it has come to this

"The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them"

so i type in vain,

for all my effort,

for all my tears,

for all my money

and

for all my time-

has led to a total zero.

i suck that badly.

i would never be good enough.

not a good enough daughter, girlfriend, best friend, granddaughter, student, and every other role i'm supposed to be playing.

i just never saw this coming.

i was actually contented at some point.

like i did everything i can think off and something would definitely result yeah? apparently not. is it that difficult to love me?

i'm so broken.

and nobody cares enough.

i just want to be rescued so badly because i know i don't have the strength to go on alone. shit's just too hard.

what did i ever do to not deserve even a slice of this thing called happiness? i am so tired. so tired of waking up everyday and going through the same bullshit.

i'm not someone special.

i'm someone whom you can just toss aside easily.

i've been degraded to that extent.

maybe i really should have just jumped off the penang bridge.

at least i wouldn't be hurting anymore.

i just want this pain to stop.

i wanna breathe again.

i wanna feel happy.

is it really too much to ask for?

perhaps i just don't deserve it. . x

real international day

the night before i went out with ashraf and renise.

and well i got pissed again.

his words. they just weren't right.

i felt hurt.

and so i came back.

and i lied on my bed for 2 hours before i downed half a bottle of cough syrup and went flat on the couch for an hour.

in that two hours i came up with a speech.

which i did deliver.

and shit didn't turn out okie at first.

but then to think about it now,

i'm not sure whether it would've made even a tiny bit difference.

i still feel like crying just thinking about what happened.

i went so freaking weak.

i let all my guard down.

and i just broke down.

in front of a person, what more a guy.

and thinking about the shit i said, the shit i did.

makes me want to cry even more.

so are things resolved?

no they aren't.

do i feel better?

perhaps a good night's sleep would help.

i don't know who i am.

i don't know what i want.

but i know i'm unhappy.

i'd strive,

strive for the things i used to have.

because i still remember the days where i used to go to sleep smiling.

and i missh that so much.

i just wish i can make myself happy.

because humans hurt humans.

I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

and i didn't want to write today.

but with my memory,

i just need to remember this.

the reason i came up with this blog is to vent out my feelings like i used to do it.

and now i've intertwined both.

which well i hope is a good thing but-

he doesn't want it.

so yeah. xx

my grandpa turns 70 today.

i love my grandpa.

without him i don't think any of us could have made it this far.

i truly do look up to him.

and if he leaves this world,

i wouldn't quite know what to do anymore.

i grew up with him.

he's always been around.

and i always want him to be around.

i need him around he's my pillar.

i can't help wonder what did i do so wrongly that i don't deserve feeling happy.

i really just cried and cried and i've just been crying everyday.

i just feel so depressed even i don't know why anymore.

i looked at myself in the mirror and i feel like killing myself more.

no wonder i'm so alone.

my looks scare people away i guess.

not pretty enough to have someone want to be around me.

not nice enough too.

i just want to talk to someone.

i just want to hang around someone.

doing things allow me to stop feeling so bloody lonely.

solitude.

fucking solitude.

i want to be able to meet someone at night and lie down on the floor or my car and smoke and talk and feel happy.

i miss doing so.

and i thought i had the chance.

i screw everything up.

i'm a screw up.

how am i to see myself 10 years from now when the mere idea of thinking of myself 10 days from now scares the living daylights out of me. =/

xxx

an escapade. .

one of the reasons why i sulk about not having a best friend or a boy friend is cause ;

i want an escape.

i want to have a place to run to.

just to keep myself sane.

because not everybody is obliged towards me.

but a boyfriend could be.

and he could be my bestfriend.

i just would want to call him and talk or just drive over and hang.

cause i hate being here so much.

nobody's there for me.

nobody wants to be there for me.

what do i do when i've nothing and no one?

i go to bed wishing i would never wake up again. x

say ahh =]

every night we talk ,

i get this delusion that you've changed.

that you're a nice person.

