happy 1st of february

i wept my heart out last night.





i wept for both of my lost loves.





and as i wept silently for hours and hours,


all those memories of both the relationships i had was being played in my head just like a movie.


it was heart-wrenching, yet necessary.





and as i was trying to fall asleep.


i was wondering whether if i die would they change their minds about me?

the weird part was i know life wouldn't end last night. i was just hoping for a sleep apnea or something.

but i just wondered what if you know?

i do want to know the ending to my story.

how my life ends up. who would i be with. what kind of person would i be. how my kids would be. and so on. but when i went to bed last night. i closed my mind thinking i wouldn't wake up anymore. and i felt so at ease. so free. so liberated. like nothing is holding me back anymore.

it's so hard to explain.

i know life wouldn't end but i went to bed dead.

as if that would be the last time i ever have to fall asleep.

such weird feelings.

such a potpourri of emotions.

i didn't cut myself.

=]

i had fun at my mom's school. friendly people all around. i was forced to add a teacher sighs it's doomsday i need to limit shit sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh x

tenets and tenets

from 'Drop the Pink Elephant' by Bill McFarlan.

" So at what point do you learn to engage the brain before putting the mouth in gear? "

" To be wrong hurts us deeply. It shakes our self-confidence. It makes us doubt our ability. But the truth may well be that we simply got it wrong. "

" The truth is easier to remember because it happened. Lies are figment of the imagination. As such, they're easier to forget. "

i spent sometime just spacing in a bathroom cubicle. i keep telling myself not to call him but i keep doing so. and i keep getting sucker punches to the gut.

sighs.


liberate me of my thoughts, my responsibilites, and of other beings.
i want to just fall asleep. and be happy in my head. and i wouldn't mind not waking up. who would want to wake up to this world?

i've been down everyday it's really taking a toll on me.
at this rate i wouldn't have much space left.
rescue me already.

save me from myself.
oh how i beg of you.
this tortuous feeling inside of me. . .
is really become unbearable.

why can't i seem to escape anymore.
i always found my way.
now everything seems so far away.

i'm sorry i'm not her.

i'm sorry i'm not a perfect daughter.
i'm sorry i'm not a perfect friend.
i'm sorry i'm not a perfect girlfriend.
i'm sorry i'm not who people want me to be.


i'm truly sorry i'm not her.
i wish i could be her too.

xx xxxxxxxxxx

kisses turns into the sweetest dreams.

i had this really tragic dream.
this would be the second time i dreamt of me dying.

i think i got into a car crash of something severe of that sort.
and uhm . i was lying down with tubes and the whole package.
and i couldn't say much. i kept repeating a word. hoarsely. silently. till finally someone picked it up.

" Jabbar " . ..

and like everyone was there. seeing me. but i just wanted him to see me.
and the only reason i stayed on to that body of mine was because i wanted to see him.
and he came. and he cried. and i cried.
and i said i'm sorry.
and i love him so much.
and i got a kiss.


and i died. x

do it for me now

It's a frightening night, and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall, and from under the door
Like the shit that was said
Can take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bumped in from the love that's been starved
I know I got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of the part, of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
Cause the grave is set up, the hole that I dug
I gave and I gave and I gave and I gave you my trust
Like the time that we kissed, and you gave me a lie
To act off this scene you pretended to cry
But I'm here and I'm cool, the way that it is
Just give me a chance and I'll try to forgive
And I don't know
And I can't guess
It's gonna be O.K.
But now, my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here, and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do if for me now
I really had it with the rain and the tears
The predictable storm that has come every year
And it sneaks from the shore with the bat in its hand
I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I can't
You're a thief and a witch, but I love you to death
You steal my heart and curse under your breath
But the one thing that I will most willing prove
That when you are gone I'll be fine without you
And I don't know
And I can't guess
It's gonna be OK
But now, my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here, and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do if for me now?
Now just hold on, hold on to me

yeah. i'm jealous.
why?
because you hate talking to me on the phone.
you complain.
because you always make exceptions for people.
not me.

i'm not special.
you motherfucker.
one day you would miss me the way i miss you.
someday you would want me the way i want you.
someday you would cry for me the way i cried for you.
and just maybe a day would come where you would love me.

and i would look you dead straight in the eyes.
and tell you to go fuck yourself. x

keep it betweeen us . .

can i tell you a secret?
a little big secret . .

my history with guys. since i was 13 i've never really been single. the only time i was single in 5 years was when jabs broke up with me. i mean i always had a guy. because see people ask me why do you need a guy so badly? and i asked myself too. i keep going like because at the end of the day i would want a person to be there for me. to call me beautiful. to say he missed me. but then i was thinking yeah after i dropped ashraf home.

