happy 1st of february

i wept my heart out last night.





i wept for both of my lost loves.





and as i wept silently for hours and hours,


all those memories of both the relationships i had was being played in my head just like a movie.


it was heart-wrenching, yet necessary.





and as i was trying to fall asleep.


i was wondering whether if i die would they change their minds about me?

the weird part was i know life wouldn't end last night. i was just hoping for a sleep apnea or something.

but i just wondered what if you know?

i do want to know the ending to my story.

how my life ends up. who would i be with. what kind of person would i be. how my kids would be. and so on. but when i went to bed last night. i closed my mind thinking i wouldn't wake up anymore. and i felt so at ease. so free. so liberated. like nothing is holding me back anymore.

it's so hard to explain.

i know life wouldn't end but i went to bed dead.

as if that would be the last time i ever have to fall asleep.

such weird feelings.

such a potpourri of emotions.

i didn't cut myself.

=]

i had fun at my mom's school. friendly people all around. i was forced to add a teacher sighs it's doomsday i need to limit shit sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh x