes, cheeks, oh baby, just all of you.

i'm out of ways proving you me,

but even if you hate you,

know that i am,

head over heels,

upside down,

inside out,

madly and crazily,

in love with you.

i know not why you?

i know not why love you?

i know not why believe in you?

i simply know your infinite kisses answers every doubt i'd ever have. x

morning light .

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

i guess i'd accept that =] x

every word you say i think

we can't keep away from each other can we?

he's still not all that considerate . but jojo said for a cocky guy like that to admit that he misses me is a huge step .

i don't know .

everyone says i should stop thinking . and just have fun . but i'm so, flimsy . i disgust me =/ xx

sing to me .

used, prodded, chucked, defeated, murdered.

i can't let this mask fall off, but i don't have the energy to pull it all together anymore. will i ever get to run away again? the responsibilities. the people. the ties. it's all getting a bit too overwhelming. i'm suffocating again. i just want to break free. i love you. i love them. but it all hurts. and i don't want to be here, there anymore. i can't deal with anything. i just need to find my backbone again. all i'm requesting for is time. spare me some time, some space, some love and some understanding.

so i can stand before all of you, and look you all in the eyes, and say it with my head held high, that i'm fine. but would that day ever come?

what does it mean to be over a love?

am i not supposed to cry when i see him?

am i supposed to be smiling whenever he's mentioned?

am i supposed to not be wanting to see him, or call him?

am i supposed to just not think about it?

am i supposed to not feel any more hurt, or jealousy?

am i to announce that i'm not in love . . ?

for if that defines being over a love, i'm far from it aren't i?

you are not whom i thought you were.

you are far from whom i expected you to be.

filthy.

and i am dumb enough to think there was more to you?

but my heart still peels away those hardened layers every single time. xx

i could use a wish right now .

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite me thinking that it is impossible.

copied off liy.

xx

you're my muse .

you can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went,

you can swear and curse the fates.

but when it comes to the end,

you have to let go.

-Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons

looking back to where we were,

looking at where we are at.

is this what it has come to be?

none of us giving in to each other.

a battle of egos,

leaving us nothing but tears and frowns,

a heart still wanting to be fixed.

is this how we should remember us by?

seeing you hurts.

thinking of you hurts.

not seeing you hurts.

talking to you hurts.

not talking to you hurts.

it's all so bizarre .

it's all so fairly new .

perhaps i'd be contented only when i learn the truth.

was i the queen of your heart once? or am i just another trophy on your shelf?

xx