WHY?

then it hit me. i barely remember some of the guys i got together with. i mean i just always had someone to shower me with attention constantly. i got so used to that. and now that i found a person who doesn't love me back no matter how hard i try. i feel like a fish out of water. i'm not trying to make me sound pathetic yeah it's just. i got so used to it. i spent many many years having a person to lean on i didn't grow me a strong backbone. =/

maybe this is just another pathetic attempt to justify myself .
but i don't know i just.
i just figured if you loved someone. and you give them everything you could think they would want. they would always be around?
















i hate this feeling. i spent an hour sharpening this knife. and i did cut. this time. the pain really lasted. like even till the morning. i was impressed. this is what i do when i got no one to turn to.

and no one can blame me. or sneer at me. because they're not there for me. xx

headache

i wake up every morning with nothing to look forward to.

everyone seems to be busy with something except me.
which is sad.
i'm stuck facing this world alone.
i don't want to sound clingy but i hate being alone.
it scares me.

i tell myself i should be in a happier mood today.
but i keep disappointing myself.
it's like.
people disappoint me so i end up being disappointed as well?

kaylee said people don't mean to. they just do.

it shouldn't be that way.
people should care. they should make it a point.

i can't wait to start college.
maybe i'd fill up my time so i wouldn't have to take trips down memory lane all by myself which gets me so depressed. then i cut. to bring myself back to the present. to remind myself i'm still here. this is how things are. and there's nothing i can do to change anything. but myself.

i signed up for violin. yoga. and i'm looking for french.
that's the best i can come up with for now.
scuba diving is next year =]

i wish people were constant.
i still hate men.
my dad wakes up every morning to send his new daughter to school.
my mom said i should be happy for him because he is being taken cared of by people.
and they're dad-less so they fit into each other's life.

why am i angry?
i just don't like sharing.

i can't believe myself.
i resorted to being in an open relationship with ashraf.
the only thing i don't believe in is an open relationship.
am i that desperate for a guy?

i mean,
he doesn't even want to be with me when we're together.
why would he want me more when we're in an open relationship?
which pretty much means fuck buddy.

i told myself to not fall in love again.
and i did.
and i gave it a 100%.
even if i didn't want to.
see because i thought you get what you give.
i just wish he would love me the way he did before.
i get jealous seeing all these pictures of him and his ex.
she cheated on him and he still doesn't mind putting pictures of them.
and i loved him.
and i'm like.
a nobody.
you know?

that feeling hurts.
like a bitch.


sighs. the first relationship after my first love was supposed to help me forget my first love.
but i keep being reminded of how amazing our relationship was.
that gets me depressed too.
why do people do this to me?

if only.
if only i knew why. xx

goodbyes are beyond hard.

when you know things are over for good,

when you know things can't be salvaged anymore no matter how hard you try,

no matter how hard you wish,

that's when you hit rock bottom, hard.

you feel everything and anything but strong.

it hurts so bad.

you know when you thought you could deal with something but it ends up that you couldn't.

crying at a cyber cafe i must be so fucked. i don't wanna be anywhere anymore. x

70th post . . boy aren't i on a roll-

funkadelic-maggot brain.

i can just sit and think about everything with one track.

a 33 year old guy told me stuff.
stuff i knew.
stuff i just realised.

success is the sweetest revenge.
which is true.

and i know i can be successful.
i know i want to be successful.
i just gots to get over this barrier.

nobody is holding me back except i.
i have to overcome no one but me.

i know i'm capable.
of anything. and everything.

yet everything just seems so impossible to grasp.
so i cut.
i cut deeper.
gosh the pain makes me feel so good.
i'm not suicidal.
i just get so lost.

