my grandpa turns 70 today.

i love my grandpa.

without him i don't think any of us could have made it this far.

i truly do look up to him.

and if he leaves this world,

i wouldn't quite know what to do anymore.

i grew up with him.

he's always been around.

and i always want him to be around.

i need him around he's my pillar.

i can't help wonder what did i do so wrongly that i don't deserve feeling happy.

i really just cried and cried and i've just been crying everyday.

i just feel so depressed even i don't know why anymore.

i looked at myself in the mirror and i feel like killing myself more.

no wonder i'm so alone.

my looks scare people away i guess.

not pretty enough to have someone want to be around me.

not nice enough too.

i just want to talk to someone.

i just want to hang around someone.

doing things allow me to stop feeling so bloody lonely.

solitude.

fucking solitude.

i want to be able to meet someone at night and lie down on the floor or my car and smoke and talk and feel happy.

i miss doing so.

and i thought i had the chance.

i screw everything up.

i'm a screw up.

how am i to see myself 10 years from now when the mere idea of thinking of myself 10 days from now scares the living daylights out of me. =/

xxx