but the other 3/4 of the time i spend with you,

you're just an asshole to me.

so am i supposed to keep hanging on for that 1/4 of niceness?

and i told you.

and you got mad at me.

isn't that unreasonable.

you want me but you don't want me.

as much as i like getting laid,

i feel so cheap.

because i only am being acknowledged during those night hours.

so you say you like to keep your shit personal.

i'm not asking you to make a broadcast that you're doing me.

everybody gets to write shit on your facebook, except me-

people text you people call you,

but you get pissed when i do-

i've been hanging around telling myself i'll put up with anything just because i know how important it is for you to pass your exams but i'm just so exhausted of thinking of ways i can make shit easier for you.

and you're not being a teeny bit sensitive towards me.

i give and i give and i give

and i feel so naked.

like i've nothing left.

you're an amazing guy.

i just shouldn't have been stupid to fall for you.

or keep waiting around for you to miraculously sweep me off my feet.

i miss being someone's.

i miss my alien space monkey and star days.

i miss just lacing my fingers around yours just cause it felt perfect such.

unrequited feelings sucks most.

xx

who am i anymore?

This blood turned into tears
A broken heart runs my body
Dripping forth until I give my life
I have become a sacrifice
It hurts me just to think of you
I void the pain that is unbarring
(To know that I take these sufferings from you)

cute without the e

it's not that you hate me,

or want me to die.

but maybe i go home,

and think of suicide.

i'm in too much pain to survive on my own-

the hurt i can't handle overflows to a knife.

i write on my arm,

i want to give up on my life.

it's been what, a week?

a lot took place.

holidays.

sex.

alcohol.

family.

friends.

i did so much. over this one week cny holidays.

yet i find myself returning to this same dark hole.

this small sanctuary of mine.

where all i do weep. and cut. and scream.

i'm one confused bitch.

p/s : i'm up to 7 now.

xxxxx

bewafa**

Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind
I can't stay here another night-

________________________________

I can't change who I am.
Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me.
And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.
My love wasn't enough.

________________________________

I hate me,
For breathing without you.
I don't want to feel anymore for you.

________________________________

I dream in darkness
I sleep to die,
Erase the silence,
Erase my life,
Our burning ashes
Blacken the day,
A world of nothingness,
Blow me away.

_______________________________

Do you wonder why you hate?
Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?

_______________________________

i'm off to kedah tomorrow.

i wouldn't have my sharp knife.

i wouldn't have this diary of mine.

hope i have the strength to go through any shitty moments there.

because breaking down and crying is an option i'm trying to eliminate-

xx xx

Hatred burns within my veins towards your wretched kind

" Humanity what have you ever done for me?
Denounced and cursed since my birth for I am not like thee

my mom's mad at me again.

and everything just came back flooding through my head you know,

like an arrangement of dominoes. push one down and everything falls apart piece by piece.

she said she's just sad that we're her kids. mainly me duh i'm always a disappointment.

never once i ever felt like i somehow managed to measure up.

i feel so broken and empty and shallow-

and i had a nice day.

well to be honest i did laugh and all..

but i always feel so ugly and dejected and unwanted.

i laugh with a small voice in the back of my head going like you know this is not true.

oh please would someone just shut that voice out?

that voice,

that voice i hear,

doesn't allow me to differ from right and wrong.

what's real and what's not?

like i'm just an extra baggage that people need for a certain usage?

or people really do like me?

their world wouldn't be affected even by a bit if i just somehow disappeared off the face of this planet?

or would they truly miss me?

it's like i allow myself to get attached to people.

and by doing so i allow myself to get hurt by their actions.

i try so hard.

i really just try to do what i can.

to get people to like me? or truly like me? i don't know.

like i got a valentine's gift for him.

sorta.

but it's not like he's going to be bothered?

i mean gosh ranjie face facts.

and so i reach out.

i scream so loudly in my head.

trying to drown out that voice i hear.

but i can't.

and so i grabbed a knife.