i thought to myself that i should quit this habit.
but i need to replace it with something?
what else can i do?

i asked.
i thought.




i simply couldn't come up with anything better.
sighs.
i don't want to be a miserable person.
i know for a fact i don't.

i just can't seem to get away from myself.
from the usual depressed self.
so help me help me yeah? x

love? habit?

all of a sudden last afternoon i came up with something i couldn't solve.

is this thing i'm feeling love? or is just a habit?
i can't decide. how am i to tell the difference-

if i love him and if he loves me then it should be to hell with what the whole wide world is saying yeah?

because he said he isn't comfortable with how he has to live up to people's expectations now. and i'm like =S uhmm my expectations you dummy you're dating me.

sigh.
but i don't want to be forcing shit on him because people should think about shit on their own.
they can't expect people to feed it to them.

would i be cruel to just ignore him from now?
but when someone did it to me i hated it i know how it would feel. .
do not unto other what you don't like being done unto you but i just think he would be indifferent to him like who am i really?

another trophy? another picture in his gallery?

and this happens everytime a guy leaves. i get so mad at myself for letting my guard down. stupid stupid ranjie. she would never learn would she.

ohh well. i wouldn't be human if i learnt from my mistakes. i've said this before somewhere. maybe in a previous post.

which brings to what if i repeat shit. i don't wanna sound like a broken record.


Stars fall like dust, our lips will touch.
We speak too much.-

i miss our long talks. .
i miss our long walks.
i miss just smiling.

i miss those days.
why did you have to go and leave me.

i hate you xx

i'm bipolar, period.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

early thursday morning-

finally got some good sleep but i was up and about at 5 in the morning. it's such a blissful morning? yet i feel like crying.

"nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet"

i screwed physics. i'm nothing but a disappointment to myself and everyone around me.

sighs.

i cut myself again. the pain doesn't seem to last anymore, am i getting immuned? or is it just not as deep as it's supposed to be.

i feel like i've been waiting around for a twist to take place. something that would give me hope. something that would make me feel less in pain with every breath i take.

my life isn't like a poem, a series, a song, or a movie is it?

justice wouldn't be served. and people don't give a shit.

his affection is like the moon, inconsistent.

people hurt me. =/

to take up a challenge of no more alcohol is going to be hard.

because you need a support system. to run to when you don't think you can go through with a certain something.

alcohol was mine.

to give up on the only thing that has never failed me-

it's going to be hard yeah?

why do i care what people say about me being an alcoholic?

it's not like they are there to take care of me.

i feel like i'm self destructing again. giving up on things that make me, me.

thinking about tomorrow leaves me shaking.

i don't know how long more can i put on a happy mask.

i'm EXHAUSTED to the core of my bones.

would somebody rescue me already?

maybe the next time i cross the road a car would send me where i've been wanting to go so badly.

maybe i'd just be stabbed to death.

or shot.

or whatever.

i just know i don't wanna be here. yet i have to.

my tears dry on their own-

i'm tired of acting happy.

i actually want to be happy.

xx

the father

we started talking more lately. like on the phone i wouldn't just hang up on him. and if i see him i don't just look away.

that's good right?

ohh well little by little i'm rebuilding that bridge we used to have.

i just need to get the "men disgust me" idea out of my head.

then i'd be able to love him again.

love my dad.

shouldn't that come naturally though?

it did.

and i told myself not to i guess.

wow.

i am weird.

physic's a bitch to ranjie =/

i've fallen in love with angels and airwaves again =] x

It’s only fear, that runs through my veins. . .

very weird past few days.
it all started with sunday where apparently we weren't together.
and i got pissed.
and i messed up, yet again.

and then on monday night i got stoned again. didn't feel as much this time wow.
then he came.
i ignored.
he lied on me.
i tried to ignore.
we spoke.
then we made rules *yet again*
and now things seem to be back to normal.
if only things ended there.

being evicted for bringing guys into her room.
oh wow.
which is so funny because i've been thinking of moving back home.
i got bored of living outside.
and i feel so out of control and i get so disappointed in myself.

