It’s only fear, that runs through my veins. . .

very weird past few days.
it all started with sunday where apparently we weren't together.
and i got pissed.
and i messed up, yet again.

and then on monday night i got stoned again. didn't feel as much this time wow.
then he came.
i ignored.
he lied on me.
i tried to ignore.
we spoke.
then we made rules *yet again*
and now things seem to be back to normal.
if only things ended there.

being evicted for bringing guys into her room.
oh wow.
which is so funny because i've been thinking of moving back home.
i got bored of living outside.
and i feel so out of control and i get so disappointed in myself.

everything i've come to become is something my mom couldn't be proud of.
which kills me.
because all my life i don't feel like i've been getting enough credit from her.
and that's the one thing i truly desire.
recognition from my mom.

and if she were to find out stuff.
wow hell will definitely break loose.
and.
i don't know maybe this whole rebellious phase is over.
maybe i'm ready to go home.
though i need to look for a place.
to escape.
just in case i'm going insane at home.

my best friend wouldn't be there for me as much anymore.
sorry ciggie. i'd try to spend time with you whenever i can without getting into trouble.

and i read my old drafts.
mails i've meant to send him over the months.
WOW i'm such a miserable fuck.
haha.
had to delete a few.
i can't believe how pathetic i let myself to be.
i mean.
i've always told myself i'm a strong person and i can endure shit.
but at moments i get so sidetracked and looking back annoys me.
i hate regrets and i regret saying many things.

if only,
if only we could turn back time.


''All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.''
-edgar allan poe

a quote of my own email to him dated may 16 2009.
" maybe i truly am crazy after all...too sick in the head to differ right from wrong..and i'm in this alone.."

see what i mean.
i got so addicted.
and well i need to learn how to be independant.
which is hard!
i like having someone to lean on.
but when they leave, and they always do,
i'd be gasping for air.
trying to survive.

even if i know i can.
it would seem impossible to do.
why?

a thing he used to say
" we'd be together till my beard and your boobs touch the floor"

good old times =]


"We loved with a love that was more than love. "
-edgar allan poe

exhausted.
exams in like 5 days and is she even the slightest bit prepared?
NO.
holy fuck i'm such an amazing loser.

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