keep it betweeen us . .

can i tell you a secret?
a little big secret . .

my history with guys. since i was 13 i've never really been single. the only time i was single in 5 years was when jabs broke up with me. i mean i always had a guy. because see people ask me why do you need a guy so badly? and i asked myself too. i keep going like because at the end of the day i would want a person to be there for me. to call me beautiful. to say he missed me. but then i was thinking yeah after i dropped ashraf home.

WHY?

then it hit me. i barely remember some of the guys i got together with. i mean i just always had someone to shower me with attention constantly. i got so used to that. and now that i found a person who doesn't love me back no matter how hard i try. i feel like a fish out of water. i'm not trying to make me sound pathetic yeah it's just. i got so used to it. i spent many many years having a person to lean on i didn't grow me a strong backbone. =/

maybe this is just another pathetic attempt to justify myself .
but i don't know i just.
i just figured if you loved someone. and you give them everything you could think they would want. they would always be around?
















i hate this feeling. i spent an hour sharpening this knife. and i did cut. this time. the pain really lasted. like even till the morning. i was impressed. this is what i do when i got no one to turn to.

and no one can blame me. or sneer at me. because they're not there for me. xx