everything i've come to become is something my mom couldn't be proud of.
which kills me.
because all my life i don't feel like i've been getting enough credit from her.
and that's the one thing i truly desire.
recognition from my mom.

and if she were to find out stuff.
wow hell will definitely break loose.
and.
i don't know maybe this whole rebellious phase is over.
maybe i'm ready to go home.
though i need to look for a place.
to escape.
just in case i'm going insane at home.

my best friend wouldn't be there for me as much anymore.
sorry ciggie. i'd try to spend time with you whenever i can without getting into trouble.

and i read my old drafts.
mails i've meant to send him over the months.
WOW i'm such a miserable fuck.
haha.
had to delete a few.
i can't believe how pathetic i let myself to be.
i mean.
i've always told myself i'm a strong person and i can endure shit.
but at moments i get so sidetracked and looking back annoys me.
i hate regrets and i regret saying many things.

if only,
if only we could turn back time.


''All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.''
-edgar allan poe

a quote of my own email to him dated may 16 2009.
" maybe i truly am crazy after all...too sick in the head to differ right from wrong..and i'm in this alone.."

see what i mean.
i got so addicted.
and well i need to learn how to be independant.
which is hard!
i like having someone to lean on.
but when they leave, and they always do,
i'd be gasping for air.
trying to survive.

even if i know i can.
it would seem impossible to do.
why?

a thing he used to say
" we'd be together till my beard and your boobs touch the floor"

good old times =]


"We loved with a love that was more than love. "
-edgar allan poe

exhausted.
exams in like 5 days and is she even the slightest bit prepared?
NO.
holy fuck i'm such an amazing loser.

xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

execute the sounds.

all sounds. for once i just want to stop hearing everything. just me and my thoughts. or just music. no phone, no human voices, no noise. just pure silence. x

kick start my heart

year 2010 already.

wow. i had an awesome celebration.

i was lying down outside of my room listening to laveen and kelly getting it on. and i couldn't stop thinking about him. and when laveen came out. he looked at me instantly and went like what's wrong.

i have a love hate thing with how he can see through me.

so it was fun. i managed to go to heritage and usher in 2010 with just rm3.

i got my new years kiss. i kissed kelly well like 20 mins before the clock struck twelve. i love countdowns but i missed the 2010 one. but i still kissed him =] outside the club. i had to ask >.>

it's just hard to let go. you know.

i didn't dance with him at all. i told myself this is it. it's either you're together or you're not. i just needed a person to kiss and well i still had feelings for him i'd rather it be him than some random stranger. i'm tired of kissing strangers. i want the inner weird self of me feel so in sync with the kiss.

it was very eventful. holding his hands although we're not together. his friends drilling us in the car. but he said no we're not. and i said we're friends just for tonight. and i didn't hold his hands again. he wrecked the car. he was sorta drunk.

so i drove. and somewhere along the way he offed the radio and silence blanket-ed us for a few minutes. and he started with look i really care about you. and i said i've heard that before. and he took my hands and said some stuff. and well it was a blur after that. but i did tell him i wanna get back with him. and i think i made the right decision.

just a few nights ago it was about the same scenario and he told me over and over he doesn't want me as his gf. but then he did. why did i believe him? just cause i wanted to.

for once, someone was truly honest with me. she asked me why we broke up. and shit. and she didn't bitch about him at all. it was nice for a change. someone who just cared, for him, for me, for us.

but at this point i'm not sure whether are we totally back on or not? after a shower which was the only time i had to myself i let my mind wander and replayed everything that night. it was nice. i felt at ease. and he came back. and he lied down on my bed. and i followed. and i got to look into his eyes again. it felt so right. all the wrongs in the past could've been corrected just with a stare into me, into him, and sealed with a kiss. which led on to something so yeahh <3

new years.

i want you so badly it's my only wish.

i didn't make any resolutions. it didn't even strike me to think of anything. couldn't give a fuck i never follow anything through. i get bored so easily it annoys me =]

ohh btw, 2 more people acknowledges this blog.

people i enjoy talking to.

people who i would want them to get to know my head better. =]

it's the 2nd of january of a new year.

exams in 9 days well 8 cuz it's like night.

~* ranjie darling is so fucking screwed.

but she'd make it. she hopes. she needs xxx