headache

i wake up every morning with nothing to look forward to.

everyone seems to be busy with something except me.
which is sad.
i'm stuck facing this world alone.
i don't want to sound clingy but i hate being alone.
it scares me.

i tell myself i should be in a happier mood today.
but i keep disappointing myself.
it's like.
people disappoint me so i end up being disappointed as well?

kaylee said people don't mean to. they just do.

it shouldn't be that way.
people should care. they should make it a point.

i can't wait to start college.
maybe i'd fill up my time so i wouldn't have to take trips down memory lane all by myself which gets me so depressed. then i cut. to bring myself back to the present. to remind myself i'm still here. this is how things are. and there's nothing i can do to change anything. but myself.

i signed up for violin. yoga. and i'm looking for french.
that's the best i can come up with for now.
scuba diving is next year =]

i wish people were constant.
i still hate men.
my dad wakes up every morning to send his new daughter to school.
my mom said i should be happy for him because he is being taken cared of by people.
and they're dad-less so they fit into each other's life.

why am i angry?
i just don't like sharing.

i can't believe myself.
i resorted to being in an open relationship with ashraf.
the only thing i don't believe in is an open relationship.
am i that desperate for a guy?

i mean,
he doesn't even want to be with me when we're together.
why would he want me more when we're in an open relationship?
which pretty much means fuck buddy.

i told myself to not fall in love again.
and i did.
and i gave it a 100%.
even if i didn't want to.
see because i thought you get what you give.
i just wish he would love me the way he did before.
i get jealous seeing all these pictures of him and his ex.
she cheated on him and he still doesn't mind putting pictures of them.
and i loved him.
and i'm like.
a nobody.
you know?

that feeling hurts.
like a bitch.


sighs. the first relationship after my first love was supposed to help me forget my first love.
but i keep being reminded of how amazing our relationship was.
that gets me depressed too.
why do people do this to me?

if only.
if only i knew why. xx