" In an orgasmic rush of pain I mark my coming in crimson strays

to think that i was so happy earlier.

all i had to do was to call up a person who thinks i'm clingy and return to this shit hole. xx

valentine~

he said hi.

i wonder why.

but we spoke for abit and the whole time i was just out to get him.

trying to make him feel bad.

yeahh that didn't work as well as i expected.

i ended up feeling bad-

i'm a dummy i know.

so i ended up calling him yeah.

and went over.

just like those days.

i told myself so many things on the way there.

ranjie,

don't touch him.

don't look him in the eye.

don't sit by him.

don't let him get in your car.

don't look happy.

and most importantly,

don't let his lips press against yours.

don't let his fingers lace yours-

and wow i failed everything.

it felt like a dream.

a dream that i wish wouldn't have to end.

it was one of those moments where i wish time would just freeze, just like when i was at mines. i wanted to cry just thinking that after this amazing moment we have to move on with our lives. that didn't exactly work out for me did it?

so well yeah-

the reason this post is called valentine is because, he asked me.

"will you be my valentine "

and 19 years that was the first time someone ever asked me that. even if it wasn't as sincere. even if it was more like an obligation perhaps? i just had to close my eyes. for i fear my tears will stream down my face and i don't want to look anymore vulnerable than i already do.

so well yeah,

i had fun.

as much as i hate to admit it.

he's still an ass.

but somehow things looked different.

he looked better, happier.

i'd be there eventually. xx

i'm not okay

a friend told me i look better now. i look happier. ohh if only that were true.

i pull myself together around people. i try extra hard to be happy and perky-ish.

i could be okie one minute and a total wreck by the next minute.

so the answer i'm dying to tell people when they ask me " how are you " is

no. i'm not okay. i'm trying to be okie. but i seem to be failing miserably. i just want to be held in someone's protective arms and i want to cry my heart out. because i'm really falling apart. and i don't even know why. i just feel so sad all the time.

like somehow everybody has moved on and i'm stuck living in the past with nowhere to move forward to.

so yeah. i'm not okie now. i don't know when i'd be okie. but i know that i'm trying to be okie. x

if i were invisible for one day...

i read that question somehwhere on facebook.

and i was wondering whether if i had to answer that.

honestly,

i would say i would jump off a building or something so people wouldn't notice me till i'm dead.

seriously.

robbing a bank sounds cool but all the money in the world would only attract more negative shit which would get me depressed. maybe i'd rob a bank and stash it for my family before i die.

such a long day.

i met this guy i like but he has a girl. how sad.

and.

i know where ashraf is coming from now.

he doesn't want to text me because he doesn't like me.

so the texts he gets from me are probably extremely annoying.

and he would like roll his eyes and just ignore it.

so yeah.

i never knew what that felt like before.

i guess i'm still mad because well one of life's greatest riddles, where did all the feelings go?

aih . i'm so so so tired.

i just feel so miserable.

everything's depressing.

nobody's available for ranjie darling.

is this how shit is supposed to be? x

i hate you so much.

this explains perfectly.

"...because we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy there are cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want another city, I like this city....And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad and you don't just give up!...And I'll try to relax, let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits, and I know I'm no day at the beach...And ultimately, isn't that what it comes down too? What a person is made of?...i love you "

and i know i'm young.

and i know you're young.

but ah fuck it it's all in my head.

i hate you for making me go and start over.

which is something i don't want to do.

it's hard.

i just wanna dip my heart in concrete.

and say fuck it.

why do people do serious drugs?

it annoys me to hook up with someone like that.

everything has to be in moderation.

some sort of balance.

blah fuck it who cares.

i'm so tired.

and i can't even find the words to describe my feelings.

which is exactly what this blog is created for.

all i want for st.valentines day is ?

xxx

arghhhhh

Imran

Hey

4:37pmRanjie

uhm. hey .

4:37pmImran

is it that wierd to talk to me?

4:38pmRanjie

haha sort of.

you been missing for a long time

4:38pmImran

its okay le

4:38pmRanjie

it's just unexpected that's all =]

how are you

4:38pmImran

Im fine thanks

and yourself?

4:39pmRanjie

i'm fine

4:39pmImran

You sure?

4:39pmRanjie

what do you expect me to say then o.

4:40pmImran

Im just making sure..

4:40pmRanjie

that's sweet of you

but yeah i'm okay =]

how's things for you? your gf's very pretty

4:41pmImran

aw

thanks

ill make sure ill tell her that

4:41pmRanjie

haha no problem .

how's your mom ?

4:42pmImran

Shes fine.

with the help of me and jabs

4:42pmRanjie

well that's what families are for =]

4:43pmImran

lol

thats true.

Can i ask you something?

4:43pmRanjie

sure

4:44pmImran

can you answer honestly?

o.o

4:44pmRanjie

haha

i guess i could

shoot

you're killing me with suspense

4:45pmImran

Do you miss him?

4:45pmRanjie

jabs?

4:45pmImran

yes.

4:46pmRanjie

well. yes i do.

4:46pmImran

How much?

4:46pmRanjie

you can't really get over your first love you know. it's tough. and well pointless right?

4:47pmImran

He was your first love?

4:47pmRanjie

yeah. . .

4:47pmImran

Well..

its forgive and forget.

4:48pmRanjie

and then what?

haha

4:49pmImran

Move on..

4:49pmRanjie

easier said than done.

i am trying.

=]

4:49pmImran

Right..

4:50pmRanjie

wow. ouch what is that supposed to mean =.=

and he went offline! i'm back to square one now. memories suck. i just wanna die really. shit's just too hard to handle. everything is too hard to handle. people just make you wanna scream and pull your hair off your head and jump down a fucking building. =/ x

faithlessness

i had a really long day. =/

and i cried. i screamed and i cried in the car. if anyone saw me they must think i'm really out of my mind. well i'm getting there.

i was reading this book. and there was this line.

bla bla bla but the gist of it is like " .. the faithlessness to their memories ... "

and i was like BINGO! TOUCHDOWN!

perhaps that is what i'm really pissed and mad at about a lot of times.

i don't get people and their faithlessness of our memories together.

like how can you do that don't you think and feel guilty?

or am i just the only freak around.

because everyone looks so genuinely happy.

where do i fit in?

nowhere really.

i try hard.

but it's just. hard. to let go.

like i think i'd be fine. and then when i get reminded of something my mood changes all of a sudden. and don't anyone else get that? then what are in their heads all the time? memories are all you have. they make you who you are. such a vital and confusing role memories hold.

i watched this movie and there was a dialogue like " if you don't like who you are, change! "

and i do try. i just keep getting sucked back in. maybe it's innate? or maybe i'm not trying hard enough. shit is confusing =/ x

i need to get laid. period!

"There is something that I gotta say. It's disgusting, how I love you. God, I hate me. I could kill you. Cause your messing up my name. Gotta walk my talk my fame, but I just want to touch your face."

copied that off aloshana's page. her status. so yeah.

talking to liyana reminded me of jabs even more sighs he was one amazing bf.

i'm conflicted.

when i say i miss him . i mean i miss jabs. and ashraf?

haha.

ohh whatever i lost both.

another lonely valentines day. sighs.

ashraf never called.

i need to drop physics.

it's too taxing.

i figured i would survive but i want to excel at maths.

and i can't do that with physics.

wish me luck.

i need to talk to my mom.

though i'm sorta researching now whether can i do actuarial science with 3 subjects and exclusive of physics .

this color is so yucky.

it hurts my eyes.

so, how am i feeling?

i used bonbon's brass knuckles to sorta punch myself.

ouch it did hurt.

kept doing it for like 30 mins.

i haven't cut in quite sometime.

i haven't had sex in quite sometime and the last time i did it was so awful.

i need to get laid =/ haha xx